I'm totally losing it

Dating is just too much for me right now, I should probably just take a break and work on my life/career/interests and just chill with the dating, especially the online dating. I've just been on edge the whole week about everything - my job, relations with my family, money, the women I've been dating. Also I've been talking again to my ex, just to say hi on a totally platonic basis since I still consider her a good friend even though she totally screwed me over, and now she's flirting again a little with me, telling me about how she is unsatisfied with this guy she's seeing now and how good it is to talk to me again - maybe that's what's got me so wound up but I tend to think it's even deeper than just that. My inner game is just messed up. I don't have my sh** together, spending all my free time trying to meet women on the internet or during Boot Camp, going on dates, calling women - these are just distractions from what I know I have to do.

I've dated about 4 women in the past month or so, about one a week - that's not bad for an rAFC. I can get numbers, I know that I am awesome on the phone, I know I can have great dates, I can kiss close, I've even gotten a little action, but *I can't get beyond the first or second date*. I'm guessing that this is because they eventually catch on using 'women's intuition' or something that I'm posing to a certain extent. I may be C+F and look cute, but something is off, I know they can sense that I have a lot of inner turmoil. Hell, I remember going out with this one girl - I thought I was being all smooth throughout the entire night, and she just looked at me and said 'you look so sad, like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders'. I wasn't fooling her. I'm just not in control and I don't have my life together right now. Women can sense that. And I'm living for the temporary validation of being involved with a beautiful woman - I'm not living for *myself*.

The first step was quitting drugs. I was so apathetic because I was just stoned all the time and all I wanted to do was play my guitar. I have a list of like 50 things I've been putting off. It's time I got to them - things like finish decorating my place, finish up a couple of outstanding projects at work, get my finances together. It will be easier to date once I have these things done. Hell I couldn't even take HB asian goth rocker back to my place last week because it was a frikkin mess and I was too ashamed of how much of a slob I am.

So to recap my 2006 so far:

-my LTR of 5 years broke up on new years, she had been frikkin cheating on me. Basically shattered my belief in love and relationships. I was a walking zombie at work - I would sit in my cube and just be miserable and stare at the screen, paralyzed with depression. Then I'd go home and I wouldn't know what to do with myself because I was so used to her being there and now she just wasn't, in fact she had betrayed me.

-so I basically spent the months of Jan-Feb in a deep deep depression.

-in March I started seeing HB french chick - turned out to be a total psycho attention *****. This one I royally screwed up by being an AFC - that's how I came here. But for a couple of weeks I had some awesome dates and I was happy again, that is until I totally screwed it up with some stupid AFC moves that caused her to lose all respect for me. What I learned from this one: don't be an AFC, no chick is worth your dignity, basically started to educate myself and reading a lot of DJ literature. Oh yeah, and if a chick is half naked writhing in bed talking about sex, even on the first date - then go for it. You only get one chance usually.

-a coffee date with someone who totally misrepresented herself, made absolutely no sense when she talked, was much uglier than her pictures. I basically flew out of there and never contacted her again. What I learned: not much, other than women misrepresent themselves online just like guys do.

-date with HB religious chick.
-date with HB asian goth rocker.
These two were ok, I wasn't that into either of them, the dates went fairly well though, or at least I thought they did. Convo went well, I even got kiss closes. It was still somewhat disappointing when they eventually started not returning my calls sometime after the first or second dates. I'm still not sure exactly why. I have theories: with the asian gothic rocker, she had just broken up with someone, she was whining about her ex cheating on her even on our date, she wrote me and said she just wasn't ready to date. I don't entirely believe her but whatever. I also think I might have kino'ed them both a little too hard. I was all over the asian goth rocker in the car, and she kept telling me 'no I don't know you well enough' and pushed me away as I kept kissing her. With the religious chick, I was really stupid and assumed from various things she said in conversation that she was a virgin, and when I basically let it slip that I thought she was a virgin in conversation - she seemed a little offended and said 'no I'm not a virgin'. I also kissed her at the end and she gave me this weird look, but then she told me to call her later. Who knows what happened with her. I met both these women online and I know both of them get a *ton* of messages as they're both pretty attractive, so I'm guessing that they're not too worried about it.

Today I asked out this girl I had been emailing with for the past few days and she basically told me that she'd like to, but is busy with a big project at work and let's just keep talking and maybe later we can go out when she is done. I took this as a flake/blow off, and I just lost it. I sent her this angry email - I was like 'whatever, don't contact me again then. you're probably ugly in person anyways'. Totally immature, no self control at all. I felt a lot of remorse after I sent that email and I deleted my online profile. I won't be dating online for a while. Then I decided maybe I shouldn't be dating at all right now - just work on myself for a while. Thing is, life is just more pleasant and exciting when there are pretty girls to think about.

So that's my plan. I'm not sure how long it'll take to get my sh** together - just from this list of things I've been putting off it looks like it will take me at least a few weeks. I was in the midst of a Boot camp, but looks like everyone's basically quit that anyways. I might continue the BC on my own though, or at least the part where I strike up friendly conversation with strangers. I actually found that part to be enjoyable, it actually brightened my day. And I will continue to read literature and listen to DJ audio books. When I am done with all the sh** I have to do, hopefully I will have a better time at dating. See you on the other side...
__________________

quote

Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.

-Honore de Balzac

another day in the life of my archetype

he is 5'11'' 160, and cut. he wakes up and takes the dog running. it is 30 degrees, it's 5 in the morning in October. he is wearing adidas sweatpants, new balance shoes, the red sweatshirt he got at usc, and a stocking cap. his dog is a chocolate lab, large, happy and healthy. he does all his cardio with the dog. he pops into the gym 3 times a week to do weights or attend a class. he eats healthy, but doesn't take anything more than whey supplements.

his girlfriend is sleeping when he gets in, he gets ready, she gets ready. she stays over at his place a lot. she has her own place in the city. they haven't talked about moving in together although he knows she wants to buy a place with him. they have been dating for almost a year. he has not taken her to meet his family yet.

he drives to work in the car he recently bought - a used bmw sedan. the car has an mp3 interface, you play podcasts and spanish language tapes on the way to work. at work, you work the entire time you are there. you work hard, are recognized as a hard worker and valuable contributor. you stay overtime frequently, but not excessively. you are satisfied with the balance between work and personal time in your life. not that you aren't constantly busy.

you have lunch with the web admins. you have several friends from work that you eat lunch with and are friendly with outside of work. you have met new friends from work, classes, the gym, meetups, family, church, lairs, clubs. you are always trying new ways to meet people. when you were single you were happy with your full social life, and having the ability to date a variety of attractive women. you never felt bored or lonely.

your girlfriend is the most wonderful woman you have ever met. she demonstrates unconditional and total love to you. she is brilliant, has a high paying corporate job, and is also gorgeous - 5'6" athletic and busty, light brown hair, tan skin, beautiful lips and eyes, great dresser. you don't want to be with anyone else and love her, but you are also aware that you don't need her, that you can be alone and be very happy, that many other women like you. you are first and foremost a man who is confident and secure in yourself. your relationships just flow like water. you recognize them as the variety and spice of life, but your primary preoccupation in life is your career, your future, your fortune, your education. these come before anybody else's needs.

your house is fully furnished and decorated the way you always pictured it. you have a parking lot in the building, and hundreds of thousands in the bank. every day you exercise, eat right, work hard at work, come home and do something enriching for your mind, spend time with your many friends or your significant other when you have the time. you like to read, work on your software projects, work on your websites and your music, practice guitar, record yourself, work out, write about philosophy and psychology, and party.

you are un self conscious. even around your family you are happy and content, you feel like you have direction and are going somewhere in life. you have no dependencies. you have made peace with your past. you feel lucky, in touch with god. you research vacations that you are planning to take this year to a foreign country, you use software to keep track of your investments and your cash flow. you make it a game with yourself to see how quickly you can double your money. you are always reading about real estate and finance. you have creative a very impressive cocoa application, and are recognized for being a brilliant programmer. you like where you work, you like the people there, but you also know that you could leave at any moment and find a much better job. t

o work you wear banana republic slacks, driving loafers, a nice button down shirt. you wear a casual jacket, suede or leather. your hair is stylish and dark. your teeth are immaculately white. when you talk to people at work, you speak with the authority of someone who is intelligent and really knows the subject matter. when you speak to people on a friendly basis you are decent, good natured, polite, well informed about politics, sports, business and world events, art and music. you love to speak spanish with new people. you are the king of your castle. work is a fulfilling intellectual challenge that you can handle. your social life and free time are productive, busy, happy, fun, exciting. you are living the life you always wanted, on your terms. and you feel like nothing can stop you, like there are nothing but good things in store for you in the future.

unordered list of things to do

ideas about everything i want to do as of right now regarding the above priorities, enough for the next couple of years - not sorted or prioritized:
teeth whitener
go to dentist
get contacts, new glasses
keep working out, watching your diet
rogaine - i am not bald, but i want to keep the hair i have
keep going to therapy
buy new clothes,more formal clothes
practice guitar/study music at least 20-30 hrs a week
record 5 songs this year
be well read: always be reading a tech book and a non tech (preferably non fiction book). you have the option of reading or using audio books.
always be reading the newspaper, listening to the news or watching the news on tv. be well versed in sports.
magazines: espn, guitar world, esquirec
all a. / finish it
go to work on time, do well at work
always be working on a tech side project, cocoa programming
get a credit card
set up thrash metal rig
get checkup
look into st. john's wort
redo online profiles, take new pictures
look into side business - possible side businesses: ebay business, freelance programming, side business is just to generate cash to quickly have money to invest.
fix home network, start your own website, organize file storage for all your disks, set up ftp server - this can be developed
go to church every week
check mail
clean apartment
throw away anything that is garbage, organize everything totally and finish furnishing your apt.
buy a parking spot
paint the apt.
track lighting
wood floors
redo kitchen counters
start travelling the world - really start budgeting for this and saving. do not waste any of your vacation days unless you will be travelling. - develop this
new cell phone
new digital camera
new ipod
tattoo
look for more meetup groups
classes at the gym
get a real estate license
come up with career plan
list of 50 essential classics, read them
become a film buff - collect classic movies, start with 50 classic movies
start collecting all pfork list mp3s, essential metal, some classical and jazz
get a new car - develop this
change passwords across all sites, get all passwords together in a gpg file
cataloging of all the books i've ever read
cataloging of all my albums and movies
learn languages - spanish
once you have hardwood floors - GET A DOG - this can be developed
redmilitante.com
get finances together - develop, probably your number one priority at the time of this writing
organize mail
read personal finance book
get isight, become a photography buff, constantly be taking pictures
get resume together for side business
hang out at bookstores and coffee shops all the time
go to bars alone even for a half hour
write philosophical works
favorite nonfiction reading material: psychology, tech, economics, politics
learn how to cook
fix the wall

cutting it off with a friend

i have a friend right now i'm probably avoiding from now on. he's hard to avoid because i work with him and he's always asking me to have lunch with him and this other guy. it's starting to piss him off a little because i've been saying no to lunch for the past week, and haven't returned any calls.

i'm still wondering if these are valid reasons for dumping a guy as a friend:

1. he is a 6'2'' 130 lb ultra skinny guy, and yet he is always talking the craziest shit like he is some kind of hardass. just because he has taken martial arts lessons in the past. we went to this one restaurant and he says really loudly with a lot of people listening 'you know sometimes you look around at all the people in the room and you just know you could kick their ass'. i mean, wtf kind of psycho just randomly says this like that?

2. he is even scarier when he is drunk. the last time we had a few drinks he turns to me and says 'i'd really like to get into a fight right now, like i'd pay you 50 bucks if you'd fight me'. again, this guys a little nuts. it's also kind of comical because he looks like a toothpick.

3. when he is dating someone, i always say stuff like 'hope your date goes well' and 'i'm glad you guys got along'. but when i try to talk to him about girls i am dating, he does his best to say something shitty about my current date:

examples:
-he found out i was dating this one girl who was really religious. he kept saying stuff like 'well i bet she is a virgin' and calling her stuff like 'the nun'. by the time i got close with this girl i had become convinced she was a virgin. and i asked her 'how's it like being a virgin?' during one of our conversations, and she gave me a weird look like - i'm not a virgin, why the fuck do you assume that i am.

-we were at a bar and this one girl kept calling me and asking me to hang out. he kept saying shit like 'you're not going over to that ugly bitches place right'. just being all negative.

-i told him i was dating this french girl and his first remark was 'aah. i always wanted to learn french'. why did he say that? fucking jackass, i'm learning the french not you.

anyways, this is another friend who is gone.

11 conversations with strangers

1. Girl who works with me, whom I never see or speak to, standing next to a bunch of empty boxes. Brief 2 min. convo about why she needs the boxes, turns out she's moving, and needs the boxes for packing stuff. She's also married, I found out.

2. Homeless lady on the street asking for change. I talked to her briefly about how she is doing, and how she's looking for a job.


3. Short 1-2 convo with a guy in line at the cafeteria in the building where I work. I saw he was putting cream in his tea and I made some comments about how most people don't do that. Basic chit chat.

4. Guard at the front door to the building where I work. I asked her questions about when the building will be open over the weekend and what I need to do to get in the building.

5. I stopped a lady walking on the street and asked her how do i get to such and such building on such and such street. Stretched the convo out by playing *really* dumb about street names.

6. Big breasted lady in the elevator of my apartment building. I made small talk with her about the lousy weather we've been having in Chicago. This one was close to being a HB/MILF.

7. Brief convo with a guy in the elevator of my building about what to wear outside and - yet again - the crappy weather we've been having recently.

8. Brief convo with a barista at my neighborhood coffee shop about the relative merits of the light and dark roasts. He even stopped by later on and gave me some free baked goods that they were going to throw out at the end of the night, still good.

9. Brief convo - again in the elevator of the building where I live. This time with an older lady - 40ish, cute for an older lady I guess, probably married with kids though - about restaurants. She was carrying this doggy bag from a restaurant downtown I had been meaning to try, and I asked her if she enjoyed her meal there. I'm really good in the elevator situation. There are some hot girls in my building, one of these days I'm gonna game em.
10. Lady in the elevator of my building - another discussion about the weather. She mentioned that she was sailing on the lake the other day. She seemed shocked initially that I started talking to her.

11. Guy in the laundry room of my building. I asked him questions about the new 'card system' that they recently replaced the coin changer with.

Some comments: I can't believe this seemed so intimidating at the start of the week. I would have finished easily I think, today, and I didn't even go out this weekend or deviate in any way from my regular routine (i.e., making trips to the mall or something just to talk to people). I'd still really like to develop a healthy social group whom I could party with in the bars and clubs on a regular basis, though.

I'm still a little skeptical re: whether or not the BC will actually produce HB's in my life. I do feel more confident, though. I'm beginning to realize that it's a lot easier to meet people than I originally thought - however, meeting people and being able to sustain a friendship/relationship with them without them pissing you off or vice versa is an entirely different story.

My approaches have been lame so far. I've only approached a couple of women that were even close to HB status.

On a personal note: I am quitting smoking weed today. At least for a long time - several years. I've been a daily smoker for a long time and it's time I clear my head a little and focus on getting my life together. I hope I don't have any withdrawls.

old online profile - i have to rewrite this, it seems to piss women off

Interests
Money Power Respect
About Me
I am a bad boy and an adventurer. I live for danger. I enjoy pushing myself in the pursuit of excellence in all my endeavors. I am prone to exploratory excitability, impulsiveness, and disorderliness. I am a novelty seeker, my motto is live fast die pretty. I enjoy forming deep connections with interesting people who will teach me new things about myself.

I believe that I'm destined for great things. I am goal oriented and ambitious. I own my own home, am a member of Mensa, have a master's degree, a good job, play several instruments, am an avid reader, and I also know many obscure and interesting facts about pop culture.

I am a rebel without a cause, a cool dude in a motorcycle jacket, a real life Huckleberry Finn, a wounded, moody, dreamer. A seducer, a daredevil. A man of mystery and a fascinating paradox. I'm both a lost little boy and a man with a dark side. I can break your heart with my wicked ways, and also make you long to rescue me from my pain. I may be hurtfully cruel, sometimes careless or self absorbed, you still can't resist the urge to give me your heart - at which point i will be gone with the wind.

If you have major baggage, are sexually repressed or have issues with men please don't contact me. Unless you happen to be Jennifer, in which case you owe me 500 dollars.

First Date
Video games or bowling. Maybe a root beer float at A&W.

Parking in the forest preserve and listening to Led Zeppelin in the backseat while we make out and drink beers. Sneaking you home way past your cufew.

A lot of kissing and some dramatic talk about how nobody understands us, and how someday we'll leave this town and never look back again.

i am tired of the following bullshit in my life

-i'm tired of not knowing what's in my bank account at any given time
-i'm tired of not having money saved up for investments like spec housing that we talked about last week
-i'm tired of feeling childish because of my inability to manage this area of my life
-i'm tired of feeling like i'm putting off investing in my future because i don't take care of managing my taxes of 401k
-i'm tired of feeling like i'm living day by day or week to week, even though i make a lot of money, just because i'm too lazy or irresponsible to manage my money propertly
-i'm tired of feeling inadequate because i don't have as much money saved up, despite the fact that i make plenty of money
-i'm tired of not having money for vacations or a new car
-i'm tired of worrying about bills i've been putting off
-i'm tired of worrying about my future and never doing anything about it
-i'm tired of always having at least 1 or 2 things that i've been putting off
-i'm tired of having to make apologies for my career, my education, my family life, my relationship with my parents in the past, my relationship with my brothers and cousins now, my relationships with old friends and girlfriends, my interests, my personality
-i'm tired of feeling inadequate in the eyes of my family and myself because of mistakes i've done in the past which i've since made up for
-i'm tired of feeling ashamed for things that happened to me as a child
-i'm tired of feeling like i'm ugly
-i'm tired of this limiting self image of myself as a stoic nice guy
-i'm tired of this limiting self image of myself as quiet or shy
-i'm tired of meeting a girl that i really like and being so nervous around her that i sabotage myself
-i'm tired of always being single at family gatherings
-i'm tired of women treating me badly
-i'm tired of having to prove myself to women
-i'm tired of feeling like i'm not performing well on the job
-i'm tired of feeling like i can't handle competition from my coworkers
-i'm tired of feeling like i'm a pretender
-i'm tired of feeling like i don't deserve to be there
-i'm tired of feeling like i am not loved as much as my brothers
-i'm tired of feeling dependent on the approval of my parents or women or others
-i'm tired of not liking myself, i'm tired of not supporting myself, i'm tired of sabotaging myself subconsciously
-i'm tired of not being at peace with my past
-i'm tired of feeling like i'm just a dabbler in my hobbies
-i'm tired of feeling like i don't feel any passion for anything
-i'm tired of feeling like people aren't trustworthy and are essentially bad
-i'm tired of feeling like i can't handle being a social creature in the world dealing with many different situations
-i'm tired of feeling like everyone is better and more attractive than me
-i'm tired of letting time pass me by without doing anything about any of this

A day in the life of my archetype

-get up 5:30 or 6am
-washes face, shaves. puts on gym clothes - expensive sweat pants and shoes, vintage t shirt - walks to the gym. works out for an hour, running at more than 6 mph for 30 mins, lifting heavy.
-walk home, shower, change for work - casual dress shoes, suede, br dress pants and casual dress shirt.
-drive to work in bmer, listen to spanish language tapes - you are becoming a competent speaker.
-at work you do not waste time, do a good job, are satisfied with your own performance. you are impressing your bosses and coworkers, and get along well with everybody.
-you go out to lunch with friends from work.
-you have a flirtation with an attractive girl from work.
-during the day you im with a couple of girls you are dating casually. you arrange a date later on that night with one of them. the girl is a 9. you are fully in control of the relationship and she is completely open to you sexually.
-during the day you check on your checking account balance, bills situation, investments situation. your education is handled, your career path is clear to you, you have no outstanding issues in your life, you are extremely productive. in 5 years you will be worth at least 100,000 in savings and investments. you will have an exciting job with leadership responsibilities, making a six figure salary, with a famous company. you will live in a better location, but will own multiple properties. you will be in great shape, be even more well read and informed about the world, adept at socializing and personal relationships, experienced. you will have a clear plan for the next 10 years of your life, which you revise constantly.
-you follow news podcasts and webcasts throughout the day.
-after work, you drive home and either practice guitar for 2-3 hours, read a nonfiction book, read or watch the news, clean your apartment, write, or work on your extracurricular software project (cocoa multimedia audio application for mac and accompanying website). you average 30 hours guitar practice per week, and a book per week.
-you change into designer club clothes and put on cologne for your date with the 9. your hair is stylishly long, but you never go so long between haircuts that it looks weird. your teeth are very white.
-you pick up the girl and go to a bar. you have a jack and coke. you are completely confident and relaxed. there is sexual chemistry at work.
-after the bar you take her back to your place. you have bought a garage spot. the inside of your place is completely redone - track lighting, wood floors, new paint job, some expensive furniture. sex.
-you wake up the next day, go out to breakfast, then go to work. you will see her again, and you will see other women too that you will enjoy being with more. you do not worry about women because they are constantly coming in and out of your life.
-life in general is busy, satisfying, challenging but not out of your reach. you are attractive, confident, capable, vital. you live in the moment. there is a feeling of abundance in your life. you have balance in your life, you feel that you are on a path of progress in all areas of your life.

Visualizing My Ideal Self

The discrepency between who I am right now and the type of idealized image I have of myself where I am living my life at the top of my game, is not as great as whatever fear or mental block that has been plaguing me for the past year or so that is keeping me from taking charge of my life once and for all. I have made some progress in some areas - starting therapy was a good decision, already it has helped me to deal with some issues.

It's just been a really difficult year and a half - I have learned some painful lessons, and I am overall in a better place than I used to be, but I have to really check myself as I feel this is a really important time in my life, and many things that I enact now could affect what happens to me in the future. It is time to take charge of your life and do everything you've ever wanted to do for yourself. Time is running out, and one day you will not have enough time left to do these things.

They say the law of attraction specifies that you attract to yourself those experiences that match your beliefs. In the laws of quantum physics, the observer affects that which is observed. You create your own experience of reality from your underlying beliefs. As Carl Jung said, "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

Therefore, learn to meditate and to focus your mind daily on bridging this gap between your current and idealized self. Become intimately familiar with the details of your idea life, so much so that you unconsciously reach for them in your life - until the real and the imagined are one and the same. This takes persistence and focus, daily meditation, it doesn't have to be traditional meditation, you can do this visualization while exercising. And once you have the vision - act! Realize that the greatest resources you have at your disposal are your abilitiy to manage your time, attention and intellect - and that the faster you are able to live your life so that every possible minute is spent in pursuit of some objective that will contribute to your sense of well being and confidence, and further advance you on your path towards self actualization. Make it a game with yourself to try to get more work done in less time, try to remember the most productive time in your life and assume that state in the present.

Who is this person that you want to become?
He is me but, instead of having problems in all aspects of his life, he is transcendent in every area of his life - and well on the road towards self actualization. He has a high level of self esteem and is confident in an unassuming way that is slightly mysterious. He does not have the sense of regret, self doubt, and anxiety that I now have. He is happy, loves others and is loved. He is lighthearted, values knowledge, intellectualism and creativity. His life is multi dimensional. He is never bored or lonely. He moves through his life with an open heart, courage, and a deep sense of purpose.

If you had a perfect life, with no limitations, what would it look like?
For the purposes of this exercise, I won't go into what my ideal life would be 5 or 10 years from now - but rather what my ideal life would be right now at roughly this point in time.

I'd be working at UC, excelling at my job, elevating it to an art form, and possibly taking grad school classes. I'd have called A. and already have that thing straightened out. I will probably not even think of looking for another job for the next year or so, this job is fine - just make it your own. If I left, it would have to be for an exceptional growth opportunity with leadership potential with a company that I personally admired.

I'd have an active social life for my temperment, one in which I associated with high quality people - intellectuals, artists, computer geeks, musicians, writers, exciting people who embrace life and know how to party, masculine guy friends who have an interest in sports that he hangs out with frequently with whom he shares a mutual respect, beautiful and genuine female friends and acquaintances. My ideal self would socialize as often as he wanted to. It would be a fun and satisfying diversion from his real purpose in life - which is self actualization. He would enjoy his experiences dating various women, these experiences will be positive and reinforce his self esteem. If he met someone he truly connected with - he would carry out an exclusive relationship with this person with dignity and a healthy set of personal boundaries.
My ideal self would have an easy and natural way of turning casual acquaintances into close friends. He would be well liked by relatives, old friends, and co workers, and admired for his integrity and personal excellence.

My ideal self will naturally engage in the practice of visualization on a regular basis during exercise. He will attend church on a regular basis. He will constantly journal as he does now in order to stay in tune his beliefs, and to review lessons that he encounters while attempting to improve his life.

My ideal self will be in shape , handsome, and stylish. He will appear to the opposite sex as extremely sexual and attractive. He will be un-self conscious about his appearance. He will live in a correspondingly tasteful and sophisticated place in the city, and drive a masculine yet sleek car. He will have an impressive amount of personal assets in the bank, and in the form of real estate and personal investments. He will have good credit. He will be highly aware of his cash flow situation, constantly adding to his investment knowledge, and adding to his plan for eventually becoming a millionaire.

My ideal self will have several properties throughout the world, and be well travelled. My ideal self will be highly proficient in at least one other language, probably spanish. My ideal self will be well versed in politics, current events, music, technology, economics, investing, art and literature. My ideal self will constantly be reading something. My ideal self will be an excellent guitar player. He will practice quite often, as for him it will be a spiritual release and important outlet for personal expression. He will have many excellent recorded examples of his musicianship and songwriting. He is comfortable playing with others because he is a highly competent player.

Most of all my ideal self will like and support himself. And he will be a good person.

*try to do this ideal life exercise every year or so, but feel free to edit this entry whenever you think of something to add

reference:Steps to Manifest Your Ideal Life
reference:Ideal Life

A Tale of Two Blogs

So it's working out that this blog is for all of my dating adventures and observations from my research on social dynamics. It's therefore a blog about my social life, whatever that may be, and my attempts to improve my inner game or self image. My other blog should be my blog to show off my other interests. That blog should be the one I show people.

HB8 at family gathering

this is a girl that i've known for a number of years. she is the sister of a friend of my female cousin. when my cousin got married, i was 'paired up' with her in the wedding party, and my cousins were giving me shit about how i should try to get with her. at the time, however, i was with my ex, so i didn't do anything about it and she probably wrote me off as afc/uninterested/whatever. if i was a dj at the time, i probably could have hooked up.

a couple of years pass. we see each other occasionally at family gatherings thrown by my cousin and her in laws. nothing really changes with our relationship - we don't talk much but are not unfriendly, people keep telling me that i need to try to strike something up with her.

HB8 - asian, pretty cute, short hair (only thing physically i really don't like), seems to not have much of a sense of humor or a very exciting personality. but then again i don't really know her that well.

we had a family gathering on saturday - baby shower for my cousin who just gave birth last week. i'm supposed to be the kid's godfather. this girl was at the party with her parents. she spends most of the party sitting at a table with her mom and dad, i don't approach her while she's with her parents. i try to stand around her as much as possible and try to say stuff to her to catch her attention at times:

-hey, do you have a pen i can borrow?
-what is this dish? is it good?
-(my cousin's husband) got cigars for everyone, we're going outside to smoke them - you guys want to come along?

finally i catch her alone at the buffet table.
me: hey i just wanted to say hi
her: (semi surprised look that i'm even talking to her, probably used to me being too scared to talk to her.) hi
me: you're HB8 right? i'm poohead, we were partners at XXX's wedding. how you been?
her: ok

...short convo that lasts about 5 minutes. we talk about how she has switched jobs, about the new job i got last year, i ask her if she's going to the hospital later to see the new baby, she isn't, i forget the rest - just small talk basically)...

her: (turns to go back to her parent's table) well...
me: (turning back) nice talking to you.

that was it. i didn't get the digits, i didn't even get email. i said 'hi' to her once the rest of the party - was there for maybe an hour and a half more. got a pat on the back from my cousins for talking to her, maybe they will put in a good word. they constantly tell me that this girl is single and that i should try to make a move, so i think they have already put in a good word.

the reason i didn't go for the email addy/digits is because that convo was too short, it just felt like it would be weird asking for it, especially with our parents/friends/cousins there watching us. we will see each other again in a couple of weeks anyways, at which point i plan to talk to her again and probably try to get the digits. not entirely successful sarging attempt, but i think i put in a good effort. i'm only semi into her anyway, and i'll get another chance fairly soon. i was also making c+f jokes with her sister at the party, and i think she probably thinks better of me that i tried to talk to her at least.

Hanging out with Online Girl #2 aka Religious Chick

well...

so she didn't flake. i met her for dinner at a restaurant near where she works.

we had a good time, we stayed and talked for a few hours after we finished eating. we closed the place down, by the time we left they were getting ready to close the place.

how did she look?
-well, i said she could either be an HB7 8 or 9 depending on her face. she is a 7 with a 9 body (she is a former swimmer and her body is niiiice). that's good enough for me, but obviously it would have been better if she was a 9.

as for her personality: her personality is really unusual. she's really religious and conservative. she is either very serious or extremely nervous, awkward and goofy. she is really naive and almost sheltered - but i also gathered that, like a lot of online girls, she has dated many many guys and is pretty picky. she has weird body language and gives you weird looks for no reason. she is very sweet though, and seems to be a very kind, sincere person. i don't get the sense that she is big into game playing, although she was definitely asking me qualifying questions throughout the night - stuff about my dating history, my family and my job.

a couple of things which may be a problem later on: she lives at home with her parents, she drinks only once in a blue moon - she told me the last time she went out to the bars she didn't drink at all, this was more than a month ago, she isn't very sophisticated or cultured, she's a little naive. i get the sense that there is a lot to her that is beneath the surface, whether this is good or bad i don't know.

stuff we talked about: families, stuff she's studying in school, teaching, autistic kids, our dating histories, psychology, computers, travelling, literature, movies, restaurants. one thing she said - she broke up with her ex because he didn't want to get married, he wanted to 'have his cake and eat it too', what does that mean - he wants to have sex but not get married? or he wants to keep dating but not commit? i'm not sure what she meant by that and i didn't ask her to clarify.

probably my biggest blunder of the evening: she mentioned she 'broke up with her ex boyfriend because he wanted to have his cake and eat it too'. i took this to mean he wanted to have sex but not get married. later on we were talking about artificial insemination. she mentioned that if she doesn't find someone she will freeze her eggs and have them artificially imseminated - i said 'you'll be like the virgin mary'. she gave me a weird/bad(?) look like she didn't know what i was talking about. i say 'well you know you mentioned you were a virgin, or i assumed you were a virgin because of what you said about your ex'. she says 'i'm not a virgin'. then i quickly change the subject.

second biggest blunder of the evening: i gave her the 'cube' test. she seemed a little bored with it, or like it came off too much like a 'routine'. i quickly changed the subject.

best thing i did all evening: gave her **** about playing with her food. i came off as really intelligent to her also.

i tried to get her to go to a club with me afterwards, but she said 'some other time it's getting late i have work'. i was like, that's cool whatever.

sat across a table from her all night, i couldn't do any kino hardly. at the end of the night when we parted ways i started chewing some gum because i decided to go for a kiss. i lean over give her a kiss on the cheek and tell her 'call me sometime' she says 'you call me too'. then we part ways.

i'm not sure if the kiss on the cheek was a good idea - she gave me a weird look afterwards, but then again i noticed she was giving weird looks throughout the night, she's really hard to read. when i kissed her she did say 'wow nice breath'.

i'm not like, bowled over or anything, but she is nice and cute and i definitely wouldn't mind dating her and/or having sex with her repeatedly. i'm not sure what my next move will be, probably call her in a few days.

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if i didn't believe this before, one thing i am absolutely certain of now --

YOU CANNOT HIDE YOUR INNER GAME.

you know how, great guitar players can sense someone is a great guitar player after hearing him play just a few notes? the same way they can sense an amateur guitar player after just a few notes?

women can tell a real man - someone who is on his path, who is confident, in control of his emotions, has a clear sense of ethics and personal boundaries, etc. - by just talking to you. i know this because, tonight i felt like i was doing really well at being upbeat and a lively conversationalist, i also tried to slip in as much humor as i could.

and, despite this, she looked at me a couple of times tonight and said things like:

'you look sad, like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders'

you can't hide your inner game. i hope i had enough game tonight to carry me through, i think it went well but who knows. we shall see...

Update On the Story of Online Girl #2

I would swear off online chicks after my last online debacle with HBFrenchBiatch last month - except Online Chick #2 is just way too cute. We've been emailing for about a week, we talked on the phone for the first time last night, and are supposed to have a coffee date tomorrow.

so ...

Last night i was gonna call her at 10 like she said to, but she wound up calling me first instead.

She actually seemed really nervous and tongue tied around me - that's the first time I've never noticed something like that.

We talked about an hour, we agreed to talk tomorrow at 9 about meeting on Thursday - we still haven't decided on what we are going to do yet.

I have serious doubts that she is for long term. So far the conversation hasn't been very exciting, she is a really sweet though, and I can tell she could be cool if she loosens up a little. She seems really sincere, and so far, free of games.

I have one blurry pic of what could possibly be an incredibly hot girl or ... not. Like either an HB5 or an HB9. Sexy voice, too.

She seems really naive - religious upbringing, lives at home with parents but has lived on her own before, doesn't drink alcohol very often. The next couple of days should be interesting. I'm really hoping she's as hot as I think in person.

The Last of the Attention Whore

I told off and hung up on an HB9. this happened last night. I'm certain I did the right thing, in fact I should have done it sooner. I probably did not do it the right way though, that would ensure the possibility of sex later, as a true DJ would.

My inner game needs a lot of work, but I noticed a positive development in the past couple of weeks that at least i'm not taking any s*** from women. I need to integrate this into my personality so that it becomes a solid sense of personal boundaries and confidence. Right now i'm just lashing out whenever i feel like i'm being disrespected.

This was the main girl that I liked, too. I have been messaging with another girl from an online dating site recently, but that's about it as far as me 'spinning plates'. I start boot camp next week. Hopefully that will all change.

She is smart and attractive, but she is your typical AW. Extremely full of herself to compensate for her f*ckd up life and her insecurities. This was the girl who originally brought me to this board back in my AFC days (all of two weeks ago ). The full story can be read here

http://xxxxxxx

The short version of the story is: I was dating this chick, I was doing surprisingly well, got some kissing and probably could have tried for sex, but then -- things god f*ckd up, I made some really (really) bad AFC moves that should have gotten me NEXT'd. But somehow, I managed to avoid the total diss and we were still calling and talking to each other on the phone over the past couple of weeks.

She had changed after my display of AFC'ness. Now, whenever we talk I feel like she is throwing me sh*t test after sh*t test, I feel like she is trying really hard to disqualify me and I have to really think on my feet. To be honest I don't even like talking to her any more because of all the sh*t tests, it's just extremely annoying to me now and is quickly killing off any sense of attraction I had for this girl. I wish I hadn't displayed AFC'ness, I'd have it a lot easier now with her, but anyways f*ck it.

The conversation went like this:

-funny, relaxed casual convo, but then I happen to say something that triggers an immediate negative reaction in this biatch: i told her that i think women like sex just as much as men do, that society has conditioned them that to acknowledge their sexuality is shameful, and that is why they pretend like they don't like sex as much as men do.

-she flies off the handle, and tries to prove me wrong, argues this crap to death until i tell her that i don't even want to talk about it. of course i'm absolutely convinced i'm right and that she is brainwashed like most people, into believing the opposite is true.

-she then decides to pick on another issue: i had told her my iq (it's genius level, supposedly) when we started talking. this girl is such a nut/control freak that, after that, she has tried to make it a point to prove to me that she is smarter than me.

-she says: are you sure you are in mensa? i'm smarter than you in everything.
-me: that's because you monopolize the conversation and only talk about what you know.
-her: name something, impress me. because right now i'm not feeling any attraction to you. say something.
-me: what do you want me to say.
-her: say something to prove to me how smart you are, because you sure don't act like you're smart, i told you i'm smarter than you in everything.
-me: (getting pissed) ok - can you read music?
-her: yes
-me: what is the natural minor of d major?
-her: i don't know.
-me: well that's at least one subject that i am smarter than you in.
-her: (flying off the handle) that's it? you need to do a better job than that at impressing me.
-me: i have nothing to prove to you.
-her: you do if you want me to be attracted to you.
-me: (angry now) well if it involves me jumping through hoops or speaking some pretentious bullsh*t just to impress you, then no thanks. i don't care if you're attracted to me.
-her: (yelling some sh*t, i don't even hear it because i'm yelling some sh*t at her now.)
-me: also, are you saying you're smarter than me or that i'm stupid? that's pretty insulting. what is your deal? i am just trying to have a nice conversation and you are insulting me? you have a lot of problems ....... that's just rude. i should just hang up on you.
-her: (quiet on the other end now.)
-me: (i hang up).

And that's it. At this point, I really don't like this person. I can't take her sh*t tests, or her attitude. I don't need a person like that in my life. I'm not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, the reason our relationship is so lop-sided now to begin with was my being an AFC before realizing it too late. I would still do her, but I have serious doubts we could get along well enough to sustain any type of relationship, given how we argue all the time.

Anyways, looking forward to boot camp. From now on I'm only going to date hot women who aren't insane.

quote

i believe that its our job to make the intro.. give them a lil taste make a lil effort THEN sit back and let them chase u.. if they dont chase u then they aint worth it since u put the effort in they should too

-sexy_kuta