My life is made of patterns that can scarcely be controlled

We were moving and painting the past two weeks - there's still stuff at the old apartment, I have to go there today to pick up most of it, then return at the end of the week to pick up the vacuum after the maid service finishes cleaning in preparation for the new owners. Closing is tomorrow, although we won't be there - I think K. is signing papers today related to closing. I'm really liking our new neighborhood, it's just a beautiful place, nice neighbors, nice shops, I think K. and N. will be very happy living here. We just finished up taking most of the books out of boxes last night, everything still needs to be organized.

I feel like everything's changing again - the past couple years have really been a whirlwind of change, my life is really different than what it was like even two years ago. And now I'm living in a different place. All I want is for my girls to be happy, and to save money for the future. I don't care about living up to somebody else's standards of materialism or what constitutes success. I feel like I'm entering another chapter in my life - let's make it a good one full of happiness.

Lord knows there's been so much turmoil with my dad's death last month. I'm still processing that, also still making sure my mom's ok. I feel like there's not much I can do for her besides visit her as much as I can, it's difficult with the baby and K's schedule. Honestly I think for a few weeks I was really out of control. I don't want to get into my various struggles with addictions, but I think I just gave up for a while. After leaving my therapist's office last week I just decided to get back on track with everything - my job, my sobriety, my relationships. Driving to the UP last week gave me a lot of time to think, I'm just so grateful for my beautiful family and life, I feel like I've been making so much progress it would be stupid to do anything to jeopardize it.

I'm looking forward to fixing our house nice, and making it a nice place for us to hang out at home with the baby. She also has a birthday party coming up which will also serve as a housewarming party - we've invited a lot of people, I'm starting to worry about setting up for the party. Some other new developments - I've been jogging with K. and N. in the mornings these days. I don't get as good of a workout but it's nice to share that part of my life with them. I also corresponded last week with a guy who lives in my neighborhood who's interested in playing together. I don't know what will come of it - some recording, maybe performing or getting a band together, maybe just making a new friend.

God my birthday is tomorrow, I'm getting old. I still get insecure sometimes about my life. I guess moreso about my career and my financial situation than about my life, as I'm really grateful for my little family. I feel like I've been making very slow progress, and that I haven't been paying as much attention to my career as I should with all of the stuff going on in my personal life this year. I still wonder how it is that some people get rich, and I feel that connections and nepotism has to play into it. I've still yet to really apply myself in a focused manner for an extended period of time. Maybe once things settle down I can get myself on some kind of program to improve my career, I think if I really try there's no way I can fail - but you know, time is short and I'm not getting any younger.