Quote

This strikes me as very true.

The price one pays for pursuing any profession or calling is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.
- James Baldwin

Another one bites the dust

I spent a weekend hanging out with HBRussianGirl and suffice it to say, I think this relationship, whatever it was, is kaput. I don't really want to comment on it other than to say I probably need to read up on LMR and how to build up an emotional connection.

So I spent all of yesterday in a sort of bittersweet state of despondency. I played guitar all day, which was pretty fun, I talked to my mom on the phone. I've been having major breakthroughs with my relationship with my parents, I think that it may be too private to discuss in this blog right now.

Last week HBRussianGirl took one look at me and said, 'you look stressed'. I told her I was a tormented person, and I didn't want to go into all of the things that were wrong in my life. Way to make a great impression. At least I was being real. You know, women can always read you like a book. I don't know who I think I'm fooling. If you want to be that successful happy go lucky playboy, then you first need to eliminate your problems, get back on track with where you want to be going in life - and if you don't know at this late point, then you'd better figure it out buddy - and get back in touch with the things that really make you happy.

Of course the first step - eliminate all the problems that are weighing on you - is the hardest to deal with. It's hard for me to relate what my problems are in this blog, suffice to say they are mainly financial problems brought on by my former gambling problem and financial chaos brought on by my severe depression and reckless disregard for my well being.

At least I know that meditation is beneficial. It is weird, I was in a great mood all day - maybe it had something to do with the fact that I took St. John's Wort for the first time in more than a week. I could feel a jolt from the increased seratonin levels in vertebrae, or it could be my imagination.

Today started off ok, I meditated in the morning, had a semi productive day at work. I am being really productive tonight - I have to get back to balancing my checkbook and figuring out how I'm going to deal with traffic court on Wednesday morning when I don't have any personal or sick days left. It is always a huge shock whenever I force myself to look at my problems. It is so unpleasant, like pulling teeth. All of a sudden life is not so carefree and I have to face up to the ugly consequences of my inability to handle life. All of my problems are always so ridiculous. They are never the result of not being able to handle anything, or not being able to pay for something. They are always the result of neglect brought on by depression which saps my motivation to do anything when I get out of work other than fuck all. They are always the result of missing a deadline because I didn't know there was a deadline, shit like that.

I have to get back to work. The next couple of months are going to be rough for me. I have to get up early tomorrow to go to the first of my traffic court appointments. Honestly I don't care about HBRussianGirl all that much. I have way more pressing matters to attend to, survival matters. I shouldn't even have gone out in my horrible emotional state of the last couple of weeks. It was nice though, I feel a little more alive than I have been the past few weeks.

Meditation

Starting yesterday I will be meditating twice a day. Even if I only have a vague idea of what I'm doing, all the literature I've read so far says that the experience is different for everyone and that you learn as you go. So I will just begin and pick up knowledge as I go along, as I want this to be a life long pursuit like playing music.