Untouched

Just remembered my dad's going in for surgery tomorrow to have a cancerous area removed. I've been feeling really on edge yesterday, to the point where I was driving my wife crazy, this probably has a lot to do with it. I'm glad that all the holiday festivities are done, for the most part - I mean there's NYE tomorrow night, but we're not planning a huge outing to a nightclub or anything, I think we're either staying home or spending it with my mom and dad at the hospital. House is still a mess, even after K. and I worked on it for several hours last night after I pouted about it and gave her a lot of shit for not helping around the house, which I realize now was not fair to her. Feel so out of balance right now. Work is going slow, I have not had a lot of extra time to spend on getting caught up at work. I don't really believe in New Year's resolutions, if I did then I'd have too many to keep track of - really apply myself at my job next year, apply for a new job maybe, read a book a week, train for a half marathon, record 10 songs this year. Probably out of all of those the one about my job is most important, that's the only way I'm going to get some extra income, move my family out of our current house, and finally be happy about what I do for a living. Things seem very hard right now, very solemn and grim. Maybe it's winter, or this fucking recession. I took a look at what 2 bedrooms with parking are going for in my building these days - holy crap that was depressing. Maybe I should set aside a couple of hours later this week, do some meditating and a weekly review. Maybe I should go out running again - it's warm out again, I better take advantage of that.

Anyways, other than this relentless grimness, N's first Christmas went really well. She partied with her cousin C. at my mom's house, then we got up early Christmas morning and drove 85 mph to make it to Christmas brunch at the Inn with all our family in MI. That side of the family is really nice, they all love N. We also went on a sleigh ride with my mom in law's employer's family, which was really fun. They had a huge bonfire out in the woods with hot dogs and pasties and marshmallows, I've never done anything like that before. Me and the father in law also went ice fishing with some of the uncles, that was a blast. I'm just glad my wife and N. had a good Christmas, our first Christmas together. It's not surprising to me that my warm holiday cheer evaporates the minute I go back to work and remember that my dad's going in for surgery again. K. was crying a lot last night. I must be delightful to live with these days. I really shouldn't take out all my career frustrations out on her, she doesn't deserve that crap. God our daughter is so cute, she's talking a lot these days, it's hilarious to hear her trying to hold a conversation. Soon she won't be a little babbling infant anymore, but a little girl that runs around and talks, at that point it'll really seem like the 3 of us and not just me and K. and this helpless baby that we have to fend for constantly. I wonder what she'll look like when her hair grows in, what her first word will be - stuff like that. You worry about them so much, you never want them to ever get hurt, or frightened. You just want them to be happy all the time.

The Psychadelic Furs - The Ghost In You

I remember watching the video for this song back in 8th grade or freshman year in high school, on a video show called MV3 based out of LA playing on a Chicago UHF channel. That's how old I am. Later on I came to despise the Mark McGrath version of this song from the 50 First Dates soundtrack. This has been my 'screw around on guitar' song for the past week.


The Psychadelic Furs - The Ghost In You

Alone in the chain, it remains to be seen how well you can play when the pawn takes a queen now

I'm at the office early today, the boss just sent an email saying no managers will be around today, but feel free to leave early this afternoon to get an early start on the holidays. Feel bloated already and the celebrations haven't even started. It's been sub zero blizzard weather around here for more than a week. I've been trying to keep the faith with watching my diet and going to the gym, but the past couple of days it's just been too cold outside and difficult to walk in with all that snow. The other night K. came home from a 'holiday cookie baking party' with her girlfriends with a TON of delicious cookies and fudge. So I've been munching on those for the past few nights. We're going to be bringing the rest to my mom's tonight for Christmas eve. Our plan is to spend Christmas eve in Chicago, then we're going to get up early tomorrow and drive to Michigan. We should be in Michigan until the 29th, visiting K's family. I get so restless whenever we go for an extended trip to Michigan - I feel like I just sit there and there's nothing for me to do. The weather seems to be warming up today - precipitation was coming down as a mixture of rain and snow on my way to work. Yesterday I thought I might just take the week off from dieting and working out, lord knows I haven't given myself a break since June when I really started training hard.

This blog will be 4 years old. I feel like this entire year has been about me settling down into a domestic situation with my wife, becoming more connected with my family, and having N, while the year before was about my whirlwind relationship with K. and moving in together. It's not like I've devoted all my time to focusing on my career with a laser like intensity. I think about Balzac, who swore off women and even when he broke down and visited prostitutes lamented that 'there goes another novel'. It just seems to me sometimes that science, art, literature, etc. is accomplished by geeks sublimating their sexual urges for their art. I don't think I could do this personally, I mean I tried and it worked for a time, but I guess I eventually cracked. There has to be a way, of course the answer is 'balance' - but has anything great ever been done by someone who stops working at 5 o'clock, goes home and walks the dog, and goes shopping at Target with the kids on Saturdays? That's the stupid shit that I worry about as I waste another hour of my life on something other than learning new things, creating a piece of software, starting a company, updating my resume and looking for a new job.

My friend Paddock sent me a bunch of awesome burned albums for Christmas and I've really been digging them. I'm starting to get back into following new music again, after being apathetic/indifferent to 'hipster' culture for a long time. I just discovered Stereogum and have been downloading zip files of their top 50 MP3s as well as the Pitchfork top lists - I also brought my terabyte hard drive to my brother's house and stole my brother's and cousins' MP3s off their computers. I'm going to fill this terabyte hard drive with all my old shit also and finally get my music collection organized. It's funny, I'm like the 'hipster dad' who 'reads all the music blogs' that hipsterrunoff makes fun of. I just like music, I need tunes for running and driving around town with my wife.

It doesn't feel like Christmas, despite all the snow. The country is in the midst of a huge recession, I'm constantly worrying about money - not that we're bad off or in danger of losing our house or anything. I still feel the need to smile and keep up appearances. Last year felt more like Christmas and we spent it at the hospital with my dad while he prepared for his heart transplant. Honestly I feel really stressed out, every time I look at my wife and baby I'm reminded that their well being and happiness is my responsibility. The truth is they deserve a bigger house and only the best in life, but I'm not sure how I'm going to provide it for them. The answer of course is that I have to place the appropriate value on my life, concentrate on my career, believe in myself, and the universe will respond to the positive energy that I'm putting out into the world. It's very difficult though, I feel like all my free time is taken up with the baby. K. bought this 'christmas stocking needlepoint kit' - you know, the felt christmas stocking with embroidered angels or reindeer or something that your mother made for you when you were a kid. My mom made me one a long time ago with a picture of Snoopy on it that still hangs in her house every Christmas. Well I guess K. felt the need to make one for N., the thing is K. is very slow at things like sewing - so it's been almost a month and she has not finished it yet. But I have to hold N. on my lap and play with her and talk to her and feed her etc. while K. does her sewing. It's driving me batty. I can't even play freaking guitar, and I can't get extra stuff done for work. How am I supposed to be excellent at life when there's no time to do anything? I've found an answer, sort of. The past few weeks I've been getting up a couple hours early during the week - to get extra work done - which frees me up a little more in the evenings. It's a brutal schedule though, I get so tired, especially with all the exercising, last week with the blizzard like weather I guess I just gave up trying to follow this schedule. After Christmas I will try again. This is really my only option, otherwise I will never improve at my career/record more guitar songs/earn more money. Time is the most valuable thing you have in life, and I've squandered so much of it - I feel like I'm past the halfway point already in terms of living a vital life. But the thing is, you have to deal with your life now, especially now that I have my family to look after. There's enough time to do everything I ever wanted to do, I just have to find the resolve inside myself to make these things come true.

MGMT - Time to Pretend

Probably my pick for single of the year, at least it's the one that has left the biggest impression on me. I really like the lyrics for this song - I can imagine this running over the credits in a movie of my life circa the mid 90s.


MGMT - Time to Pretend

The Shins - Phantom Limb

A sultry wintry song that I was jamming to this morning on the way to work.


The Shins - Phantom Limb

Bank of America Shamrock Shuffle 8k

Here's my next run, so I don't forget. I start training for this bitch after my current 12 week schedule is over at the end of the month. There's a 10k in April that I will probably do immediately after, might as well as long as I've been training all winter. Dreading training in the Chicago winter. It'll be interesting to see at which point the cold will finally drive me indoors to the monotony of the treadmill. So far I've run in sub 10 degree weather, with a ton of snow and ice on the ground. It totally sucked, though.

that's how you let the skeet build bitch

So I missed my run. I've been training for the past 3 months for this 10k race - I thought the entire time that the race was on December 18, but I checked the website to see when I should register - and it turns out that the race was yesterday! We were so busy this weekend, I don't know if I even would have done the race. Parties Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Work Holiday party on Friday - all the people at work of course got a kick meeting N. N. had a hard time at that party, which is weird because she usually enjoys being around people. I think the music was just too loud or she was too tired. Met C.'s baby there, K. insists that ours is cuter. We had a board games party at J's house on Saturday, which was also for C's 30th birthday. We bought her a bunch of wine from Trader Joe's for a present. P. and his wife R. were there, we played Apples to Apples. Left N. with mom and dad that night, uncle J. was there and he claims he got N. to giggle all night. Wish we had a video of that. Sunday we skipped church and went out for brunch at Wishbone, then went to B.'s house for her kid J's 5th birthday party. Some girls from K's work were there, and they enjoyed passed N. around the room. The weather is crappy. It was around 30s this weekend, but it was still crappy running outside with the wind from the lake. I've been losing a lot of weight lately, I'm starting to like how I look again, which is great after stupidly letting myself go for a year with the baby and all the wedding crap. Made a vow to myself that I won't let that happen again, shouldn't be a problem if I maintain this running habit. I'm starting to look like a runner, I definitely will after I lose another pound. One change I notice - after my long run of 7 miles, I feel tired but honestly I could run a few more miles, whereas previously I'd be totally exhausted and go home and fall asleep the rest of the day on the couch. K. has been knitting this stocking for N. which means I have to hold N. on my lap while K. works on this shiznit - which also means that I haven't been practicing guitar that much. So, I'm a little edgy, I can't stand it when my practice schedule gets thrown out of whack. My baby is cute! Everybody loves her. It's really funny, she's like this little bear cub or baby monkey. When her mom holds her, she's perfectly fine to sit on my wife's lap and nurse, but when I hold her she has to climb up my shoulder like I'm some sort of human jungle gym. She is really high maintenance, too. She has to be held at all times, and she whines if I don't walk around the room with her on my shoulders. We finally set up our Christmas tree, looks nice unlike last year's tree. Still haven't finished shopping. Back at work today - we have to take N. for her 4 month shots this afternoon (early, she's 3 months old right now). What else. Been working my ass off. I feel pretty good about that. I feel like if I just maintain that type of work ethic, it's pretty much inevitable that some good things will start to happen in terms of my career.

Portishead - Machine Gun

This album's really been growing on me. I guess Portishead has always been brilliant. This is my fav song off it.


Portishead - Machine Gun

Stephen Colbert - Another Christmas Song

I'm thinking about posting mp3s once in a while on this blog, I'm experimenting with various mp3 streaming formats. This is just a test.

what you have already lost, consider as totally lost

Have been getting up at 4:30 am every morning before work as part of a concerted effort to become an 'early riser'. This decision was influenced by two articles I read online recently: Tapping the Power of Your Morning Routine  and How to Become an Early Riser.  There are basically several reasons I've decided to start getting up early.  One is my wife has gone back to work, and our morning routine has become very hectic - I have to shower by 6:30, then wake K. and N. up and give N. her bottle and change her while K. takes a shower and gets everything ready, then help them get everything to K's car then kiss them goodbye while K. takes N. to my mom's house on the way to work.  Quite a change from my previous morning routine of rolling out of bed with just enough time to take a shower, change and drive to work before everyone takes all the parking spots at work.  The other reason is the desire to change my life and career.  I've talked so much about my desire to finally grab my career by the horns, get a new job or a promotion, start my own business, increase my income.  I'm still sort of coming up with ideas about what my next career move, but I do know that before I make a move I need to be excellent at my current job, which I'm not.  I mean, I'm ok, but I'm not excellent - which is what you'd expect from somebody who for the past couple of years has worked 40 hours or less a week.  If you habitually put in the time and work 10, 20 hours more than you are expected to at work, you will eventually become successful, you will distinguish yourself among other 9 to 5 workers.  So far so good.  It was tough getting used to it at first, and I think I'm still getting used to it - I noticed I was a lot more tired at night, I had a few mornings where I felt really sleepy driving to work, and left my lights on one time.  One side effect I hadn't anticipated is that I find that I'm able to enjoy my free time more with my wife and baby due to less mental energy being expended worrying about how I should be working harder on the job, and the peace of mind that comes from knowing that I'm living my life with integrity.  

Sometimes something happens that reminds me of certain things, mistakes I've made over the years, personal slights.  Things happen that frustrate me about my coworkers or my family.  I notice myself acknowledging these negative thoughts for a minute, analyzing them in a detached fashion, then letting them fade away.  This is a very good indicator of spiritual growth.  I was watching 'Britney - For the record' a couple of weeks ago and Madonna said something pretty relevant about a person's ability to affect their reality - when you are young, it feels like things are happening to you, and you have no control over your environment.  Growing up is the process of realizing your ability to shape your life through your thoughts and actions.  And growing up is the process of prioritizing your life so that the important things are always your relationship with yourself, with God, your friends and family, your personal development - everything else in your life radiates from this core of positive energy.

What's the matter have you never seen a talking snowman before?

Thinking about the experience of driving on a fairly deserted stretch of road, N. on i43 to the UP, up through Milwaukee and Green Bay, WI - the area of the country my wife was raised in. Full of small town folk, farms, billboards, car dealerships, lots of bars, and of course the ever present Culvers. Concentrating on the road stretching out into the distance, narrowing to a small point on the horizon, as my wife and baby girl sleep in the back seat. I realize that this experience has been replaying in my dreams, half remembered and sublimated, for many months now. For the past couple of years I've focused on maintaining balance in my life, as a result my life has narrowed and slowed down as I focused on things that were previously out of whack in my personal life. This image of driving, of trying to maintain control while gradually increasing speed, seems especially relevant to my life right now.

Working from home today, taking care of N.. She is really fussy, refusing to sit down in her chair and watch tv, or lay down in the bed and sleep. I have to keep her in the baby bjorn with me, it's really awkward having to stand up an type this while she kicks and coos while strapped to my chest. I feel like working from home isn't really helping my productivity at work. Cold out, I'm still running, I feel like I'm going to slip and break my neck on all the ice on the sidewalks. Getting used to our new morning routine now that K. is back at work - I have to get up extra early so I can feed the baby while K. showers and packs everything for the day. I don't know how I'm going to work out in the morning now, I guess I'll adjust. Me and K. joined the Y so we're planning on working out a lot together on the weekends. Been slowing ramping up the hours at work - 5 extra hours last week, working on 10 extra this week. I think if I work around 50-60 hrs a week consistently I'll start seeing some changes in my career situation. If you genuinely work that hard at your career, good things are bound to happen.