Irreversible

I never wanted to kill myself, despite things I might have said, but there have been times in my life when I felt hopeless, and I didn't know how I'd be able to get through another day. I've blamed my father for everything that went wrong in my life, but I've gradually come to accept that it was all my fault for being an idiot. That doesn't mean that I don't have a lot of anger directed to my dad for not being there for me when I needed him the most. It's like I was carrying a weight around all my life - the weight of his expectations, his disapproval, his scorn, and his emotional abandonment. In the end I was not strong enough, or wasn't good enough, to rise above my negative self image - until much later than was ideal, until I was too old to enjoy it or to take any satisfaction out of it, until many people younger than me had passed me by. Not that I don't appreciate where I'm at now, God knows I do. It's just that I can never live completely in the present - I'm always sifting through the wreckage of my past, trying to sort everything out, which is impossible as my perceptions of the past are constantly constantly chaging. All the while my life is rushing by, trying to grasp it is like trying to hold back the tide, it's just impossible.

Have a banana

Not a disastrous live performance debut last night, but not spectacular either. One guy got up and did a couple original songs that were really good, my performance couldn't compare to something like that. I don't have much in the way of songs, maybe it would be easier to do this like:

Write songs all along, make that the primary activity or at least spend a day or two a week working on originals. The sooner you have 10-12 originals the sooner you can play a 10-12 song show of all originals which is the goal anyway. Maybe avoid playing live until you have done so much else and are so confident in your playing and material that - not that you won't have any problems, but that you've already done so much else that you pretty much have to take on the issue of performing. I think youtube videos would be a good outlet right now. Maybe write originals, practice covers, make vids of performances - once you have 30 or so vids, then make sure you have 10-12 originals, or maybe around 5. Enough for an album or an EP although you won't want to finish the album until after you have performed live a few times and are really comfortable with playing live. Then maybe write a few more songs and call it an album.

I'm going to write a youtube artist I've been following for a while now and ask her how she did it. I was pretty down last night, I guess I expected to floor everybody I didn't anticipate there not being a mic and PA so nobody could really hear my fingerpicking, and I didn't work on any strumming type songs. I'm going to keep trying, I have a new class next week which should be cool.

Another idea - a blog as an album website.

How we're evolving

I've always loved music. At this point I just want to share my love of music with people through performance. I have one song at this point, ideally I'd like to have at least an album's worth of original songs - I don't know how long I'll have to keep writing songs until I have 14 or so songs I'm satisfied with but I'm going to spend at least one day a week trying to write more songs, I feel like 2-3 hours a week on this process is about right for me right now. I'm not even that great at music. I don't even know if I'm holding my wife and baby's attention very well. I should probably try to see if I can really impress them.

I play a lot of covers, none of them even very well as in I can do the song all the way through without mistakes at a steady rhythm. I printed out some lyrics sheets last week which should be helpful. I have to play at the G next week in front of my guitar class. That's pretty scary, some of them went off in class last week. Nobody in class is a bad guitarist really. Some have been blowing off class. My plan is to have two numbers ready - First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes and I Know You Rider.

I'm in a major Beatles phase, reading all sorts of books on them and jamming their music. Their music makes me happy. Otherwise I keep on doing whatever it is that I'm doing. I love my wife and daughter so much it's sick. This may be the happiest I ever get, I'm actually really happy all the time as long as I get to spend time with my family. Anyways, back to music. I'm just going to let it take over my life, despite my dismal chances of commercial success. And I'm going to recommit myself to being a good husband and father. God I feel like praying every day for this world, I feel like we're always on the brink of some catastrophe. It would be stupid to think there won't be any struggles for the rest of my life, it will take all of my energies to navigate life successfully - I don't know why I spend so much time thinking about the past.

I worry about being too skinny

Work has been arduous and draining. I took some Fridays off this month and am currently enjoying one of my long weekends. I don't think I have the emotional energy to really apply myself at my job lately, I'm probably going to request more vacation days next month too. Relationships with some people on my team are pretty good, I feel like relationships with certain people at work have been damaged unfortunately. I don't know how I could have reacted to certain situations and standing up for myself without making other people angry.

I got a new MacBook Pro, I'm stoked. I've been moving files onto it and installing stuff for the past few days. It's going to take me probably another week until I'm fully settled in with my new laptop. I have a new workflow plan that I plan to stick with on this new laptop - all work related stuff in a linux vm, all personal related stuff in the osx host, and another user account for warez and pron.

I have been playing a lot of guitar, but I'm not satisfied with my playing. My singing is improving but it's still not very polished or confident. I don't think I have any song totally down but I realized I have more than 10 songs at practice level for my repertoire. Sold the SG, that was another eBay ordeal, I'll have to go through it all over again when I get my amp back this weekend hopefully and I have to sell that beast. I have an Apogee Duet coming, soon I'll be fully prepared to start recording again.

Weather is getting colder, soon we won't be able to take N. to the park to play, but the leaves will be changing soon and fall will be nice in its own way. Another year is passing, which in and of itself is sad but this year has been a good year despite everything. K. just called and informed me that her parents were coming tomorrow. They should enjoy the race on Saturday. N.'s dressing up as a chicken this year for Halloween. I haven't called my mom up in a few days.

We joined Galter, which is an awesome pure class health club, but it's also expensive. I guess it's worth it - if I didn't have an indoor running track I wouldn't be able to run outside when it gets colder than 20 degrees or so. We're supposed to go there tonight, my wife's starting to work out again, swimming, yoga classes, and N. stays in the nursery at the club, the ladies who work in the nursery love her and by all accounts she really likes it there. 4 mile run tonight, I plan to listen to some Beatles tonight.

Guitar class is going good - I did a good performance last week, probably the best performance in the class although I'm totally biased. We're supposed to play this bar next week and we can play songs that we choose, I'd really like to have a few of these songs I'm working on ready for Monday night, but that might be difficult with parents in laws coming.

Another job posting

Just to get an idea about what types of skills you should have

Software Engineer - Chicago

This position is based in Chicago, IL.

The area: Software Engineering

's software engineers develop the next-generation technologies for which we've become world-renowned. In addition to revolutionizing search technology, we use our world-class programming skills to innovate in a number of other areas as well. Our projects include working on advanced information-retrieval algorithms, massive scalability and storage solutions, and large-scale applications that enrich the user experience. We also work extensively on networking systems, advertising systems and complex transaction systems in consumer applications.

The role: Software Engineer

Software Engineers have a passion for solving complex and interesting problems. is much more than search, and our mission has much greater scope. To handle information at the scale of the web requires ideas from just about every area of computer science, including information retrieval, artificial intelligence, natural language processing, distributed computing, large-scale system design, networking, security, data compression, user interface design, etc.

Engineers work on many projects that carry varying responsibilities. Below are some examples of the diverse projects with which you might be involved.

Responsibilities:
Write server-side code for web-based applications, create robust high-volume production applications, and develop prototypes quickly. You should also have a strong understanding of, and practical experience with, Java web application development.
Build our platforms, systems and networking infrastructure using your strong background in distributed systems, OS/kernel, network system design, and large scale storage systems.
Build internal systems used by thousands of rs around the world with your domain expertise in HR, Staffing, Legal, and all other corporate functions.
Specialist domains: UI development with AJAX and similar technologies, client application development for Windows/Mac (Chrome, Toolbar, etc.), embedded systems and mobile apps (Android), developer tools (IDEs, large-scale build systems, compilers), internationalization.
Requirements:
BS, MS, or PhD in Computer Science or related technical discipline (or equivalent).
A solid foundation in computer science, with strong competencies in data structures, algorithms, and software design.
Extensive programming experience in C/C++ and/or Java (strong OO skills preferred).
Several years of large systems software design and development experience, with extensive knowledge of Unix/Linux.
Coding skills in Python or Javascript/AJAX, database design and SQL, and/or knowledge of TCP/IP and network programming are a plus.

Self inventory 10/09

Self inventory 10/02/09

Pros
-------
1. Wife and baby. You are part of a loving supportive marriage and are raising a beautiful, wonderful baby girl. For the most part you love your family, are a good dad but you are lacking in some key areas.

2. You are in the best shape of your life, and are close to your ideal weight. You have good hair and clothes but that's sort of a given.

3. You generally have a good heart, you try to treat others with honesty and respect most of the time. This is true, I think, especially in the past several years ever since you started to try to sort your life out. If you have harmed anyone it was out of immaturity, thoughtlessness - you have harmed people deliberately but not in a long time. Most of the harm you inflict in this world is actually on yourself, but you may have caused unnecessary harm to people who care about you.

4. You appreciate music and art, and are close to sharing happiness through art and music with a larger number of people. Despite the amount of time you put into this pursuit, I honestly think it may take more time and dedication, and maybe something like renting out a practice space to work on your singing without feeling so self conscious about it.

5. You try to be a reasonably informed citizen of the world, and your political views are generally in line with your version of morality.

6. Praying often seems like talking to yourself. You still pray as a habit, even if it's just thinking about things in your life when you run which is a sort of prayer. You are skeptical about your faith but you have not entirely given it up, you probably should dedicate some time to sorting out how you feel about Christianity sometime, maybe reading a few books on theology.

7. You are humble, probably to a fault. Despite how proud and egotistical you can be about certain things. Honestly I think I may be at least partly confusing humility with low self esteem.

8. Despite your insecurities, you have the intellect and energy to accomplish anything you set out to do.

Cons
-------
1. You have lost your way and you are unsure about what you want to be when you grow up, or where your career is headed over the next several years and the next 30 years. You need to decide this once and for all, going after multiple outcomes at once is ok, as long as they are prioritized and don't interfere with one another (ideally they should support each other).

--Ok then, 3 things for the next year at least. I figure I'll have a better idea of what I want to do after I've lived with these projects for a while, I'll reevaluate once a year or so.

A. No more advanced degrees, let's just stop at the MS CS - at least for now. Spend your spare time studying about technologies that interest you by doing personal projects - all based around a book database would be a good idea, use goodreads as a model.
B. Try to get an adjunct professor job. It's also ok to pursue professional certifications. Start getting your resume and application materials together.
C. Play guitar live, write and record original music.

2. Let's get honest and say that you still have addiction issues, and it's damaged your relationship with your wife because she has caught you lying and has lost some amount of trust in you. This problem is very small, compared to the past, but it still exists. You desire to eliminate these issues from your life permanently, but it's just a bad idea and just feeds into your low self esteem. An extended period of sobriety of at least 10 years would be ideal, this seems difficult though.

I don't know what to say about this other than I'm going to have to follow through on promises I've made to myself. My success in other areas will depend on this.

3. You are lazy sometimes, feeling sorry for yourself triggers lethargy.

Job posting

These are the business skills I want, from an actual job posting

Business Title: Staff Software Engineer
Requisition No.
Work Location: San Jose
Shift: Day

Primary Job Responsibilities:
is one of , Inc.'s three revenue-generating business units, in addition to Marketplaces and . ’s mission is to build the web's most convenient, secure, and cost-effective payment solution. With more than 130 million accounts, presence in 103 countries and 17 currencies, and payment volume in excess of $40 B per year, is the clear leader in global online payments.>>>
Apply



Risk Management is 's key competitive advantage. Our ability to enable revenue, prevent fraud and manage credit and other risks in online transactions and markets makes us the largest and fastest growing online payments company in the world.

We are looking for exceptional, senior software engineers with a strong command of C++ in a UNIX/Linux environment to help lead the ongoing design and development of ’s core technology platform. The ideal candidate has a strong understanding of relevant web protocols and design patterns. Strong problem solving abilities will be critical for success.

You will:

Work with team architects to define requirements and approach
Drive both high-level and detailed technical design documents and conduct design reviews
Provide feedback on architectural and implementation enhancements
Provide technical guidance to other software engineers
Implement new, highly scalable and available architecture components using C++ and XML/XSL frameworks in an Apache/Linux environment
Enhance and maintain existing components of the core platform
Participate actively in team and company wide architecture discussions
Employ technical expertise to help team members overcome technical problems
Adhere to release/project schedule and milestones

Job Requirements:
Bachelors Degree in Computer Science is required and MSCS preferred
A range of levels is available, targeting engineers with anywhere from 4+ yr of experience to 10+ yrs of experience
Ability to self-organize and work effectively within a small team with minimal supervision
Experience developing secure transactional software products
Expert level C++ skills are required with demonstrated ability to resolve complex problems
Strong verbal and written communication skills are required due to dynamic nature of discussions with other engineering and product teams
Experience with refactoring in an object-oriented environment is a plus
Prefer expert level SQL skills with demonstrated ability to tune and optimize database queries
Prefer knowledge of Oracle RDBMS performance tuning and query optimization (or other large commercial databases)
Prefer knowledge of QA Automation processes and tools
Prefer familiarity with ClearCase and ClearQuest
Knowledge of HTML, XML, Java, UML is a plus
Education Bachelors Degree or Equivalent

Polar bears like it when you drown

B's wedding last weekend, Meema in town to accompany us to the wedding. We drove down to Tinley Park and stayed overnight at a motel. Hot day, felt like I was wilting in my black suit. N. was one of two babies at the wedding. Generally a so-so time, I ate way too much prime rib and wedding food, there was an open bar so I also drank a lot too - like 4-5 drinks which is a lot for me. It wasn't the time of my life but I didn't mind it that much, I told K. it would be like J's wedding last summer where I didn't know anyone and felt out of place, it wasn't that bad. I knew some people there and I was genuinely happy for K. and B., even though they're not that great of friends or anything.

Took yesterday off due to stomach illness, went running in the afternoon. Got up early to run this morning as well, it's still dark our around 5:30am so it feels weird going out that early - there's other runners on the streets though, so I don't feel totally uncomfortable. My weight is remarkably, not that bad considering all of the eating I've been doing on the weekends. N's party last weekend, a lot of eating and drinking, the wedding last weekend - this weekend we have to go to the UP for cousin A's wedding. Should be another huge eating bonanza. I've been racking up some semi big mileage though - long run this week is supposed to be 10 miles, so I think that's helping keep the weight down. Also on the other days of the week I tend to eat very well. Last night K. made some hummus and veggie sandwiches on wheat bread, stuff like that.

Been playing a lot of guitar, feel like I'm getting my touch back after playing sporadically over the summer due to funerals and moving and general craziness that kept interfering with my practice schedule. Last night was my first class at Old Town School, it was rudimentary but pretty fun. Old Town is pretty awesome in that they actually encourage students to bring beers to class. The teacher taught us some vocal exercises that were really goofy - I don't know if I'm going to make a regular habit of them, although I should. I'm really glad I took this class, hopefully I'll feel confident enough in my singing and playing skills at the end of the class to delve into some open mics and get some experience performing for people. It's also nice just interacting with fellow guitar players and music lovers. The only thing for me is the focus on old time folk music, which is not that big of a deal really, although I'd rather play my music (maybe we'll get to later on in the course). Still haven't met up with JR, we keep missing connections - he asked to meet last week but I was going out of town, I emailed him this week about meeting up, so far no reply.

Absolve me through your suffering

Last Thursday we went to Ikea and bought a lot of stuff - a new cabinet for our dining room, a huge mirror, a lot of random stuff we needed to 'complete' our house, and we spent a lot of money. It hardly fit in the car and we had to tie the trunk closed when driving home. I remember being really nervous that the twine we used to tie the trunk closed would come undone as we were going 60 down the expressway and our stuff would come flying out. Luckily we made it home, we even stopped at McDonalds and got an ice cream cone. We didn't get to bed til late that night since I had to unpack everything from the car.

Friday I went to work, then when I came home we began the arduous task of assembling all of the large furniture, unpacking all of the random stuff we had in boxes, arranging all of the furniture, hanging all of the heavy pictures and artwork, and scrubbing the place clean. We were only partly done by the time we went to bed really late Friday night. The dining room cabinet took forever, we had to actually assemble the damn thing twice since the Ikea directions were difficult to follow in places. We went to bed Friday night extremely tired and frustrated with our progress. We had to finish everything by Sunday for N's party, and at that point it didn't seem like there was enough time to get everything done.

Saturday was a marathon of housework. We basically got up around 6 or 7 in the morning and worked all day long until around midnight. We had to leave in the middle of the afternoon to buy stuff at - Target, Home Depot, Party City, and Costco. Again, we spent a ton of money on food and party decorations. N. was throwing a fit in the back seat the entire time and by the end one of us would go in and do the shopping while the other would stay in the car with N. and try to calm her down. We went home, put N. to bed, unloaded the car, and continued the work of setting the apartment up and preparing for N's birthday party the next day. We went to bed again tired and dirty but at the end of the day our house was finally done. It actually looked really really good, and gave me a feeling of satisfaction to see everything finally arranged just how we want it.

Sunday we woke up early and started preparing food and decorations for the party. KM and J came over and helped us blow up baloons and set up the food. Everyone started coming in around noon. N's party was very nice, JB came over, AC came over, I ate a lot and drank a lot of beer. You could tell N. was delighted to have all her little friends over, it was basically chaos with little kids running around everywhere. It was also good to see D and M again. Everyone commented about how nice our new house was, so I'm glad we put in all the work previously. N. got a lot of nice presents too. Tita A's musical fun table seemed to be her favorite, although mom's ordering her a push car that she may enjoy. A. and M. also got her some really nice clothes and a personalized book, you could tell they put a lot of thought into it.

Monday we sat around the house watching youtube on our tv, feeling bloated and sluggish. We left the house for a little while to go walking around the park, then K. left to buy a new car seat with N's birthday money while N. took her nap. Later J. and mom came over and took us to dinner at this Greek restaurant on the Square. After they left I fell asleep feeling even more bloated and tired, and totally not prepared to go back to work the next day. It's my second day back at work, just finding my groove again at work. Totally didn't feel like it but forced myself to go to the gym and do 40 minutes on the elliptical. I told myself, once we're fully moved in and the paperwork related to the house sale is all finalized, and N's party is over, that I would really start applying myself the way I've always talked about the past couple of years - I mean, work on career improving activities as much as I work on my guitar and music endeavors. I had a rough summer but now that the worst has happened and I'm still standing here, it's time to get my life back on track and really try for once. My family deserves me being fully engaged in my life, and I have faith in myself. If I really try, I don't think there's any way I can fail.

Leaving me behind

Ran to the river trail last night with K. and N., I'm really glad K. is running with me lately, it's very efficient - I get to exercise and at the same time work in some quality time with my wife and baby. I have to admit that it was nicer running around my old neighborhood, as we were right by the lake, which is absolutely the best place to run in Chicago. In fact I still go running on the lake - for my long runs on the weekends, I drive to the Recreation Park and run south to Navy Pier usual ly. Lincoln Square is a great neighborhood but there are just too many stoplights and people, you h ave to stop all the time when running, which is good for K. as she hasn't worked out in almost a yea r. When the weather gets cold I'll have to go back on the treadmill, I usually get sick of being ou t in the cold some time around early December. Luckily I won't have to drive to the Y anymore, ther e's a park district fitness center with a pool and treadmills that's every bit as nice as the Y, clo ser, and costs much less for a yearly membership.

N. is walking lately. Well, she started walking around 10 months, but now she's really getting good at it. I have some movies posted on youtube, so if you know how to get to my youtube channel you can check baby walking for yourself. This means it's about 30% more difficult to look after her, especially in our new house, which has much greater square footage. The new place is coming together b tw. We've spent basically every evening for the past couple of weeks unpacking and organizing stuff . I still can't find certain things though - some jewelry, clothes and toiletries mainly, I guess t hat's how it goes when you move. My in laws are such wonderful people also - they bought us a dinin g room table and delivered it all the way from the UP last weekend and helped us to assemble it. Gr eat weekend last weekend, also - we wound up going to lunch with M. and M. who we ran into on the st reet around the Square. Then we had a big barbecue at my moms on Sunday.

I'm really busy this week. Working from my mom's house today, I brought N. with me too. Mom's hold ing up - she's become very social since my dad's death, she seems to be having huge parties at her h ouse all the time. That's a good thing, I guess. It's weird for me seeing all these people that ov er at her house that I haven't seen in years since my dad didn't like them. I try to at least call my mom every day, my brothers are usually over at her house every day, it's more difficult for me to make it over because of the baby and all. N's birthday party this weekend, we have a lot of work t o do in terms of setting up our place, but it should be a lot of fun. I think we invited way too ma ny people but what's done is done I guess, and it'll be interesting seeing everyone all together in one place. Life is good, life has been very good for me for a long time, despite everything. Despi te me going through these spells of being cranky or feeling sorry for myself. K. and N. and I are e njoying our new house and our new neighborhood. It feels like a new chapter. What else. Now that things seem to be settling down, I'm starting to turn my focus to: working harder at my career, firs t by working some overtime. I'm also really determined to start performing music live and recording original music. I registered for a singing class at the Old Town school as singing and playing gui tar seems to be my weakness as a performer. I've also been talking to this dude about starting a ba nd/recording project - we've missed connections a few times, we were supposed to go out for drinks l ast week, and again tonight. I'm hoping everything works out because it would be fun to make a new friend that I can collaborate with.

My life is made of patterns that can scarcely be controlled

We were moving and painting the past two weeks - there's still stuff at the old apartment, I have to go there today to pick up most of it, then return at the end of the week to pick up the vacuum after the maid service finishes cleaning in preparation for the new owners. Closing is tomorrow, although we won't be there - I think K. is signing papers today related to closing. I'm really liking our new neighborhood, it's just a beautiful place, nice neighbors, nice shops, I think K. and N. will be very happy living here. We just finished up taking most of the books out of boxes last night, everything still needs to be organized.

I feel like everything's changing again - the past couple years have really been a whirlwind of change, my life is really different than what it was like even two years ago. And now I'm living in a different place. All I want is for my girls to be happy, and to save money for the future. I don't care about living up to somebody else's standards of materialism or what constitutes success. I feel like I'm entering another chapter in my life - let's make it a good one full of happiness.

Lord knows there's been so much turmoil with my dad's death last month. I'm still processing that, also still making sure my mom's ok. I feel like there's not much I can do for her besides visit her as much as I can, it's difficult with the baby and K's schedule. Honestly I think for a few weeks I was really out of control. I don't want to get into my various struggles with addictions, but I think I just gave up for a while. After leaving my therapist's office last week I just decided to get back on track with everything - my job, my sobriety, my relationships. Driving to the UP last week gave me a lot of time to think, I'm just so grateful for my beautiful family and life, I feel like I've been making so much progress it would be stupid to do anything to jeopardize it.

I'm looking forward to fixing our house nice, and making it a nice place for us to hang out at home with the baby. She also has a birthday party coming up which will also serve as a housewarming party - we've invited a lot of people, I'm starting to worry about setting up for the party. Some other new developments - I've been jogging with K. and N. in the mornings these days. I don't get as good of a workout but it's nice to share that part of my life with them. I also corresponded last week with a guy who lives in my neighborhood who's interested in playing together. I don't know what will come of it - some recording, maybe performing or getting a band together, maybe just making a new friend.

God my birthday is tomorrow, I'm getting old. I still get insecure sometimes about my life. I guess moreso about my career and my financial situation than about my life, as I'm really grateful for my little family. I feel like I've been making very slow progress, and that I haven't been paying as much attention to my career as I should with all of the stuff going on in my personal life this year. I still wonder how it is that some people get rich, and I feel that connections and nepotism has to play into it. I've still yet to really apply myself in a focused manner for an extended period of time. Maybe once things settle down I can get myself on some kind of program to improve my career, I think if I really try there's no way I can fail - but you know, time is short and I'm not getting any younger.

quote

The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy - I mean that if you are happy you will be good.
- Bertrand Russell

Don't you have a word to show what may be done . Have you never heard a way to find the sun

Still feeling out of it. Had a really shaky week last week, I basically had a meltdown at my therapist session last week. I think that was the second of two times that I really let myself cry about my dad dying. Did well on the half marathon, that was a really great experience. What an awesome running course too, I'm looking forward to doing it again next year. I've actually decided to train for Chicago Marathon 2010. There's enough time for me to get in shape for it I think, and it'll motivate me to train during the winter. We're busy these days, went to Ikea last night, books in boxes all around our apartment. Thinking about buying a bed for Nina's room next week.I'm practicing guitar again - I haven't played on a consistent basis in many weeks so it feels like I suck again. I also bought a new guitar so it feels even more awkward. Finally decided to get serious about recording an 'album' so I do something characteristic and spend a lot of money on a copy of Logic Studio. J. tells me it takes 24 hours to install. I'm going to install today and practice guitar. Have been listening to Nick Drake a *lot* lately, after several tries he really clicked with me. You know I'm really into a big musical 'phase' when K. complains I'm playing too much of one artist in the car.

Marathon race training schedule

Well I finished the half marathon, had a pretty good time - I felt good that I didn't stop at all and I kept pace behind a pretty fast girl the whole time. What an awesome course - you run through parts of the loop that are usually off limits to runners, like running over bridges over the Chicago river - there's this cool part where you run in a dark tunnel for like a half mile, then the end is going north on the lake. It's really nice, I'm going to run it again next year.

Been thinking about what I'm going to do next with running, now that I've done a half marathon. I'd like to do Pumpkins in the Park in October just for fun (and to dress up Nina), then Shamrock Shuffle (because I heard it's fun and I haven't done it yet, you have to do some races just to keep the excitement for racing I think), then Rock and Roll Half Marathon again next summer, then the Chicago Marathon in the fall of 2010! I have to remember to register for this stuff ahead of time because they sell out.

Here's the Advanced Beginner marathon training schedule I'm going to use to train for this marathon (I'm basically just going to train for the marathon and do the little races just to keep my energy up along the way)

dvanced Beginner Marathon Training Schedule

Week Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
1 Rest 3 mi Rest 3 mi Rest 4 mi 3 mi EZ
2 Rest 3 miles 2 mi 3 mi CT or Rest 5 mi 3 mi EZ
3 Rest 3 mi 2 mi RP 4 mi CT or Rest 6 mi 3 mi EZ
4 Rest 3 mi 2 mi RP 4 mi CT or Rest 7 mi 3 mi EZ
5 Rest 4 mi 2.5 mi RP 4 mi CT or Rest 6 mi 3 mi EZ
6 Rest 4 mil 2.5 mi RP 4 mi CT or Rest 8 mi 3 mi EZ
7 Rest 4 mi 3 mi RP 4 mi CT or Rest 10 mi 3 mi EZ
8 Rest 4 mi 3 mi RP 5 mi CT or Rest 8 mi 3 mi EZ
9 Rest 4 mi 3 mi RP 4 mi CT or Rest 12 mi Rest
10 Rest 4 mi 3 mi RP 5 mi CT or Rest 14 mi 3 mi EZ
11 Rest 4 mi 3.5 mi RP 4 mi CT or Rest 16 mi 3 mi EZ
12 Rest 5 mi 4 mi RP 5 mi CT or Rest 10 mi 3 mi EZ
13 Rest 5 mi 4 mi RP 5 mi CT or Rest 18 mi 3 mi EZ
14 Rest 4 mi 4 mi RP 5 mi CT or Rest 12 mi 3 mi EZ
15 Rest 4 mi 4.5 mi RP 5 mi CT or Rest 18 mi Rest
16 3 mi EZ 5 mi 4.5 mi RP 6 mi CT or Rest 14 mi 3 mi EZ
17 Rest 4 mi 5 mi RP 6 mi CT or Rest 20 mi 3 mi EZ
18 Rest 4 mi CT 4 mi CT or Rest 12 mi 3 mi EZ
19 Rest 3 mi 30 minutes RP 3 mi CT or Rest 8 mi 3 mi EZ
20 Rest 2 mi 20 minutes Rest Day 20 minutes Race Day! Rest Day!

Can't help wondering why

This is a transitional time in my life, I feel like I should breathe in every last second of this summer, which is already drawing to a close - this time and place will not come again. We are preparing to move to our new house, we'll never live here again. This is the place where I lived for a time and was lost, and I found myself when I met my wife, and we lived here together and were very happy. And our baby was born and we loved her and were happy together here. But N. is growing up fast, soon she will be a little girl and this place will be too small for us. I don't think I would freeze time so that she'd stay this age forever, but there are worse things that could happen.

I'll just let time run its course, floating along as it drags me in its wake. Now that my dad's passed away I feel like we are entering a new phase of life anyway. Mom's actually handling it better than I thought - we're all sort of taking turns checking in with her and making sure that someone's always visiting her. My aunt and uncle are staying with her for the next week, before they have to fly back to the Philippines and Kuwait. I have to make sure N. visits her grandma as much as possible, I know N. is the person in this world that makes her the most happy. Mom's had a very difficult time for the past several years, we have to help her out as much as we can and let her know we love her. A good thing to come out of all of this is that it's bringing us all closer together. I feel like I'll be analyzing the ways my dad's death has changed my life for a long time.

At the funeral all my relatives were commenting at how skinny I am these days. I still feel fat, but I'll take the compliments. I keep running, I run about 25 to 30 miles a week including the walking I do for cross training. I mainly run on the Lake Shore path. I'm going to miss running by the lake the most about living here. I'll probably drive up to Recreation Park to run my long runs down to Navy Pier even after we've moved, it's simply the nicest running path in the city. But I'll enjoy running around my new neighborhood and exploring new running paths in Lincoln Square.

K. is done with school and off of work. She spends her days preparing to move, packing a little, shopping for furniture for the new house. We have to paint the new house too before we move in. The movers are coming on the 17th so we have to have everything prepared before then. What else. Honestly I'm still a little out of control. I'm trying pretty hard at work, just trying to knock off as many open projects as I can, it distracts me. I haven't been paying much attention to my personal projects like getting my freelance business off the ground, or my certifications - I can't deal with that stuff right now but I know I have to get back to it soon. I mostly think about music, sports, politics - basically stuff in my RSS feed lol. I think about how I can lose weight and I think about how I dread running this race on Sunday. I have to remember to get my race registration stuff tomorrow at McCormick Place. The race is early - 6:30 am on Sunday. Oh yeah I've decided to do another half marathon after this in Madison, WI. God and we have two weddings and babby's first birthday party coming up too. September is going to be pretty busy, which is cool I guess.

I bought 1000 bucks worth of recording software - you read that correctly. I've decided to get serious about writing and recording some original music, and possibly performing. I will record an EP if it kills me, possibly an album. I've decided I want my album to be mainly acoustic, with some non obtrusive drum and keyboard programming. I'm listening to Jose Gonzalez and Nick Drake a lot these days, and Elliott Smith of course. The problem is I'm having a difficult time practicing with all of this stuff going on. I figure things will eventually die down after we move, and then I'll have an extra room to set up as my recording studio. The one thing is I suck at singing, and I really suck at playing and singing at the same time. I don't even know if I'm any good as a songwriter - the few riffs I've come up with so far are not bad though.

Eulogy

Thank you for helping us say goodbye to my dad.  We all loved him.  My dad was an irreplaceable person, things will simply never be the same now that he's gone.
My dad was a great man, a brilliant man,  who brought his family to America and gave us a life full of opportunities.  As a physician he helped countless people throughout the years, and saved many lives.
He taught us to value intellectualism, hard work, and achievement.  I was such a hard headed kid growing up, and caused so many problems for my parents.  I feel like I spent my life either rebelling against him or trying to make him proud of me, either way he was the most important relationship in my life.
A friend told me - Noone will be able to understand your loss, not even your siblings, because they remembered him and experienced him differently.  I remember him teaching me to swim in the pool in the backyard of our old house, going with my dad as he made his rounds at the hospital, going on long drives across the country on our vacation trips - while he quizzed us about geography and current events.  We had a difficult time talking to each other about certain things, my dad and I.  I remember when Nina was born last year, feeling happy that he hung on long enough to meet his granddaughter,  I guess one of the reasons I had Nina was to tell my dad that I loved him.  I remember a man who put all his hopes and dreams for the future into his sons, who wanted above all that we use our talents to do something great with our lives and not just be ordinary men.  I feel like I'm still chasing that dream, and i probably will for the rest of my life.

When the water is rough, the sailing is tough, I get drowned in your love

Back at work after two weeks off. My dad died a week and a half ago. We spent a week with him in the hospital hoping he'd recover, but he never did. I think it's better this way - he had nothing to look forward to but more chemo and more pain. The wake and the funeral were beautiful - people coming in from halfway around the world, people I haven't seen in 30 years. I had to give the eulogy. God that was tough. It feels like I turned a page in my life. Something profound has changed and I'll probably be sorting everything out for a while. We have to make sure my mom is ok now. Spent all day yesterday checking 2 weeks of email, trying to get back into the swing of things. August will be difficult - we sold our condo and are supposed to vacate by the end of the month. We're moving to a really nice place in Lincoln Square, but there's a lot to do right now. I'll write more later.

Another brilliant idea

This one is actually my wife's, what can I say, I married a very smart woman - investigate freelancing websites, bid on jobs that interest you, this may even eliminate the need to pursue professional certifications.

Album, or song?

Today on my run I got the bright idea to start recording an album of original music. I guess I'm tired of playing covers, it just seems pointless after a while. Let's take stock of how far I have to go: I'm a decent guitar player, but I'm not as good as I want to be. I know some stuff about digital recording and sequencing, but I'm far from being an expert producer. I've never written a full song that I was happy with, and lyrically I feel as if I have nothing to say.

First things first I guess. Garageband is very much a toy, for one thing if I'm going to record original music I need to be able to sequence my own drum tracks - so I'm looking into this step sequencer plugin for GB callediDrum. Been looking into upgrading from GB to Logic Studio, but GB is free and Logic Studio is like $1000, maybe I should try making songs on GB first.

Even if you're never awake

We found out two days ago that my dad's chemo is not working and that he has less than a year to live.  My mom is really upset, I feel like we need to support her as much as possible at this time.  My dad has been in and out of the hospital ever since his chemo started about3-4 months ago, he's just getting worse and worse.  The pain medications don't really help,he's always suffering from abdominal pains.  So the cancer that was in his colon has spreadto his lungs and will probably rapidly take over his internal organs.  My mom and dad told me the term for this type of cancer, I can't remember what it is right now, but it's very dangerous.  It was such a shock to hear this, especially since we've been dealing with my dad's illness for so long, trying new treatments and such.  
I haven't even talked to my dad.  I've talked to my brothers and mom, but not my dad.  For the first day I was surprisingly calm, which turned out to be a delayed reaction.  Now I freak out about it pretty much all day long.  I have to keep myself busy with other things, if I slow down enough to think about it I have to catch my breath.  Yesterday at work was really tough - I had some pretty hardcore meetings that I had to go to, it was difficult to keep myself focused.  I couldn't go to the hospital last night because I had to take care of N. and she can't be at the hospital around all those sick people.  I'm going to go today probably.  Last night I tried went out for dinner with K. and N., went home and put N. to bed, then I tried to play guitar but I gave up after an hour and laid on the couch with my head in K's lap and we watched The Pink Panther 2 until we fell asleep.

Post reunion

Guys-

I had a really great time last Saturday at our reunion. It didn't seem like reminiscing at all to me - more like I was meeting new friends, or old friends that were so old that they were new again! I left pretty early, but I probably would have hung out a lot later if we didn't have to go back and pick up Nina. On the way home my wife was saying that she should have probably left me with and I could've caught a ride home with some of the people that live in the city. I was struck by how well everyone was doing in their lives and how healthy everyone seemed. I was really nervous at first walking into a room full of people I hadn't seen in a quarter century, but I didn't feel intimidated really as everyone was sort of a big family as we've always been. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to talk longer with a lot of you, I would have stayed and had a heart to heart with every one of you and you would have probably gotten sick of me! I know I asked you guys to keep in touch, and I really meant it - we have to sell our condo first, but when we move to a bigger place we'll probably throw a party and I'd love it if you guys would come over. And if you're ever in the city and are interested in going out for lunch or something, look me up, seriously! My number and email are on my profile. Also - if you know of any classmates that I should facebook friend, please suggest them to me! I'm not going to go snooping around your friends looking for them myself, it feels too voyeuristic. Man, it was really good to see you all again - you guys know that I wish you the best of course! Let's stay in touch ok?

Your friend,
Red

If only summer rain would fall On the houses and the boulevard

N. sick, I had a dinner planned to celebrate K's 30th birthday last weekend, in laws in town and reservations made at this fancy restaurant downtown. Had to cancel everything - N. has a bad fever, K. took the day off from school today to take her to the doctor. These are busy times - JCB's pig roast last weekend (haven't seen him in a long time, I really like that guy - it's just hard to get together these days as I'm a dedicated family man now and he's still out on the prowl out at the clubs), Aliana's bday party at the park. Had a cookout at my parent's place on memorial day, we had a bit of a scare with my dad a couple of weeks ago too - he had to go into the ER, I think what happened was he overdosed on some of his painkillers for the chemo, he's going through some pretty difficult treatments, but there has been some positive news lately - he's eligible for a type of treatment that has a really high cure rate. The only thing is that I'm worried that he may not be strong enough to handle all the treatments after all his health problems the past couple of years. He'd probably scoff at that last statement though, and I've underestimated his tenacity before. Feel like I'm barely handling my life, although I admittedly have high standards for myself. Guitar playing is going so so - I finally posted a video on youtube, the more I watch it the more I want to redo it, trying to work on my technique and it's going very slowly - usually what happens is I spend a lot of time being frustrated, then all of a sudden it just 'clicks', I hope that happens soon. Running is going pretty well - I'm up to 11 mile runs these days, feel pretty good about this half marathon in August. Have been running with N. on the lake - the long runs on the weekends all the way to like Navy Pier are beautiful, it's a great time of the year to run, N. seems to enjoy it too. I have to raise $750 for this race in August as I'm committed as a charity runner for the American Cancer Society - the first time I ever did anything like this, I figured it's for a worthy cause but now I'm worried if I can raise the money with all the people I know, I'm going to have to start bugging friends and family about it. Work going badly, have been too exhausted, frustrated, and/or lazy to put in any serious overtime - I'm resolved to start working overtime again this week, I just feel better about myself when I work some overtime and do a little research on the side. Also resolved to resume my efforts to get my Java cert this year, I'm about halfway there I think at this point.

The thing K. and I are most excited about these days is potentially buying a new place. We went to visit a loan officer at the bank a couple of weeks ago - he told us we'd be a shoo in for a loan if we can just sell our current place, and our real estate agent told us he's pretty confident he can sell our current place if we can declutter it and make some minor improvements. So we've been really busy getting our place ready to sell. K. and I have become addicted to shopping for places on Trulia. There are some awesome places for sale in Chicago these days - looks like we're not going to be able to make much of a profit if we sell our place, but the good news is that whatever place we buy will be extremely discounted. Looking forward to setting N. up in her own room (it will probably be a Hello Kitty paradise), taking her for a walk around the park in a cool new neighborhood (we have a few places in mind on the N. side), maybe a guitar room for myself. Hopefully this will all come to pass in the next few months.

I love this comment

"I am a generation older than you. You need to focus on one word in your post. Entitled. You aren’t entitled to sh1t, and being smart doesn’t make you worth anything to anybody. You need to work hard. You need to love something and do whatever you can to make it happen. You need to stop whining. Nobody cares that you are self-aware or that you filled your head with ideas you can’t seem to find a use for. Except maybe your parents.
The world is full of people struggling just to survive. If you don’t understand the depth of that, stop reading blogs all day and go take a trip. And don’t just go shopping for skinny pants on that trip.
Go find your own path. You can’t hate on office drones for finding their own happiness between the lines. Because the reality is (coming from somebody who has never really had a normal job, and who has managed to support themself by one form or another of whoring out their creativity and thinking) all that is really important are the little things. The other shit you think is so credible, important and worthwhile is just empty. Go be a hit BLOG house artist. You’ll see how quickly that demystifies and how full of shit people are.
Find somebody and something to love beyond yourself."

from hipsterrunoff - he kind of schools carles, but I still think carles is awesome

Yo La Tengo - By The Time It Gets Dark

Yo La Tengo covering a song by Sandy Denny of Fairport Convention. Sandy also sang on the Zeppelin song 'Battle of Evermore'. This is a b-side from the 'Little Honda' single I think, I'm not sure.


Yo La Tengo - By The Time It Gets Dark

I can stand to be a fixture in a faded family picture

So I practice guitar on average about 2 hours a day. Playing an instrument is sort of like learning a sport I guess, or developing as a writer. You keep trying to improve with deliberate practice, then you arrive at these sort of plateaus when you realize you have mastered certain things, and then you sort of coast for however much time just enjoying the level you're currently at. I notice as I go on that I recognize these plateaus much earlier and push myself to delve into another round of deliberate practicing. I feel like I went from being totally unsure of myself to striving to improve to feeling over confident to feeling like a beginner all over again. I also feel like I've given way too much weight to my musical endeavors over the past decade of my life, and it really hasn't gotten me anything. I haven't recorded much or performed much. I guess the most I've gotten out of it has been some enjoyment playing for my wife, the appreciation of various people who've heard me play over the years, etc. I'm probably still too insecure of my playing, and I don't have much desire to pursue songwriting.

What else. The iPhone is really rocking my world, I'm addicted to iPhone apps, especially the ones that are like little musical instruments. I started running, or training for races, in July of 2008 - since then I've lost about 21 pounds. I was losing weight at a pretty rapid pace but remained at the same weight for most of the winter. Lately I'm starting to lose again. I was thinking back to when I was in college, I guess I weighed about 5 to 10 lbs less than I do now, I lost even more weight when I lived in NYC, and I weighed about 15 to 20 lbs less than I do now. Part of it is diet. I'd skip meals all the time in my 20s, and these days I usually eat 3 meals a day. I don't take supplements, I don't eat 'six small meals' as it seems too difficult to pull off with my schedule. I just try to eat sensibly and I monitor my caloric intake. I just figure with all the running I do, I should be able to enjoy eating and not have to live like a bullemic model. 21 lbs in 10 months, I guess that's not very rapid weight loss. My metabolism is probably slowing down too, so it's harder for me to lose weight no matter how much I run.


My life is actually very narrowly defined right now - there is work, there's reading and blogging, there's running and training for races, there's guitar and music in general, and there's my family. Mainly family to me these days means my wife and baby, and my brothers and my parents. Honestly I feel distant from my brothers and parents, I don't necessarily like having to admit that but I also feel like there's not a lot I can do about it. We are after all, middle aged men, my parents are old, there's a lot of water under the bridge. I've spent 4 years blogging about my personal problems on this site, most of which are connected to my family in some way, I've went on and on about the various dramas of my family, imagined or otherwise - and I feel like I've only really scratched the surface. I think one of the things I'm starting to realize as I get older is that I may have to accept the fact that I may never resolve some issues that I've had since childhood. My relationship with my parents and brothers may always be frustrating and disconcerting. I may never be completely satisfied with my life - even if I go on to achieve everything I think I want to do at this point in my life. I've already come to terms with the fact that huge patches of my life - years, decades of my life - are gone, wasted on nothing. I'm growing old, and I'll never get that time back, and there are some people that I've lost as friends that I totally regret losing. I'll have to live with that.

I think about my wife and about married life, how it's limiting, and you wish you could do certain things, how you can't even go out drinking with friends anymore and thinking that those friends will eventually move on without you. Thinking that I can't be with another woman for the rest of my life seems a little unreal to me, even now that I've been with her for a couple of years. But married life is also comforting, and the thought of not being with my wife - I don't even like to think about it. Likewise if something were to happen to N. Life develops rigid boundaries but that's actually good for me because I was all over the place when I was a young single guy. The thought of these people depending on me seems to be keeping me in check a lot more than my parent's disapproval, or personal ambition ever did. There are some things I want to remember to tell N. when she is old enough to understand, she may not take them to heart but I feel like I must tell her:

When you are growing up, treasure the friends you make along the way and keep them forever. Reward any spontaneous acts of friendship with loyalty, they are a sign that you've found an important person in your life. Remember that the significance of someone may not be clear to you for many years.

Love your parents and siblings unconditionally, no matter what happens. It is inevitable that your relationship will be tested throughout the years.

Hard work is the key to success and hard work will always win out over talent. Often what most people see as talent is merely the by product of hard work. Everything is possible. When you are in high school and college, your reason for living should be to a) find out what you want to do for the rest of your life as a career and b) doing everything necessary to assure your success in that field. Usually this means grades are the most important thing, not your social life. You can always have a social life despite your responsibilities - and your social life will not be enjoyable anyways if you know that other areas of your life are being neglected.

Superstar in your own rock movie, I wanted just a minor part

I go through phases in my guitar playing development, and my idea of what I want to sound like changes as my skills improve and my musical interests change. If you asked me five years ago who I wanted to play like, I'd say Jimmy Page, if you asked me two years ago I'd say Kirk Hammett. So I put in a lot of focused practice time working on skills such as blues based penatonic soloing, palm mutes, rudimentary sweep picking and tapping, to varying degrees of success. Usually I wind up buying a bunch of related gear as well - thus, I'm currently the owner of a sunburst Gibson Les Paul and an Ibanez s470 with EMG pickups, and a Mesa high gain amp.

Not that I regret the time spent on this type of practice since it's made me a better guitarist, but I find my tastes changing again. Ever since my baby was born, it just felt silly walking around with a big honking electric guitar strapped to my chest, blasting these metal solos. I started learning quiet fingerpicking versions of nursery rhymes to entertain my wife and baby. If you ask me now who I want to sound like I'd say Ben Gibbard or Elliott Smith, probably a combination of both. I want to be equally adept at intricate fingerpicking, fast acoustic strumming parts with or without a pick, basically the 'indie sound'. Not that this is the most difficult thing to do in the world, metal playing requires much more skill, I just like to play the acoustic more and more these days.


I was thinking - I'm already a pretty good player, I can play 'These Days' by Nico, which to me means that I already have a good grasp on acoustic fingerpicking - it will just take me a couple of months to get totally used to fast strumming with the light nylon pick. I know I talk about this a lot - but I'd really like to record more, possibly record some youtube videos instead of just mp3s. After I get around 20 songs recorded, I'd like to look into either playing out at open mics or something, or maybe I'll take an ad out in craigslist about starting a band.

If I could play like either of these dudes, I'd be happy. I don't need to play like Eddie Van Halen or anything.

Ben Gibbard Live at Theatre of the Living Arts on 2007-05-09


Elliott Smith Live at Black Cat on 1998-04-17 (April 17, 1998)

Killing off book a week reports

I'm killing off my book a week 2009 reports. My schedule at work has become horrendous all of a sudden, and the baby is occupying the majority of my free time - I have to carve out time for my personal pursuits like guitar and running, I even feel bad making time to do these things because my wife needs all the help with the baby she can get. She's also doing her Master's degree thesis, so it's really difficult for her to juggle school along with the demands of motherhood, I feel like I should be making myself available to help as much as possible. That's a way of explaining that I'll still be blogging, but I'm killing that particular series off because it seems like a waste of time, like I'm just posting links - I sure as hell don't have time to write reviews. I'm still on track for a book a week by the way, you can check my progress at goodreads.com on my sidebar.

Andres Segovia - Johann Sebastian Bach - Partita for Violin Solo No 1 in B minor

I could play this piece at one point, my favorite classical guitar piece. Someday I'd like to start playing classical again and learn all the Bach Sonatas and Partitas.


Andres Segovia - Johann Sebastian Bach - Partita for Violin Solo No 1 in B minor

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A rabbit falls away from me, I guess I'll crawl

Have been good, work and social obligations leave me with very little time for self analysis, which is good. I have a cousin's b-day party this weekend, then we're going out of town for Easter, then a 10k race, then daughter's baptism. I'm hardly ever alone, wife and baby are usually here with me, which makes it easy to avoid P as I'm too preoccupied running around looking after the baby. Feel exhausted all the time, I was sick for the week after I got back from my trip, I was laid up in bed with flu like symptoms. Then I had to get back into my training for my 10k race. Ran yesterday 5 miles. Have to run again this afternoon. I fall asleep the minute my head hits the pillow, I wake up still exhausted. The baby sometimes wakes us up at night, which doesn't help. Have been working extra hours, trying to catch up after almost two weeks away, making some headway but still feeling behind. Have been keeping up my book a week reading schedule.

Relationship with my wife is good, we had a rough patch for about a week but we're back to normal. I had been really irritable and she was feeling swamped due to her graduate school classes and taking care of the baby. I try to be supportive and understanding. Life seems very hard right now, it seems like a struggle for both of us. I am grateful for my life, though - some people have it much worse. And I don't feel bad about working hard if it means giving our daughter a better life eventually. Have been going to church, wanted to go to confession this week but I got too busy at work and missed it. Therapy this Saturday, we'll see how that goes. Told him about my recent problems with my wife last time, I'll just be honest and tell him where I'm at right now.

I ring the doorbell in your mind But it's locked from the outside

So much of my life I felt as if I was cursed, that no matter how hard I tried to change my life I was doomed to constantly disappoint my loved ones, to fail, to never being able to enjoy anything in my life. I felt like my father put this curse on me, to hold me down so that I would never be as good as him. I know this is irrational, because my dad loves me despite all of the epic differences we've had over the years, my twisted mind would blame everything on him when in fact I never had anyone to blame but myself for my problems. This curse generally manifested itself in my life through my monumentally low self esteem, God I'm in my late 30's and I'm still struggling with these low self esteem issues. I'm a married man and a father, and I'm still struggling with self doubt at every turn - and this crazy self image that sabotages all of my successes. Some examples: procrastination about my final class for my Master's at Northwestern spoils the one good thing I ever did academically.

Lately I've started to look at my life in a different way. I like to imagine that curse is 'over', and now my baby daughter has cast another spell on me. This time it's a 'positive curse' in which I'm forced to live up to someone else's high expectations of me. I shouldn't project so many irrational thoughts on my dad, he was my biggest supporter for most of my life, even when I didn't believe in myself anymore, he doesn't deserve to be maligned in such a way.

Book a week 2009 - 12/52 & 13/52

Last week I read Chuck Klosterman's Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story, it was a light entertaining read. I found his ideas about bands and music fandom funny, occasionally insightful. This strikes me as the sort of book I would have been really inspired by when I was in college.

This week I'm reading POJOs in Action: Developing Enterprise Applications with Lightweight Frameworks, which seems like a nice juicy technical book about modern Java frameworks.

There you are and here I stand

Back at work, still feel sick. The fever's gone, but have a bit of a cough and some congestion. K.'s sick now, she took a sick day from work and is home with N.. We took N. to the hospital yesterday btw - she has a fever, we're supposed to monitor her all week and take her back if the fever doesn't dissipate by the end of the week. Poor baby. I think on some level she's probably enjoying not having to go to the day care and getting to spend the day in bed with Mommy. I come back to work and there's projects piling up to my eyeballs. I may have to start coming in over the weekend or something to keep up. I don't feel good about this. We have a class at the church tonight, for N's baptism next month. Feel stretched thin, and then when I do get some time to do something, I feel lazy and waste my time doing nothing on the internet.

At church they read this bit of Corinthians, that both reminded me of my wife and made me feel guilty for being such an asshole to her:

Love is patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong.

Would you believe more than 10 years ago, as a young man just out of college, I thought that today's post title would be the title of my novel? It's a throwaway line from 'The Wagon' by Dinosaur Jr. This may still be the title of my novel, although the veiled reference to my defiant stance against conformity will not mean the same thing anymore. I remember having really long hair, and telling my incredulous dad of my plans to write said novel over the dinner table. God I used to be so idealistic and clueless.

Fourteen years is a long winter

Taking a sick day from work today, have a really bad viral something or other. N. came back from day care last week with a virus and I immediately caught it - K. however is immune so far, due to her exposure to all kinds of childhood germs on the job. Now is not the best time for me to get sick, but there's nothing I can do about it. Had a really bad temperature over the weekend, bad cough, bad congestion and allergies. Felt like my head was burning up and there were a million tiny allergy insects running around my sinuses. N. had a bad fever as well, the same symptoms, of course we were really worried about her. I'm laying around today with her, watching her sleep, playing her cartoon videos on youtube, feeding her bottle when she cries. She's sleeping right now and I'm watching a documentary about Nico on youtube.

Have been all over the place lately. Have been too sick to get anything done, no reading, no programming. I tried to record some stuff but I'd make it halfway through a take then I'd cough and it would be ruined. I'll try again when I'm better in a couple of days. No working out - at least yesterday. Despite my fever we went to Wishbone for brunch - God that was good food. Coffee, eggs florentine, lemon poppyseed pancakes drizzled with cream and blueberry preserves. I'm hungry right now, but there's nothing in the fridge unless I want to cook something. K.'s supposed to be bringing some stuff home for dinner.

Have been in a very dark mood lately, maybe the sickness has something to do with it - they come on at around the same time. I feel like I know a hundred songs but I won't really know them fully unless I record them. I feel like I won't be able to write a really good original song until I master the songs by other people that are in my head. That really has nothing to do with my dark mood, which has everything to do with frustration at my inability to change in the face of all the demands life is pressing on me. Noone loved Nico, and Nico loved noone. I thought that I was like Nico, for a while, a long while. And then I met my wife and I knew how easy it was to be loved, and how difficult it was to be loved unconditionally. I can never live up to it and keep tearing down images she has of me.

When N. is happy, she makes a growling noise like a small animal, like a baby bear or something like that. It's really amusing. Sometimes when she sits up she seems like a little meerkat. We wake up, I bounce her on my chest a little, feed her, we growl at each other, I carry her around the house while she growls at me. Funny stuff. K. just called - she is getting sick too, she says. So there's a chance we may all be laying around the house tomorrow. I made a photo slide show in iMovie about our recent trip to San Francisco. I had a great time on that trip, I'll always remember it.

Ulrich Schnauss - A Letter From Home

I first heard of Ulrich Schnauss when I dl'd his album off of somebody on Slsk whose tastes I enjoyed. I was surprised at how good his first couple albums were - they seemed unique in relation to most current electronic music in that they seem more concerned with composition than with production tricks. We wound up seeing him a couple years ago when he opened for M83.


Ulrich Schnauss - A Letter From Home

It pays to talk to noone

We had an emergency medical situation with the baby last week on vacation, it kind of spoiled the trip for me. We're back now, we're both still feeling jetlagged, the baby's fine - she just gave us a scare. Santa Clara was semi boring, but I learned a lot at the conference, felt inspired at the time but now I just feel really tired. San Fran - what we got to see of it - was really cool, I still feel like NYC and LA are cooler places to live, and I still kind of prefer Chicago although as I grow older I become more intolerant of the winters. I had to move offices the past couple of days so everything's been up in the air. Feeling drained. I found out today that I missed the registration deadline for my upcoming 10k race, so I'll have to sign up for another race that takes place in April. I'm just continuing on out of sheer habit, with my reading, with my running and training, with work. Still have faith that good things will eventually happen. Party at a friend's house on Saturday. Probably the few things in life that truly make me happy at this point - my wife and baby, playing guitar, music.

I remember being young but feeling old, not worrying about anything although I should have been worried about everything. Laying awake at night on a bed of clothes and unopened mail, not knowing what was going to happen to me, stuck in time while people all around me were passing me by, a joke to people who knew me but living this idealized life that existed only in my head. We are writing our future every minute of the day, what I wish I knew back then was that you can choose to stop at any point and declare this is the point at which I'm going to turn my life around, it's never too late - would I still feel this way if I was 60? My guess is yes but my goals would be different and have more to do with making peace with the past. I don't feel the need anymore to make peace with the past, I want to live fully in the present and conquer the future. That point came for me when I decided I loved my wife and we had a child. And it's been a gradual unfolding process as I unlock my mind. I feel my life turning gradually on its crooked axis. I had a dream that I played piano, and everything my hands did on the keyboard produced beautiful music. And our culture fills me with trepidation, not only for me but for my daughter.

I need to start recording myself again, it will be hard when J. comes to store my electric guitars, amp, and pedals at his place, so we can make room for N. And I really want to get a group together or at least start playing out again - and this time I'll actually be good. But older, and not so good looking. I go running and I play the same song on repeat for miles. I get obsessed with music that way, sometimes it's a song, sometimes it's an album. None of the cunts I grew up with would understand the things that I value, and what it is that I do. They've let public school, then college, then work, completely kill the creative process for them. I don't care if I never fit in, it doesn't matter anymore.

Book a week 2009 - 11/52

I'm not sure if I've already read this book or not, but this week's book is Learning XML, Second Edition (Paperback). Should be a good quick read, mostly refresher material. I'm mainly looking to brush up on my XML as a lot of the stuff I intend to do with Spring and Hibernate in the future tends to use XML config files or Java annotations.

An Ennigramatic Dream

Initial sense that people in California are a lot nicer than people in Chicago, certain a lot nicer than people on the east coast. A hearty greeting from the people in the elevator, from the guy sitting next to me on the plane.

The roads are wider here, it's legal to uturn, the street crossing lights tweet at you like a bird when it's ok to walk.

Geeks, it's already six in the morning but I can feel the geeks coming out of hiding. My people! I have a love hate relationship with 'my people'. I feel a part of them, but separate from them. I admire the intellectualism, the unpretentiousness, the focus on innovation, the humor (my people are funny, we are the funny behind the internets). I do sometimes wish that they'd present themselves better, take some time to attend to their physical fitness and their clothes, not be so damn, well, geeky.

My typical day here goes something like: wake up around 6, go downstairs to the hotel bar/restaurant area and grab coffee. Then seminar starts at 8:30, there are 1-2 classes in the morning til noon, then lunch, then more seminar til 5 in the afternoon. I can't wait til K. and N. arrive tonight - I can't stand being alone these days, drives me crazy. At night I work out at the hotel gym, have a couple drinks at the hotel bar, usually wine, ordering room service, which is expensive but a nice luxury. The important thing is being as present as possible at the seminar. Been loving this really, despite the place being too cold, and some of the speakers being boring. Learning a lot, learning a lot about what I don't know, learning a lot about how what I know and what we do on the job is hopelessly out of date. Feel inspired to go home and read 50 books and lock myself in my room and program. Have not gone outside much, except to run a little bit. This place is an industrial wasteland - there's not many restaurants or stores within walking distance, you have to wait forever for the lights to change.

Book a week 2009 - 10/52

I picked up How to Become CEO: The Rules for Rising to the Top of Any Organization while waiting for my plane at O'Hare airport. Seemed like a light read, I need a light read this week as I will be pretty occupied with a software development seminar this week - but at the same time seemed to provide a lot of practical career advice.

A man, extremely lazy, exhumes the cooked pigeon, his words indignant because it was cooked wrong

Brain extremely fuzzy, difficult to concentrate. The only immediately goal I'm going to give myself is the completion of this blog entry in my frenzied state. Playing Two Librans as I type this in my hotel room at the Hyatt Santa Clara. I have not seen warm spring weather in what seems like ages - the last time I noticed it was warm enough for children to go swimming in the pool my baby was not even born. That was another lifetime ago. My legs are weary as I ran six miles last night, I'll run another 4 miles today and it will be an adventure to fun outside in the spring weather in a city that is unfamiliar to me. Have been noticing that I look slim in clothes, even though I feel fat sometimes when I contemplate my naked body.

I cooked dinner for my mother in law and wife, and fed N. a vanilla cupcake for her six month birthday while K. and her mom took pictures. Something about the new brand of baby wipes gave her a rash and we had to bathe her in the sink. N.'s personality is developing - she is funny, teasing, jokey, energetic and very curious. Many people comment on her beauty. She seems beautiful to me but I'd feel the same regardless if it were true. I take some pride in it regardless. I write to pass the time, and I notice the Tracey Jordan Google video link is my most popular blog post. I write to entertain myself and to entertain my future self who may one day read these words and take satisfaction that I bothered to write down certain things that might otherwise be forgotten.

I fall asleep immediately, and am assaulted by vivid dreams that feel like episodes of deja vu. I think I am dreaming the same episodes repeatedly but I forget most of my dreams upon waking. I am having vivid sex dreams involving nature and especially bodies of water. I dreamt of sitting at my desk, working on a particular project at work many months before actually experiencing it. I dreamt that I had an almost preternatural skill at playing the piano - it was as if anything my hands did on the keyboard produced perfectly formed musical ideas - this is of course not the case in real life, but my wife interprets this to mean that I am in control. This is of course not the case in real life - BUT I'M GETTING CLOSE. One thing I thank God for is the gift of music, and the audacious idea he planted in my head years ago to stick with it despite the apparent futility of learning another instrument and getting involved in music again. The other day I attempted to play a piece of music that seemed almost impossible for me to play a couple of years ago and I realized that it was easy for me to play, and I thought that I must be good if this piece was easy for me, and I thought that I am at least as good if not better than people making music that gets played on the radio. I take great pride in my guitar skills, it's a great source of joy for me and I think my wife also enjoys it.

I am always tired due to the constant training, and yet I am still unsatisfied with my body, I wonder if this is the human condition. I wake up early almost instinctively and pack for my 8 day trip to the developer conference in San Francisco - actually Santa Clara, San Jose airport, and Silicon Valley. I pack, drink coffee, and K. drives me to O'Hare and gives me a kiss and waves to me as I check my bags at curbside checkin and board an American Airlines jet bound for California. On the 4 hour plane ride I drink 2 glasses of red wine, read two Newsweek magazines in their entirety and half of a novel. I watch the snowcapped mountains and verdant green suburban expanse of Northern California unfolds beneath the plane as we make our descent. I walk through the San Jose airport, which is indistinguishable from the airports I passed through on my last 3 business trips. I take a cab to the hotel, check in, and drink some more at the hotel bar, call my wife, then go back to my room and take a short nap. I awake to the sight of the industrial office park wasteland that is Santa Clara outside my window. Yahoo, Google, Apple, Cisco, Nortel, Citrix, Brocade are all here. I'm about to throw on some shorts and go jogging, but I'll check in later. I know I'm going to miss my family but they will meet me here eventually.

Book a week 2009 - 9/52

This week's book is Gilead by Marilynne Robinson, supposedly Obama's favorite book. It's about relationships between fathers and sons. This should be interesting as I'm a new dad. This will be my first fiction book in several years.

Woe to thee o land if thy king is a child

L. and N. are staying with us for a few days to look after N. while her grandparents are out of the country. Last night we took them to Lincoln Square for dinner and ice cream, then they went with us to interview the new day care people that K.'s friend A. recommended to us. A bunch of really nice Greek grandmas. So there's a possibility that N. will be going to this place instead of her grandma, as it may be too hard for her grandma to look after her with my dad being sick and the two crazy dogs. We were thinking - if everything happens for a reason, maybe God didn't want N. crawling around on the floor with those two crazy dogs who get into huge scratching fights with each other all the time. Hell, I was scratched up pretty good a couple times over the years. Then I went to my parents and drove them and their friends to the airport where they'll fly to the Philippines for 3 weeks. They should have fun, I think they're going to lay on the beach and play golf.

The weather is warming up. I'm coming off a period of really low energy starting last week around the time we went out to dinner with J. and C. I was just down, I skipped working out, didn't read that much, didn't want to clean around the house, was having trouble with work. It got so bad I scheduled an emergency appointment with J. to talk about it. I think I'm feeling better now. I've had more energy the past couple of days - I've been training again in the mornings, it helps that it's not so brutally cold these days. I just got really sick of waking up and having to face sub zero temps first thing in the morning. Relationships with my family are still very good. K. and I are tighter than ever. I'm always amazed at what a wonderful person she is. I don't think I could've gotten through some of the really difficult gotchas life's thrown at me in the past couple of weeks that I haven't even mentioned in this blog because they're too personal, without K. L.'s birthday last week, feeling a little more connected to my brother, which I'm happy about. N. is crawling a lot these days, it's funny watching her learn to climb on things.

Frustrated with a project at work, that's the thing that's really bringing me down lately. We also still have to finish our budget for the end of last month. It's just too busy - we have 2 houseguests now, I'm moving offices, then I leave this weekend for San Francisco, then mother in law comes in for a week. Looking forward to the developer's conference, I'm going to really try to learn a lot while I'm there. I may even get a head start on the java certification I plan to study for this year.

Live blogging the Oscars!

I dunno how long I'm going to last, but here goes...

I love how Hugh Jackman is like this manly man with hair on his back, but he's also big into musical theater.

The guy who plays Nixon looks older than dirt, him and Peter Gabriel look about the same age.

That was actually a great opening number. Jackman's really funny, I'm glad it's not, like Whoopi this year.

Haha Mickey Rourke looking fly! I have a feeling tonight's all about Rourke.

Tilda's dress is not so good.

I have this irrational antipathy for Penelope Cruz, mainly based on her goddamn accent.

Amy Smart is a way hotter Pam from the office.

Argh she won! The accent is like nails on a blackboard for me. I would totally do her though.

The only guys with huge sculpted physiques like Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhall that you see in real life are either gay guys or roidhead personal trainers (or both). Totally not believable in 'everyday guy' romcom roles.

Tina Fey sporting the asymmetrical halfway up do. She's hotter with glasses. Steve Martin is the man, everyone should recognize the genius of Bowfinger and the Pink Panther.

The best screenplay winner gave a really touching speech.

Aniston looking older, but still way hotter than Jolie.

Love the girl from Mama Mia, hate hate hate the guy from Twlight.

Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist was insufferable.

Ben Stiller as Joaquin - awesome. Portman looking HOT.

Seth Rogan will finally lose the weight, and all the girls who say that he'd be cute if he lost weight will admit he looked better as a chub. Kind of like Ben Gibbard. And me.

I'm actually enjoying these musical numbers. Jackman is multi faceted. Beyonce's all about huge thighs.

N's idol Vanessa Hudgens is on with Zaquisha.

Fucking Rourke. That guy would be shirtless if they'd let him.

Whoa Walken. That's a crazy looking guy.

Fuck this documentary guy with the magic tricks and the scarf.

I just realized that Indiana Jones is totally getting shut out, deservedly so.

Hoping M.I.A. wins this, she's not here anyways. Well, she lost.

Reese looks really ordinary. Compared to Portman and Biel, she looks like any girl you'd see in the grocery store. I'd still do her.

Marion Cotillard bringing sexy back as usual.

Good god Sophia Loren looks like a leather handbag. I'd still do her.

I'm glad Kate Winslet won an Oscar, I like her. She looks old, a lot older than I expected. Still hot, hotter than Angelina. Why is she out of breath?

Noone will top Marion Cotillard's acceptance speech from last year. 'You rocked my life!'

Michael Douglas looks pretty good for an old as hell guy.

Man I'm really hoping Rourke wins this. Look at that huge pinky ring and the hand tattoo. And the gold tooth. And the sunglasses inside.

Wtf does that mean 'elect and elegant man president'?

Going to bed. I don't even care what wins Best Picture.

Book a week 2009 - 8/52

I found this random book, Dances With Marmots - A Pacific Crest Trail Adventure on a random google search. It just seemed like a good light read, I've also been interested in hiking the Pacific Crest Trail at some point. It seems like a really awesome adventure, perhaps when N's a bit older I can contemplate doing something like this.

Smashing Pumpkins - 99 Floors

From an audio rip of the If All Goes Wrong documentary. A Dylan-guesting-on-Zeppelin-III acoustic jam (also sounds like 'Whir') from their Fillmore residency that hardly anyone who isn't a closet Pumpkins fanatic would seek out or appreciate. I remember when I used to get into big arguments about Janes Addiction vs. Pumpkins in college - now Dave Navarro is hosting game shows and the Pumpkins, although not popular anymore after an admittedly spotty comeback album - still occasion come out with a gem of a b-side such as this.



Smashing Pumpkins - 99 Floors

Book a week 2009 - 7/52

Last year I tried to read a terribly detailed technical book about the linux kernel. It made some sense, but I felt frustrated that I couldn't understand the code snippets written in C. So I've decided to learn C using - what else - the iconic The C Programming Language (2nd Edition) by Brian W. Kernighan, Dennis M. Ritchie. Actually, looking at my to-read list on goodreads - it looks like my aim for the next year is primarily to increase my technical knowledge in 4 areas -

1. Unix and Unix programming in C to the point where I can at least understand code snippets given in the kernel book and possibly start contributing some kernel code to the linux community.

2. Increasing my Java knowledge to the point where I can pass a high level technical certification.

3. Learning Ruby and Ruby on rails in order to use them more fluently at my current job.

4. Mac OSX programming in Objective C and Cocoa to the point where I'm writing some desktop or iPhone apps.

Sounds like a very ambitious range of projects, learning 4 languages. But it's not really - since I already know them all to varying degrees, and most object oriented languages seem very similar to me at this point. So that leaves C, which from most accounts I've read, is relatively to pick up. We'll see.