Irreversible

I never wanted to kill myself, despite things I might have said, but there have been times in my life when I felt hopeless, and I didn't know how I'd be able to get through another day. I've blamed my father for everything that went wrong in my life, but I've gradually come to accept that it was all my fault for being an idiot. That doesn't mean that I don't have a lot of anger directed to my dad for not being there for me when I needed him the most. It's like I was carrying a weight around all my life - the weight of his expectations, his disapproval, his scorn, and his emotional abandonment. In the end I was not strong enough, or wasn't good enough, to rise above my negative self image - until much later than was ideal, until I was too old to enjoy it or to take any satisfaction out of it, until many people younger than me had passed me by. Not that I don't appreciate where I'm at now, God knows I do. It's just that I can never live completely in the present - I'm always sifting through the wreckage of my past, trying to sort everything out, which is impossible as my perceptions of the past are constantly constantly chaging. All the while my life is rushing by, trying to grasp it is like trying to hold back the tide, it's just impossible.