You always smile but in your eyes your soul shows

My wife is an emotional wreck, she's crying all of the time due to all the pressures of 2 graduate programs, a full time job, pregnancy, and planning an upcoming wedding. There's not much I can do except take on all the cooking, shopping, laundry, cleaning, basically everything I can to make her life easier. She chose the graduate school lifestyle but this pregnancy and wedding were sort of unanticipated. She reminds me of myself when I was going through all the crap for my Masters at NU, being pulled in all of these directions, always worried about some test coming up on top of all the worries of dealing with life, letting stuff like cleaning or bills go due to lack of time then having to deal with the stress of letting it go. There's really no time - unless you are one of those rare humans who require little sleep or downtime - so you have to prioritize and let stuff go. She's actually pretty lucky I'm around - she'd be living in a pig stye eating from McDonalds drive through every night.

I've been up since 4:30, went into work early today. Been working hard, also I've done some good work on myself the past week in my free time, organizing bills and such - just as in the past, the process of getting organized is itself very stressful, even though the end result is the calm of an ordered mind and life. I'm determined this time to take my life to another level - one where I'm not only on top of things, but also excelling in the most important areas of my life - family, relationships, wealth, etc. I'm meditating again and going back to the gym after about 2 weeks of being a lazy slob. Gained about 5 pounds, I really have to lose it fast because spring is right around the corner.

The temporary insanity of my parents due to baby on the brain

What is it about parents and babies? After 30 years of being a black sheep of the family, all of a sudden I'm the greatest guy in the world to my mom, and she wants me and my wife over at her house all the time. Of course it has nothing to do with me, it doesn't have a lot to do with K. either. I think if my mom could pick the baby out of K's stomach and put it into her own menopausal stomach, she would. Perhaps that's all it is - a desire to relive the early days of parenthood, and being able to care for a cute newborn baby but not have to pay any of the bills. This just seems crazy to me - you'd think after a lifetime of raising kids, the last thing they'd want to do is take care of more kids.

Of Moons, Birds & Monsters

Purging my blog of a lot of the 'seduction site' related spam. I haven't frequented that type of stuff for almost two years now, and it doesn't have much relevance to my life anymore.

Feeling stressed out lately. I haven't been sleeping well. I finally came out and admitted to K. about all my various financial situations that I still have to deal with - seems better to be out in the open with my wife about those things, instead of keeping them a secret and not dealing with them. I will probably take some nagging but it's better this way, and I know now that I will have to get off my butt finally and deal with them. Honestly, I'm about 3 months backed up again. I hate feeling like this. At first it was my dad's operation, then it was getting engaged, then pregnant, then married all in the space of 2 months. I know that's no excuse not to stay on top of your shit, but that's why I'm like this again. At first I was too preoccupied with my dad being sick to worry about anything, then I was too preoccupied with the pregnancy stuff, things don't seem like a problem until later on when you've let them slide for a while. It's not as bad as it has been in the past - I just can't afford to let myself get in trouble again, I have a wife and baby to worry about now, and it's about time that I get serious about my career and financial situation.

I took two days off work to drive up to the UP with K. and visit the in laws. We drive around in the snow looking at houses, we visit with cousins and play with their babies - K's family has gorgeous babies with blonde hair and blue eyes. We eat in these restaurants that serve ungodly large portions that leave you feeling all groggy and bloated. My father in law is such a nice guy, I really like hanging out with him. Right now we're sitting in a coffee shop in Iron Mountain - K's doing her final online and I'm blogging and sporadically reading crap out of my Rails book. We sent all of yesterday and will probably spend the rest of the weekend visiting friends and family. We're going to visit A. this afternoon, she's gonna hook K. up with a new phone. We took a look at the wedding reception spot at the Iron Mountain Country Club yesterday - seems nice. Holy crap, the beer bill is gonna be like 3 grand! Man, this wedding is so expensive and we're actually doing it on the cheap compared to some people.

Quote

Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people.
~Elanor Roosevelt

20 something girl names

fiona bright one
maria bitter- a bitterly wanted child
riley valiant, a rye meadow
helena light
phoebe bright shining one
vera truth
sadie princess
simone heard
hannah favor, grace
Zoe
vivian full of life, vibrant
chloe verdant & blooming
allie of noble birth
gabrielle hero of god
teagan good looking
nadia hopeful
gianna god is gracious
nina
reese
aubrey
bailey
sasha

Hell no I ain't happy, but I ain't too crappy

My wife is annoyed that I'm staying up all night. I can't help it, I'm just not sleepy. I wind up getting out of bed and surfing around on my laptop in the bathroom. Eventually it's like 1 in the morning and I have to take a Benedryl to fall asleep - then I wake up in the morning totally out of it. Maybe this is because I have sort of been blowing off working out lately, I used to fall asleep like a baby after a good workout. K. thinks it's because I bring my laptop to bed, something about the lights on the screen not being conducive to falling asleep. I am going to switch to reading books in bed before sleep. I'll wind up spending less time messing around on youtube and more time reading stuff that will help me in my life.

Good weekend of hanging around the house with the wife. We watched a lot of movies - Hot Rod was pretty good, I'm surprised it wasn't a big hit. Felt sort of underwhelmed @ Transformers. We went to see the Hawks play Calgary on Sunday at the United Center. I'm not that into hockey - I want K. to buy some Bulls tix or something.

Work going well, have to keep up my focus so this trend continues. I'm worried about my other responsibilities. Revamped my GTD weekly review processes, gonna spend a lot more time working on myself. I've made so much great progress, it would be a shame to fall back now.

IMDB Top 250

K. and I are trying to watch all the IMDB Top 250 movies. We have 1-50 queued up in our NetFlix account - So far I've really liked City of God and all the spaghetti westerns. K. however, is complaining that she doesn't like any of the movies - I guess the list is loaded with male dominated shoot em up type movies. She just queued up La Vie en Rose. Here's the list again, it may take a long time to get through it.

Top 250 movies as voted by our users

For this top 250, only votes from regular voters are considered.
Rank Rating Title Votes
1. 9.1 The Godfather (1972) 266,645
2. 9.1 The Shawshank Redemption (1994) 315,395
3. 9.0 The Godfather: Part II (1974) 152,715
4. 8.9 Buono, il brutto, il cattivo, Il (1966) 87,092
5. 8.8 Pulp Fiction (1994) 270,702
6. 8.8 Schindler's List (1993) 181,453
7. 8.8 One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975) 135,795
8. 8.8 Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980) 191,380
9. 8.8 Casablanca (1942) 118,878
10. 8.8 Shichinin no samurai (1954) 66,525
11. 8.8 Star Wars (1977) 231,231
12. 8.8 The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003) 242,344
13. 8.7 12 Angry Men (1957) 63,953
14. 8.7 Rear Window (1954) 78,696
15. 8.7 Goodfellas (1990) 147,575
16. 8.7 Cidade de Deus (2002) 92,379
17. 8.7 Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) 164,237
18. 8.7 The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) 275,547
19. 8.7 C'era una volta il West (1968) 44,033
20. 8.7 The Usual Suspects (1995) 186,478
21. 8.6 Psycho (1960) 96,884
22. 8.6 Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964) 112,368
23. 8.6 Fight Club (1999) 240,486
24. 8.6 Citizen Kane (1941) 102,230
25. 8.6 The Silence of the Lambs (1991) 165,357
26. 8.6 North by Northwest (1959) 64,206
27. 8.6 Memento (2000) 176,855
28. 8.6 The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002) 226,854
29. 8.6 Sunset Blvd. (1950) 34,208
30. 8.6 It's a Wonderful Life (1946) 72,127
31. 8.6 There Will Be Blood (2007) 41,903
32. 8.5 The Matrix (1999) 258,804
33. 8.5 Lawrence of Arabia (1962) 56,164
34. 8.5 Se7en (1995) 178,517
35. 8.5 Apocalypse Now (1979) 120,082
36. 8.5 Taxi Driver (1976) 99,439
37. 8.5 American Beauty (1999) 201,856
38. 8.5 Léon (1994) 121,352
39. 8.5 Vertigo (1958) 62,012
40. 8.5 Fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain, Le (2001) 121,568
41. 8.5 American History X (1998) 138,550
42. 8.5 No Country for Old Men (2007) 76,747
43. 8.5 The Departed (2006) 151,660
44. 8.5 Paths of Glory (1957) 28,691
45. 8.5 M (1931) 25,473
46. 8.4 To Kill a Mockingbird (1962) 56,712
47. 8.4 Chinatown (1974) 51,368
48. 8.4 The Third Man (1949) 34,619
49. 8.4 Leben der Anderen, Das (2006) 33,437
50. 8.4 Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) 137,751
51. 8.4 A Clockwork Orange (1971) 128,623
52. 8.4 Alien (1979) 119,889
53. 8.4 The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948) 21,155
54. 8.4 Laberinto del fauno, El (2006) 87,163
55. 8.4 The Shining (1980) 110,623
56. 8.4 Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi (2001) 62,031
57. 8.4 The Pianist (2002) 78,107
58. 8.4 Double Indemnity (1944) 23,381
59. 8.4 Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) 112,079
60. 8.4 Forrest Gump (1994) 187,894
61. 8.4 Saving Private Ryan (1998) 184,760
62. 8.4 The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957) 40,518
63. 8.4 L.A. Confidential (1997) 118,491
64. 8.4 Boot, Das (1981) 50,335
65. 8.4 Requiem for a Dream (2000) 115,043
66. 8.4 Reservoir Dogs (1992) 140,927
67. 8.4 Untergang, Der (2004) 47,271
68. 8.4 Aliens (1986) 115,668
69. 8.4 The Maltese Falcon (1941) 35,614
70. 8.4 Raging Bull (1980) 58,407
71. 8.4 Metropolis (1927) 25,073
72. 8.4 Rashômon (1950) 24,937
73. 8.3 Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) 149,325
74. 8.3 Modern Times (1936) 21,825
75. 8.3 Hotel Rwanda (2004) 54,526
76. 8.3 Singin' in the Rain (1952) 37,714
77. 8.3 Sin City (2005) 160,261
78. 8.3 Rebecca (1940) 22,946
79. 8.3 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) 111,447
80. 8.3 Sjunde inseglet, Det (1957) 22,671
81. 8.3 All About Eve (1950) 23,696
82. 8.3 Some Like It Hot (1959) 45,676
83. 8.3 City Lights (1931) 15,978
84. 8.3 On the Waterfront (1954) 26,592
85. 8.3 Amadeus (1984) 66,288
86. 8.3 Vita è bella, La (1997) 70,786
87. 8.3 The Great Escape (1963) 40,411
88. 8.3 Touch of Evil (1958) 21,478
89. 8.3 The Prestige (2006) 104,585
90. 8.3 The Elephant Man (1980) 35,847
91. 8.3 Jaws (1975) 92,403
92. 8.3 Full Metal Jacket (1987) 96,806
93. 8.3 The Sting (1973) 43,952
94. 8.3 Nuovo cinema Paradiso (1988) 28,999
95. 8.3 The Manchurian Candidate (1962) 24,969
96. 8.3 Once Upon a Time in America (1984) 44,830
97. 8.2 Braveheart (1995) 167,381
98. 8.2 The Apartment (1960) 22,206
99. 8.2 Blade Runner (1982) 129,771
100. 8.2 Strangers on a Train (1951) 21,498
101. 8.2 The Great Dictator (1940) 22,521
102. 8.2 Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939) 22,297
103. 8.2 Batman Begins (2005) 155,798
104. 8.2 Salaire de la peur, Le (1953) 8,223
105. 8.2 Ladri di biciclette (1948) 15,977
106. 8.2 High Noon (1952) 22,964
107. 8.2 Ran (1985) 23,362
108. 8.2 Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi (1983) 149,819
109. 8.2 The Big Sleep (1946) 19,326
110. 8.2 The Wizard of Oz (1939) 70,677
111. 8.2 Notorious (1946) 20,566
112. 8.2 Back to the Future (1985) 131,072
113. 8.2 Fargo (1996) 114,058
114. 8.2 Oldboy (2003) 52,350
115. 8.2 Unforgiven (1992) 61,504
116. 8.2 Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989) 112,241
117. 8.2 Ratatouille (2007) 63,198
118. 8.2 Donnie Darko (2001) 134,265
119. 8.2 Mononoke-hime (1997) 42,060
120. 8.2 Cool Hand Luke (1967) 28,414
121. 8.2 Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003) 150,358
122. 8.2 Yojimbo (1961) 18,962
123. 8.2 Per qualche dollaro in più (1965) 24,489
124. 8.2 Million Dollar Baby (2004) 84,811
125. 8.2 The Green Mile (1999) 125,386
126. 8.2 The Bourne Ultimatum (2007) 77,367
127. 8.2 Notti di Cabiria, Le (1957) 6,324
128. 8.2 Battaglia di Algeri, La (1966) 7,740
129. 8.2 Gladiator (2000) 183,709
130. 8.1 Annie Hall (1977) 42,657
131. 8.1 Die Hard (1988) 119,784
132. 8.1 Ben-Hur (1959) 38,924
133. 8.1 Into the Wild (2007) 19,692
134. 8.1 The Deer Hunter (1978) 57,566
135. 8.1 The Sixth Sense (1999) 168,971
136. 8.1 It Happened One Night (1934) 15,712
137. 8.1 The General (1927) 12,661
138. 8.1 Platoon (1986) 72,117
139. 8.1 Kind Hearts and Coronets (1949) 7,855
140. 8.1 Life of Brian (1979) 63,763
141. 8.1 The Killing (1956) 15,161
142. 8.1 Smultronstället (1957) 12,721
143. 8.1 Diaboliques, Les (1955) 8,250
144. 8.1 Amores perros (2000) 38,260
145. 8.1 Finding Nemo (2003) 99,948
146. 8.1 The Incredibles (2004) 96,163
147. 8.1 V for Vendetta (2005) 132,894
148. 8.1 The Wild Bunch (1969) 20,699
149. 8.1 Children of Men (2006) 91,046
150. 8.1 Brief Encounter (1945) 7,560
151. 8.1 Heat (1995) 93,071
152. 8.1 Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969) 38,202
153. 8.1 Juno (2007) 64,453
154. 8.1 The Princess Bride (1987) 91,943
155. 8.1 The Graduate (1967) 52,558
156. 8.1 8½ (1963) 17,633
157. 8.1 Judgment at Nuremberg (1961) 8,275
158. 8.1 Letters from Iwo Jima (2006) 28,634
159. 8.1 The Night of the Hunter (1955) 15,500
160. 8.1 The Big Lebowski (1998) 110,565
161. 8.1 Crash (2004/I) 112,084
162. 8.1 Dog Day Afternoon (1975) 35,636
163. 8.1 Stand by Me (1986) 59,534
164. 8.1 Gandhi (1982) 32,114
165. 8.1 Shadow of a Doubt (1943) 12,692
166. 8.1 The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938) 14,833
167. 8.0 Harvey (1950) 15,031
168. 8.0 Snatch. (2000) 103,520
169. 8.0 Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (2004) 115,574
170. 8.0 Witness for the Prosecution (1957) 10,492
171. 8.0 The African Queen (1951) 23,984
172. 8.0 The Thing (1982) 44,811
173. 8.0 Trainspotting (1996) 99,417
174. 8.0 Gone with the Wind (1939) 53,134
175. 8.0 The Grapes of Wrath (1940) 15,017
176. 8.0 Belle et la bête, La (1946) 6,152
177. 8.0 Wo hu cang long (2000) 82,222
178. 8.0 The Gold Rush (1925) 12,834
179. 8.0 Little Miss Sunshine (2006) 87,501
180. 8.0 Groundhog Day (1993) 87,966
181. 8.0 The Conversation (1974) 20,821
182. 8.0 American Gangster (2007) 55,970
183. 8.0 Scarface (1983) 90,294
184. 8.0 Patton (1970) 26,730
185. 8.0 Duck Soup (1933) 17,941
186. 8.0 Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens (1922) 18,209
187. 8.0 Toy Story (1995) 88,619
188. 8.0 The Best Years of Our Lives (1946) 11,468
189. 8.0 Twelve Monkeys (1995) 113,489
190. 8.0 Cabinet des Dr. Caligari., Das (1920) 10,276
191. 8.0 The Terminator (1984) 113,075
192. 8.0 Umberto D. (1952) 4,718
193. 8.0 The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) 19,355
194. 8.0 Sleuth (1972) 9,922
195. 8.0 Stalker (1979) 11,700
196. 8.0 The Hustler (1961) 16,181
197. 8.0 Glory (1989) 39,738
198. 8.0 Ed Wood (1994) 48,020
199. 8.0 King Kong (1933) 25,330
200. 8.0 Grindhouse (2007) 54,102
201. 8.0 Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998) 75,692
202. 8.0 Hotaru no haka (1988) 19,746
203. 8.0 The Exorcist (1973) 67,158
204. 8.0 The Lion King (1994) 77,425
205. 8.0 Bride of Frankenstein (1935) 10,398
206. 8.0 All Quiet on the Western Front (1930) 13,994
207. 8.0 Spartacus (1960) 33,320
208. 8.0 The Ox-Bow Incident (1943) 5,224
209. 8.0 The Lost Weekend (1945) 7,383
210. 8.0 Magnolia (1999) 85,964
211. 8.0 Stalag 17 (1953) 13,671
212. 8.0 The Lady Vanishes (1938) 10,451
213. 8.0 Lola rennt (1998) 59,095
214. 8.0 In the Heat of the Night (1967) 14,219
215. 8.0 The Philadelphia Story (1940) 19,147
216. 8.0 Frankenstein (1931) 14,519
217. 8.0 Out of the Past (1947) 6,644
218. 8.0 Big Fish (2003) 85,530
219. 8.0 Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans (1927) 6,174
220. 8.0 Anatomy of a Murder (1959) 9,151
221. 8.0 Du rififi chez les hommes (1955) 5,204
222. 8.0 Casino (1995) 65,360
223. 8.0 Rosemary's Baby (1968) 29,490
224. 8.0 Toy Story 2 (1999) 76,745
225. 8.0 Bonnie and Clyde (1967) 25,363
226. 8.0 3:10 to Yuma (2007) 46,534
227. 8.0 Mystic River (2003) 72,084
228. 8.0 A Christmas Story (1983) 39,384
229. 8.0 Hot Fuzz (2007) 77,616
230. 8.0 Ikiru (1952) 10,536
231. 7.9 Mou gaan dou (2002) 21,666
232. 7.9 Manhattan (1979) 24,669
233. 7.9 The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance (1962) 15,168
234. 7.9 Young Frankenstein (1974) 41,681
235. 7.9 A Streetcar Named Desire (1951) 21,091
236. 7.9 Dial M for Murder (1954) 17,601
237. 7.9 Rope (1948) 18,056
238. 7.9 Roman Holiday (1953) 19,619
239. 7.9 Quatre cents coups, Les (1959) 14,205
240. 7.9 Once (2006) 12,752
241. 7.9 The Searchers (1956) 20,275
242. 7.9 In Cold Blood (1967) 6,828
243. 7.9 His Girl Friday (1940) 13,195
244. 7.9 Ying xiong (2002) 56,387
245. 7.9 Haine, La (1995) 16,867
246. 7.9 Shaun of the Dead (2004) 77,321
247. 7.9 Harold and Maude (1971) 18,186
248. 7.9 Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003) 159,850
249. 7.9 Samouraï, Le (1967) 5,849
250. 7.9 Aguirre, der Zorn Gottes (1972) 10,968

The formula for calculating the Top Rated 250 Titles gives a true Bayesian estimate:
weighted rating (WR) = (v ÷ (v+m)) × R + (m ÷ (v+m)) × C

where:
R = average for the movie (mean) = (Rating)
v = number of votes for the movie = (votes)
m = minimum votes required to be listed in the Top 250 (currently 1300)
C = the mean vote across the whole report (currently 6.7)
for the Top 250, only votes from regular voters are considered.

Leave your footprints and we'll shame them with our words

I was thinking of terminating this blog to start another blog about being a husband and a dad. I decided to keep this blog going though - I've grown kind of fond of it, although it's not exactly presentable to other people. There's way too many private thoughts in here that I wouldn't write in a blog that I would send out to family members or potential employers and such. Maybe that's why this blog has been so therapeutic, though.

This blog was always about 'willing my ideal life into existence', anyways, although in the early days it was more about going out to the bars as much as possible and 'doing sets'. I'm having a hard time remembering exactly how that makes you a better person. Right now it seems to me that I would've been better off staying at home, working on my programming projects, watching my money and such than going out to the bars to meet girls. It seemed like the thing to do at the time though, and I would never have met my wife.

So I'm married now. We had a courthouse wedding on Valentine's Day. The Skokie courthouse is a very romantic place to get married, let me tell you. It seemed like the only people there were either dressed up to get married or juvenile delinquents waiting for their day in court. There hasn't been a lot of time to write, there's just so much stuff going on. L. and N. stayed the weekend after the wedding, we took them to the aquarium and to the ESPN Zone. That was fun. There've been a lot of parties and get togethers, another sure sign of spring coming. H. threw an Oscars party, C. threw a party for us the other week, J threw a party last weekend, then we all went out to the Hawks game and out to dinner. Life feels happy and full. I'm getting along better with my brothers, I cherish all these new friends as if I've known them all my life.

I love my wife. Every day I love her more. Yesterday we went to see the OBGYN again, he told us we were doing fine and our baby's heartbeat was healthy. Afterwards we went shopping at Water Tower and ate at Food Life. I love Food Life, I don't understand why my dad hates it so much. Maybe it's the cafeteria tray thing, but I like it, I'm not very high maintenance. I got the stir fry tofu and frozen yogurt for dessert. Afterwards, we went home and she talked on the phone with her mom while I strummed my new acoustic guitar. Then I had K. sing songs while I played. Then we went to bed. I thank God every day for my life, and how great it is that I get to sleep next to this woman every night. I get up in the middle of the night sometimes, and kiss her on the cheek, and rub my baby in her stomach. I have happy but absurd dreams about Batman crashing his car into someone's backyard while being chased by slapstick butlers carrying silver trays.