The most inspirational song ever

I am not like a huge PJ fan, but I just find this song really inspirational.

By the pain I see in others

We debated for a while about whether it was alright to tell my parents about our engagement with my dad sick in the hospital and everything being so crazy. In the end we chose to tell them and it was the right decision. I think it made everybody happy, and gave everyone something nice to focus on for a change. The first thing my dad said was 'I want grandkids', and he made us promise that we name his first grandson 'Jerome'. My mom was delighted as well, clearly she loves weddings, especially those of her sons.

We went out to eat at Elephant and Castle the night we told my parents, I kept holding K.'s hand to look at her ring. My brothers are my best men. They've been talking about taking me to Thailand for my bachelor party, which is cool as hell, except I'm not too crazy about Thai women. I mean they're ok but Vegas sounds better.

Right now K. and her mom are obsessing over where to hold the reception, where the ceremony's gonna be, what the date will be. Of course I'm shutting down like a turtle in his shell, I don't want to think about anything right now - wedding plans, Christmas shopping, New Years Eve, my financial situation, my car's electrical system breaking down - I don't want to deal with any of that until we find out what's going on with my dad. He is in really bad shape. L. calls me from the hospital daily with reports of his pacemaker going off in the middle of the night. They have to fix him asap. I worry about him constantly, but I choose to spend my days at work instead of taking 2 weeks of vacation to spend at the hospital with him like my brothers did - I feel guilty but this is better for me, I can focus on something else for 8 hours a day so I don't go crazy thinking about it.

The good news is he's passed all his tests necessary to get a transplant except teeth and eyes, which seem like formalities. And he is type AB, so he is a 'universal recipient'. The bad news is his heart is really weak and he needs a new heart asap. It's been kind of a crazy time, I'm extremely happy with K., but there's this thing with my dad that is always at the back of my mind.

I've been playing K. a lot of Christmas songs on guitar. Her favorites are 'O Holy Night' and 'All I Want for Christmas Is You' - she also makes me do this Rascal Flatts Christmas song. Work is going really well - they're moving me to a better office which is cool I guess. I've really been throwing myself into it, which I should've been doing all along.

Tonight I'm going to the hospital to give my mom her birthday gift. It looks like my dad will be spending the holidays at the hospital. I may have to cancel or cut short my trip to Michigan to visit K.'s folks. I still have a few presents to buy too.

Xmas Rhapsody

http://gretachristina.typepad.com/greta_christinas_weblog/2006/12/a_very_special_.html

Really goofy xmas song I found.

Is this the Yuletide?
It's such a mystery
Will I be denied
Or will there be gifts for me?

Come down the stairs
Look under the tree and see...

Repeating yesterday

My dad's back in the hospital again, he has excessive fluid in his lungs due to an enlarged heart, the same stuff. I guess they have to adjust the blood thinner medications that he's on so that he can be comfortable at home. They are not strong enough and he winds up staying up all night coughing. When I stopped by the house last Thursday, he looked like he hadn't slept in a week. They are able to put him on much stronger medication at the hospital - but they have to do it intravenously. I really hope they finish giving him all the tests he needs to qualify for a heart transplant.

It's weird how calm my family is, it's like they're used to all of this now. They are probably like me though - privately my dad being in the hospital is in the back of my mind all the time, I always feel this turbulence underlying everything I do.

JCB called, he agreed to go with us to Duffy's for New Years Eve. I asked J. and P. but they're unsure if they're going at this point. We're supposed to be going with C. and B., each of whom are bringing a bunch of girls - which should be exciting for JCB and J. We went out to Louie's with C. on Saturday - that girl's a trip - we had a good time drinking and watching drunk people sing karaoke. I did a really bad rendition of Dangerzone by Kenny Loggins. On Sunday we drove out to Carol Stream so K. could try on a bridesmaid dress and visit with her college friend who is getting married in the summer. I had to hang out at the bar with the college friend's fiance. I shouldn't have gone, I should've stayed home and did some work or went to visit my dad in the hospital.

Still waiting for the ring to arrive, I'm hoping it will be nice so we can tell our parents. My parents seem to really like K. - maybe the news will make them happy. I also keep thinking about the looks in the fiance's face when his bride-to-be kept talking about her wedding - it was like 'the thousand yard stare' that vets used to talk about. :P

I'm Engaged

I ordered a diamond engagement ring for K. last night. When it arrives in a few days I will get down on one knee and ask her to marry me, although we are pretty much already engaged since she was the one who picked out the ring online. It's just like me to order something like this off of eBay. They really do have some nice vintage rings from reputable sellers. We plan to announce our engagement to our parents over the holidays. K. wants to start planning for a wedding next year. I told her I want it to be sometime in February, like my parents.

Despite the big news on the girlfriend front, other areas of my life are still really unsettled. I need to really take some strong action, I can't live like this. The most difficult thing is that a lot of my problems seems out of my control. I can't help that my dad almost died last month and is in need of a heart transplant, or the fact that we had to stay with him in the emergency room while he had a series of operations.

Last night I went over to my parent's house and move some furniture from their old office. Dad's looking really tired nowadays - he's not sleeping a lot due to his nose bleeding so much from all the blood thinners and making him sneeze at night. He's got bandages on his nose to stop the bleeding that look rather alarming. My mom has become pretty fatalistic - every time I stop by the house she mentions how I will have to take care of Seymour when my dad is gone. He's not fucking gone yet. J. and I sat around and messed around with his new studio gear. I watched the season 3 finale of Lost with my mom and dad. Everything is water under the bridge at this point between us, I just sort of want to enjoy whatever time we have left with each other on this planet, and I want my dad to know how much I love him. The old resentments and insecurities regarding my relationship with my parents seems so unimportant now. I just want my dad to get better.

K. nagged at me the other day because it seemed like all I wanted to do was play guitar and not think about anything. We had agreed to sit down and go through Dave Ramsey's budgeting worksheets, but I didn't want to do anything on Saturday by lay around the house and eat and watch movies. God I'm getting fat. It's cold out so it's harder for me to get to the gym again too. I had to explain to K. how I'm just so overwhelmed: the engagement, moving in together only a week ago, my dad getting sick, missing work due to having to take care of my dad, feeling behind at work, frustrations with my job in general, family obligations, the impending holiday season, financial responsibilities compounded by the holidays and the engagement ring, gaining weight, just everything.

We stayed up pretty late last night, K. heped me sort out at least a couple of those issues, she's such an incredible person, I'm really lucky. What's great about finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is that it grealy simplifies things - all you have to worry about is taking care of that person, nothing else really matters. Negative people, career troubles, self doubt, money issues, politics. You just have to deal with it, because the most important thing is that other person and making sure you're doing everything you can to make sure they're ok. Today it's back to work again, and back to my new campaign of working a lot of overtime and trying to get ahead on the job. I'm also starting a one month campaign to lose as much weight before Christmas.