Quote

This strikes me as very true.

The price one pays for pursuing any profession or calling is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.
- James Baldwin

Another one bites the dust

I spent a weekend hanging out with HBRussianGirl and suffice it to say, I think this relationship, whatever it was, is kaput. I don't really want to comment on it other than to say I probably need to read up on LMR and how to build up an emotional connection.

So I spent all of yesterday in a sort of bittersweet state of despondency. I played guitar all day, which was pretty fun, I talked to my mom on the phone. I've been having major breakthroughs with my relationship with my parents, I think that it may be too private to discuss in this blog right now.

Last week HBRussianGirl took one look at me and said, 'you look stressed'. I told her I was a tormented person, and I didn't want to go into all of the things that were wrong in my life. Way to make a great impression. At least I was being real. You know, women can always read you like a book. I don't know who I think I'm fooling. If you want to be that successful happy go lucky playboy, then you first need to eliminate your problems, get back on track with where you want to be going in life - and if you don't know at this late point, then you'd better figure it out buddy - and get back in touch with the things that really make you happy.

Of course the first step - eliminate all the problems that are weighing on you - is the hardest to deal with. It's hard for me to relate what my problems are in this blog, suffice to say they are mainly financial problems brought on by my former gambling problem and financial chaos brought on by my severe depression and reckless disregard for my well being.

At least I know that meditation is beneficial. It is weird, I was in a great mood all day - maybe it had something to do with the fact that I took St. John's Wort for the first time in more than a week. I could feel a jolt from the increased seratonin levels in vertebrae, or it could be my imagination.

Today started off ok, I meditated in the morning, had a semi productive day at work. I am being really productive tonight - I have to get back to balancing my checkbook and figuring out how I'm going to deal with traffic court on Wednesday morning when I don't have any personal or sick days left. It is always a huge shock whenever I force myself to look at my problems. It is so unpleasant, like pulling teeth. All of a sudden life is not so carefree and I have to face up to the ugly consequences of my inability to handle life. All of my problems are always so ridiculous. They are never the result of not being able to handle anything, or not being able to pay for something. They are always the result of neglect brought on by depression which saps my motivation to do anything when I get out of work other than fuck all. They are always the result of missing a deadline because I didn't know there was a deadline, shit like that.

I have to get back to work. The next couple of months are going to be rough for me. I have to get up early tomorrow to go to the first of my traffic court appointments. Honestly I don't care about HBRussianGirl all that much. I have way more pressing matters to attend to, survival matters. I shouldn't even have gone out in my horrible emotional state of the last couple of weeks. It was nice though, I feel a little more alive than I have been the past few weeks.

Meditation

Starting yesterday I will be meditating twice a day. Even if I only have a vague idea of what I'm doing, all the literature I've read so far says that the experience is different for everyone and that you learn as you go. So I will just begin and pick up knowledge as I go along, as I want this to be a life long pursuit like playing music.

Day 2 with HBRussianGirl

Date last weekend with the exotic HBRussianGirl. I really like this girl, she's just a really cool person all around. This was just a nice sweet date, I had a really good time - even though I was worried I didn't make that great of an impression. I basically threw out all my C+F PUA shit out the window and just acted naturally. Which is probably a bad idea - because in my case, acting naturally means acting like a depressed guy who needs to be on prescription antidepressents.

I picked her up at 7 and we hung out til around midnight. I took her to my favorite bars in Wicker Park, and this vegetarian restaurant. It was a nice night so we walked around a lot. She is funny and sweet, I feel like I can really talk to her. She's also pretty hot.

It was also pretty interesting - there's this point in all my dates when my date looks at me and says something like: 'you're pretty depressed', or 'you look so sad', or 'you look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders' (that's my favorite one, some teacher chick I went out with last spring said that). I'm not exactly Mr. Happy Go Lucky jokester, not surprisingly girls pick up on this pretty quickly. This girl turned to me and said 'hey you look stressed' - then she wanted to know what my problems were. My problems are so vague and nebulous - like how am I going to describe to her in a few seconds my long and convoluted relationship with my parents, or my recent troubles with the law? I just can't. I thought it was cool that this girl actually didn't hold it against me, and tried to be cheerful for both of us, and tried to relate to me even though I wasn't exactly Mr. Good Time party guy.

All I got was a kiss. But I called her up again today and told her I wanted to make her dinner at my place this weekend. She seemed excited about it, and told me she would bring cookies. So this weekend I will have this girl in my Seduction Location. Now I have to learn how to cook...HBRussianGirl

Under construction

This blog is being temporarily being renovated while I get used to this new Beta Blogger template.

Trouble

I have not posted in a while. I got in a bit of legal trouble, I won't go into it. Effect was there, it was pretty horrible. I've been kind of dealing with the emotional fallout, my relationships, lack of cashflow, etc. on top of all these emergencies at work and a really bad case of seasonal depression. I won't lie to you, my state is absolutely horrible right now. I'm a complete mess, it's not the worst I've ever been but it's pretty bad. I'm trying to meditate more lately, I need to find a way to stop myself from being so negative and pessimistic. I've been so depressed lately that I stopped trying for a while.

We went out a couple of nights in the past few weeks, for the most part I've been hiding in my apartment. I had a few approaches, a couple were actually not bad - but I ejected because of my chaotic state. One night I had 3 drinks and I started puking everywhere. I don't know if that was something I ate or if it was psychosomatic. I'm better now - I miss my friends and I want to go out in the field again.

John keeps pushing the idea of prescription meds, maybe I should listen to him. I'm still being a little bit stubborn about trying them because I'm scared of the side effects.

There have been a few positive developments: I have quit smoking again. It will be hard when I get back in the field but I'm going to try to keep it up. One bad side effect of this is that I've been eating a lot, it's been cold and I've been really down so I haven't been exercising as much as I should. I've been meditating more. Work is generally getting better, I had a few emergencies the past couple weeks that freaked me out but I'm done with those. I took out a personal ad and a few girls responded. I am still talking to a couple of them on the phone and email - they are both cute. One wants to hang out tomorrow or Saturday. I have also been playing a ton of guitar, and I've started another blog, this one about music.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I am thankful to have come in contact with you guys, I've learned a lot about life in the past year - I still have a way to go, but I'm glad that I've made some good friends at least.

242 approaches,

Six months

I wrote this a couple of days ago when something I read online made me feel particularly disillusioned with the game. This does not reflect my official view, it is something that occured to me at one time:

Most people think pua culture is either a scam or manipulation of women. I've read this type of thing multiple times in the past week: '... I don't think the 'game' matters much. I think 'game' is just a BS concept created by this male pickup artist culture. all those fancy pua guide terminology serve only to convince the average guy he can't succeed with women without all the seminars and articles and dvds that cost $$$'

Sometimes i think that is right. Out of all the books out there, there is little original information. a lot of the information gets repeated in various ways.

And i think, especially with mm literature, there is a big focus on mechanics - i.e., did you disqualify after opening? did you dhv before going into c2? - all of that just seems trivial compared to the big things, which are trying to improve yourself as a person, and making an effort to develop your social circle.

I think that me and my friends have been working on the game for six + months now, trying to refine our 'game'. Really, the best thing it has done for us was to get us out there and forced us to take the initiative for a change. The other stuff - when and how you disqualify, what types of DHV's, C2, whatever - these are trivial compared to making yourself into a person of value.

People Aren't Romantic

I was thinking about how girls aren't very romantic. At least all the girls I've ever met, and especially the girls on the personals sites want everything and are very superficial when it comes down to it. Even the quirky art girls are picky, hell even the fugly ones are stuck up these days. You'd think all they'd care about is whether or not you can tell them a joke that will make them laugh, or how you know all the cool concerts to go to, or your intense knowledge of Tarkovsky's films, but it's not like that. They still care about your job and your money, and they care the most about your looks, although their idea of what is aesthetically pleasing is slightly different from your average yuppie bar whore.

It is only after they have decided that you are 'boyfriend material' that they will attempt to get to know you on a deeper level. Then I thought - it's not just women, it's everyone. Who am I to judge, it's not like looks aren't a very big deal to me either.

DiCarlo Escalation Ladder

Utah on fastseduction irc is always pushing the DEL, so here it is:

DiCarlo Escalation Ladder

Foolproof Physical Escalation
in Half the Time

he DiCarlo Escalation Ladder is a step-by step formula, followed by a number of laws which govern it's use for maximum effect.

It is designed to provide a smooth escalation, containing no significant jumps that may cause a woman to object. At the same time, the DEL contains no extraneous steps which are non-essential to the seduction process. This results in a FAST escalation sequence which is compatible with a variety of verbal structures, and has been field tested and perfected by myself, Vincent DiCarlo, in hundreds of trials.

Without further marketing, hype or other bullsh*t, I present... the DiCarlo Escalation Ladder!


1. Eye Contact and Initial Conversation
Eye contact is the first step. It's use shows social awareness and always improves your chances of starting a conversation. Start your conversational game shortly after eye contact.


2. Incidental Class 1
The first class of incidental kino involves the arms and hands. Shaking hands, tapping people on the shoulder and brushing arms are all very common things that we do on a daily basis. Done in an incidental manner, ie. occurring merely by chance or without intention or calculation, it is extremely effective at building initial comfort.

Incidental Class 1 Examples:

Hand shaking
Arm brushing
Light touching on her arm to emphasize your points
Anchoring her arm near elbow to hold her close as you talk
Standing next to her with your arm touching hers
High Fives
Palm Reading
3. Overt Class 1
There is an unmistakable recurring pattern throughout the DEL: incidental kino, followed by overt kino. Overt means open to view or knowledge; not concealed or secret. While incidental kino is usually done in a context which masks your intention, overt kino is not. The incidental kino which precedes it creates the familiarity necessary for the overt kino to be accepted.

Overt Class 1 Examples:

Holding hands
Arm in arm escorting
4. Incidental Class 2
Class 2 kino involves any contact which takes place on her torso or legs. This is slightly more intimate than class 1, but does not include erogenous zones such as her breasts, crotch or inner thighs. Those areas are not paid any direct attention until the escalation ramp - to be defined later.

Incidental Class 2 Examples:

Standing very close with your legs touching hers
Sitting close together with your legs touching hers
Lightly and incidentally brushing her abdomen with your hands while talking
Briefly touching her back with your palm while speaking as if you are pulling her in to hear you better
5. Overt Class 2
Overt class 2 kino is usually done while sitting down. It's not necessary, but definitely a smart place to make the transition to sitting down. This class of kino should be done in a protective, almost romantic manner.

Overt Class 2 Examples:

Frontal Hugging (done best as a positive reaction to her compliance)
Escorting her through the bar with your hand on her lower back
Sitting next to her and placing her leg over yours
Holding her abdomen on the side while sitting down and talking
Placing her hand on your thigh
6. Incidental Class 3
Her hair, face and neck are the regions included in class 3. Many guys make the common mistake of touching these areas too soon, with a girl they first met. Girls are surprisingly protective of their hair, face and neck placing these relatively high on the ladder. Another common mistake is that more experienced guys will generally skip this step altogether, only to face last minute resistance later on.

Incidental Class 3 Examples:

Brushing (or pretending to brush) something off of her face
Talking very closely with your face touching hers because the environment is extremely loud
Touching an interesting neckace she's wearing, meanwhile allowing your fingers to lightly caress her neck
Playfully pinching her cheeks
7. Overt Class 3
The manner in which kino is delivered in overt class 3, is very direct. It is meant to prepare her for kissing, and is done in a very slow, gentle and romantic way. Most of the time you should be sitting down, relaxed and maintaining a good sexual state and strong eye contact.

Overt Class 3 Examples:

Placing her head to rest on your shoulder
Moving your face into her neck and smelling her
Lightly stroking her face with your finger, close in, looking into her eyes
Running your fingers through her hair, close in, looking into her eyes
Holding her behind the neck with your palm to the side of her neck, looking into her eyes

Escalation Ramp

While the above steps from 1-7 may take anywhere from 30 minutes to 10 hours, the escalation ramp is very rapid. The duration of the ramp should be about 10 - 30 minutes. Start the ramp very quickly once you have complete isolation in a sex location.


8. Kissing
Start kissing from a very close proximity. Don't come diving in lips first from three feet away. Ideally you should already be in a suitable position for kissing before you try. If you have overt class 3 kino taken care of, you're probably in the right spot.

A technique for building sexual tension - move closely in, slowly as if you might kiss her, and then move away and start talking about something else. This will build the tension and she will wonder when you're going to actually kiss her.

A technique to initiate kissing - try placing your finger just underneath her chin and pulling her mouth towards yours.

Kissing should be light and short at first. You should be the one to pull away first. Don't use too much tounge at first, just use it to tease her, and build anticipation.


9. Kissing Her Neck
Once you have kissed her for a bit, move down to her neck. Kiss it gently, while holding her close to you. Depending on how rough you want to set the mood, feel free to throw in some gentle biting too.


10. Touching the Bare Skin of Her Back
Once you have established kissing both on her mouth and neck, move your hands to her waist and underneath her shirt. Continue to hold her close to you, now with your hands directly on her back.


11. Stomach to Stomach
Now that you have established touching her skin, below her shirt, simply move your hand to the front, and lift her shirt, exposing only her stomach. At the same time lift your shirt as well so that your abdomen is in direct contact with hers.

It seems innocent, but will meanwhile trigger intense sexual feelings inside of her. The only time she feels contact like that is usually when she's naked and having sex.


12. Kissing her Body
Having her shirt pulled up affords the opportunity of moving downwards to kiss and caress the bare flesh of her abdomen. Start kissing her there, along the sides, and move upwards.

Touching and kissing the breasts is optional. It is not necessary, and in some cases can be detrimental to your progress. There are some women who have a negative anchor to their breasts. Inch toward their breasts and feel her reaction. If she becomes increasingly turned on, then go for it. If she starts to close down, skip the breasts until you are already having sex.


13. Incidentally Stimulate Vagina
While you are kissing her body, you can position yourself between her legs and use your midsection to rub against her vagina. If you are kissing her mouth you can position your thigh to stimulate her vagina.

You can also be kissing her body and reach between her legs and plant your hand on the bed below her. Then use your forearm to stimulate her vagina. The key here is that because you aren't using your hand or fingers, she has no basis for objection.


14. Direct Vaginal Stimulation from Behind (Inside Panties)
Once you have really amped her up by incidentally rubbing her vagina, move your hand around to the back and slip it inside her panties and touch her naked ass.

Next, move your hand all the way down and reach her vagina. Start first by touching the area around it. Then proceed to finger her from behind. Women never expect to have it happen this way. Trying to reach your hand down the front of her pants will often be resisted, but from the rear is unexpected and effective.

If she is wearing a skirt or dress, you will instead move your hand up the back of her leg, and reach her vagina that way. Finger her and then proceed directly to step 16.


15. Direct Vaginal Stimulation in Front
Get her heated up by fingering her, and then when once she is sufficiently turned on, undo the front of her pants with your other hand.

You can use the Situationally Relevant phrase "My hand is being crushed" as you do it, although it's usually not necessary. Since she is engaged by the fact that you are fingering her, she will rarely object to your simultaneous undoing of her pants. You may also have her undo her pants, by saying "Unbutton your pants." as you are fingering her.

Moving to the front, you'll be able to get more penetration with your fingers, and get her to the point where she is practically begging for sex. Use a firm "come-hither" motion pulling forward on the front vaginal wall and stimulating her g-spot.


16. Remove Her Pants, Sex
The idea is to get her so heated up by fingering her, that she makes a commitment to sex, verbally or physically.

There are a few ways to go about this. Firstly, it is very important that you don't stop fingering her before her pants are off. Too many times a guy will stop fingering her, and then try to take off her pants, only to get more resistance.

While fingering her you can say "Do you want me inside you?" Which will usually get a "Yes." response. At that point you say "Ok, take off your pants." and continue to finger her until her panties are off, and she's ready to go.

Another option is to skip the question and directly tell her to take off her pants. Usually with your fingers busy at work, she will be more than compliant.

Another technique is to ask her "Do you want me to get a condom?" In 90% of all girls you ask this, they will say "Yes." Not because they are saying they want sex, but because they want to appear safe and level headed. You will interpret this as the permission to get a condom and have sex with her, and it will most likely be met without opposition.


***

Additional Points

1. Higher Levels Unlock Access to Lower Levels
The rungs of the DiCarlo Escalation Ladder may be treated exactly the same as compliance levels. The point is, any time you reach a higher level through situational relevance, it unlocks the lower levels automatically.

A good example of this is in a loud club or bar, you can reach in and talk directly into her ear, getting incidental class 3 kino, touching the side of your face to hers. You are speaking to her in a way that is dictated by the situation, so it is accepted. If you accomplish this without her resistance, all lower levels will become unlocked.


2. Execution of the Escalation Ramp
The escalation ramp, which consists of steps 8-16 is most effectively executed in isolation in a sex location. It is not efficient to start the ramp with the intention of finishing it at a later time. Starting the ramp without finishing it will lead to an increase in flaking and decrease a woman's attraction toward you.

This is because these sexual behaviors were formed thousands of years ago when we were still living in caves. The natural instintual urges, combined with a lack of knowledge of modern-day sexual consequences meant that escalation with a woman would 100% of the time lead to sex.

By executing the ladder correctly, you are matching her genetic sexual programming and giving it to her the exact way that she wants it.

It is acceptable to do the first part of the ramp - kissing - outside of a suitable sex location, but only if you plan on completing the ramp later in that same meeting. It's not to say that kissing a girl on a non-sex meet will destroy your chances, but it certainly won't improve them. Kiss-closes may look impressive and feed your ego, but aren't technically optimum.


3. Incidental Vs. Overt Kino
There is always a question as to how to execute these different pieces of kino. In general, you should spend most of your time in the incidental phase, getting her comfortable with contact in those regions.

This pattern of incidental followed by overt is almost a like a Jedi mind trick. Use the incidental kino in a very non-invasive, very much under the radar manner, and her subconscious will automatically accept the subsequent overt kino.

Since she accepts the overt kino, it is through a process of backwards rationalization that her attraction for you increases. The key is to make the overt kino extremely short. Each overt phase in the initial ladder should have a duration of 5-10 seconds. You're not going to be holding her hand in the club for 5 minutes at a time while in class 1. Keep it short and sweet.


4. Group Ladder Theory
There is quite a bit of evidence supporting the idea of a "group ladder" concept. Within a tightly knit group of girls who share a "collective emotional state" with each other, it is possible that whatever step on the ladder you achieve with one girl can transfer over very easily to the other girls in the group.

In a sense, each group of girls has a ladder, which represents your escalation with that group. If you can comfortably touch and hold a girl at a certain point in the ladder, it creates an implicit trust of "this guy is cool" for the other girls in the group at that same level. Keep in mind, however, this does not include the escalation ramp, although it has been observed to happen with kissing quite readily.


5. DiCarlo Escalation Ladder as a Standalone Method
The DEL provides both a sufficient framework for escalation and a linear step-by-step process such that it could be used as a standalone method. You can use one of the many popular verbal structures out there, but basic conversational skills will suffice, given an elementary understanding of the ladder.

There is an inherent value and attractiveness to a man who can escalate in such an intelligent and socially aware manner, which is why your verbal content does not matter very much when using this method.

The DiCarlo Escalation Ladder combined with enough conversational skill to disengage her critical mind is a very powerful, yet "natural" method.

Vincent DiCarlo

Theory of Free Time

How much free time do you really have?

I've broken it down like this:

Monday through Friday, I have to work. I work 8 hours a day, with a half hour commute both ways if I am lucky - that's 9 hours. Figure in the time I have to shower and get ready, I give myself an hour for this so it's not like I'm rushing around. That puts me up to 10 hours. Now I have to sleep - I can get by on less than 8 hours of sleep, I can make it ok with even 5-6 hours a day, less than that and I am a zombie. But let's say I am giving myself a full 8 hours and am always well rested. So I am up to 18 hours. That leaves me with 6 hours. I give myself about 2 hours of unwinding time - that is, time to veg out after work, make something to eat, or just sit there and do nothing and kind of decompress if I've had a hard day at work. That leaves me with 4 hours. 4 hours of free time. 4 hours a day to do stuff like: work out, practice guitar, work on my personal programming projects, do some reading, write in my blog, organize my finances, start a side business, get a real estate license etc. All of the various non sarging related projects and goals that I've set for myself - I don't count sarging because it is more like fun to me. So the breakdown for a typical weekday goes like

Weekdays
-------
Sleep 8 hrs
Work 8 hrs
Commute 1 hr
Shower, get ready 1 hr
Relax time, eating 2 hrs
FREE TIME 4 hrs

So on the weekends - let's say I give myself 8 hours of sleep on Saturday and Sunday, and I give myself another 2 hours to shower and eat. I have 14 hours of free time on the weekends.

Weekends
-------
Sleep 8 hrs
Shower, get dressed, eating 2 hrs
FREE TIME 14 hrs

I like to relax on the weekends, so I doubt I would be doing productive stuff for 14 hours on Saturday and Sunday. I like to be lazy, surf on the internet, go out sarging, basically be non productive and let my mind decompress. But on the other hand, I don't like to go an entire weekend without having done anything productive. I'd say about 10 hours productive time on the weekends is a reasonable amount to shoot for. Likewise, I'm not going to have energy to do stuff every night when I get home from work - sometimes I'm just completely worn out, or maybe I want to go out and have fun - so I'd say about 15 to 20 hours of productive time Mon-Fri is a reasonable amount to shoot for.

Time is more valuable than money. There's nothing I hate more than realizing I just spent the entire night doing nothing, even an hour a night of doing something productive is infinitely better than doing nothing all night. And - just like, if you don't know how much money you actually have in the bank, you are more prone to spend it frivolously - if you don't know how much free time you actually have, you're more prone to squander it.

So I'm imagining a healthy level of productivity - where 0 hours of productive time means that I'm being a total lazy slug, and 38 hours of free time means that I am basically using every available minute of time a week to do something productive, which will probably never happen. A healthy level of productivity is somewhere between 20 and 30 hours a week of free time used in the pursuit of doing something productive that will move me closer to accomplishing personal goals or advancing in my career. Which fits in with the theory of 'millionaires typically work over 60 hours a week' I got from the 21 habits of millionaires book. If I can make use of my available free time this way, I will be living a good life, and inevitably good things will start to happen.

Steve Jobs Stanford Commencement Speech 2005

Everything's changing again

I'm stuck at 238 approaches. My state has been absolute shit. I've also been going out this whole time, but I've been BAPping - a lot, actually. I haven't been blogging a lot about it because I really want to keep the negativity and the emo posts to a minimum in this blog. I just want there to be field reports, useful information, funny youtubes, and hopefully good things to report.

I've been thinking - here are a few things behind my change of state:

1. Seasonal Affective Disorder (check the post below). The carefree days of summer are over, fall is here and winter is coming. I'm sort of dreading the cold weather and the impending holidays.

2. I've been really focusing on my career and financial affairs, that shit isn't exactly fun, I've been spending a lot of time at home doing this home renovation and financial reorganization project. I'm naturally a worrier and I think this whole process of organizing all of my bills and responsibilities has just given me more stuff to obsess about. In the end this will be worth it because it is all stuff that will help in the future.

3. I notice my emotional state is very closely tied to my physical state - I have not been taking care of myself lately. I need to eat better, work out more, buy more clothes, and get my hair cut on a more regular basis. I have been gradually trying to eliminate smoking because being self conscious about bad breath also fucks my state. I'm also noticing that I'm drinking more lately when I go out - this is not only bad for my game but it also makes you fat.

4. Not playing guitar due to being busy with the home renovation crap. This may seem like a minor factor, but it's not. Playing guitar is one of the few things in this life that brings me any type of fulfillment.

5. Friends being all over the place, negative influences, unreliable, manipulative. This is a distortion - emotional reasoning, mainly, mind reading, overgeneralizations - basically the fallacy of 'if you feel it, it must be true'. Without their saying so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, you are able to divine how people are feeling toward you. Mind reading depends on a process called projection. You imagine that people feel the same way you do and react to things the same way you do. Therefore, you don't watch or listen carefully enough to notice that they are actually different. Mind readers jump to conclusions that are true for them, without checking whether they are true for the other person. It is very hard to be conscious of this when in the moment, dealing with other people. This is due to me not being more in touch with myself, and not believing in myself sometimes. I have to constantly check myself all the time when I slip into these types of thoughts.

6. Comparing myself to others. This is another distortion, a form of personalization closely tied to self esteem: This is the tendency to relate everything around you to yourself. For example, thinking that everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to you. You also compare yourself to others, trying to determine who's smarter, better looking, etc. The underlying assumption is that your worth is in question. You are therefore continually forced to test your value as a person by measuring yourself against others. If you come out better, you get a moment's relief. If you come up short, you feel diminished. The basic thinking error is that you interpret each experience, each conversation, each look as a clue to your worth and value.

7. I've also yet to strike the right balance between going out and taking care of my responsibilities. It always feels as if I'm going out too much and neglecting everything my career and finances, or I'm staying in too much and missing out on fun stuff.

Last week my therapist told me he thought I should consider taking prescription antidepressents. I decided I didn't want to deal with the side effects like gaining weight or loss of sex drive. I've also heard it can freak you out when you try to get off them. I decided to try taking fish oil supplements and St. John's Wort supplements before trying the more hardcore shit. It seems to have helped a little - I'm definitely not as lethargic and depressed as I was before, my thoughts are still all over the place though.

I went out last Saturday with JCB and Effect. We went to to this restaurant called the Mayan for Mexican food. We then met up with JCB's friends at this place called Kingstone Mines, JCB's friend was getting married. He seemed like a cool guy. We BAP'ed hard at Kingstone, even though there were a lot of girls there. I did get in one - really long - but completely worthless set at Longroom later on that night with this totally horrendous looking brunette. The guys gave me hell about her when I rejoined them at the bar.

I went out on the town with Diva and the Photographer and Effect. The Photographer drags us to a bunch of bars, all of them semi shitty - Cleo's, the bar across the street from Cleo's, Uptown Lounge, the Green Mill. We decide to go to Darkroom. I got one really good set in this night that I should have capitalized on, and 2 shitty sets that I don't even remember. Some stupid drunk bitch started fucking with me and hit her in the head with my hat. We stayed out pretty late and I was pretty hung over the next day. It was a pretty good time, I usually wake up the next day with a hangover and regret over BAP'ing.

We also went out a few times with no approaches -

Sunday night, Did we go out that night? I think we might have gone to Wicker Park and BAP'd.

Wed. night, We were supposed to interview this biatch for our business but she never showed up. I drove over straight from work and ran in the rain to get there on time but she stood us up. We thought about going out later on but were just not in the mood for it.

Thursday night, Horrible night where I go to this Financial Planning seminar with JCB and meet up with a bunch of lair guys. I should have never went to that thing, now these financial planner lair guys won't stop calling me - why does it surprise me that I am constantly meeting inauthentic people, people who want something from you, or who pre judge you? Maybe this is my problem, and I am too distrustful of people, and am not to new experiences, but I think I am. I also think my lousy state from the past couple of weeks might be at play here.

Friday night. We went to Andersonville, looked in the window at Simons and saw a bunch of 50 year old guys in suits smoking cigars, very few women, and got right back in the car and drove home. Ugh. Just didn't feel like dealing with that scene. Fucking situation with the lair guys also that I don't want to write about right now.

Saturday - was pretty fun, went out with Diva, Effect, and the Photographer to 3 parties. It was cool, but again I didn't approach anyone. Effect tried to get me to approach but I was a huge pussy about it. First party was this loft party held by this guy called Saverio. Pretty cool, Saverio seemed like a really nice guy. Second party was this party at this girl Ana's house, Ana is this cute girl that Effect is trying to either network with for a job or trying to get with. She had a lot of cute friends but goddamn that was a boring party - they were all sitting around watching Freddy vs. Jason. Cute girls though, also a bunch of dudes were there, of course. We bailed pretty quickly. I would have really liked to have stayed and talked to one of those girls. Third party was the best party, just wild. Held by Diva's friend Pam, her band was playing - they're called the Electrodes. Crazy dance punk type of music - two guitarists that look like the Misfits. Awesome crowd - street people, indie people, punk rockers, hot girls in halloween costumes, the whole gamut. We saw this girl spit on the guitar player for 'flashing her pussy' whatever that means.

So that's it. I'm at

238 approaches,

trying to snap out of whatever's come over me. Effect may think that he was weird, but that new age guy at the gallery party the other night was on the right path. I have to learn to let go of my need to control and the feelings of anger I keep bottled up inside - they are keeping me from getting in touch with my infinite and unbounded spiritual essence, which is pure consciousness, pure knowledge, infinite silence, perfect balance, invincibility, simplicity, and bliss, and is one with the power that manifests everything in the universe.

SAD hitting hard

My state has been absolutely horrible lately, I think this has a lot to do with it ...

What is Seasonal Affective Disorder?
Some people suffer from symptoms of depression during the winter months, with symptoms subsiding during the spring and summer months. This may be a sign of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). SAD is a mood disorder associated with depression episodes and related to seasonal variations of light.

SAD was first noted before 1845, but was not officially named until the early 1980’s. As sunlight has affected the seasonal activities of animals (i.e., reproductive cycles and hibernation), SAD may be an effect of this seasonal light variation in humans. As seasons change, there is a shift in our “biological internal clocks” or circadian rhythm, due partly to these changes in sunlight patterns. This can cause our biological clocks to be out of “step” with our daily schedules. The most difficult months for SAD sufferers are January and February, and younger persons and women are at higher risk.

Symptoms Include:

* regularly occurring symptoms of depression (excessive eating and sleeping, weight gain) during the fall or winter months.
* full remission from depression occur in the spring and summer months.
* symptoms have occurred in the past two years, with no nonseasonal depression episodes.
* seasonal episodes substantially outnumber nonseasonal depression episodes.
* a craving for sugary and/or starchy foods.

Possible Cause of this Disorder
Melatonin, a sleep-related hormone secreted by the pineal gland in the brain, has been linked to SAD. This hormone, which may cause symptoms of depression, is produced at increased levels in the dark. Therefore, when the days are shorter and darker the production of this hormone increases.

Treatments
Phototherapy or bright light therapy has been shown to suppress the brain’s secretion of melatonin. Although, there have been no research findings to definitely link this therapy with an antidepressant effect, many people respond to this treatment. The device most often used today is a bank of white fluorescent lights on a metal reflector and shield with a plastic screen. For mild symptoms, spending time outdoors during the day or arranging homes and workplaces to receive more sunlight may be helpful. One study found that an hour’s walk in winter sunlight was as effective as two and a half hours under bright artificial light.

If phototherapy doesn’t work, an antidepressant drug may prove effective in reducing or eliminating SAD symptoms, but there may be unwanted side effects to consider. Discuss your symptoms thoroughly with your family doctor and/or mental health professional.

nonchalant REVEALED yo!!

Finally, candid video footage of yours truly. :P

Surging - It's kinda like a business...

I wake up today with a massive hangover. I had five beers last night, which is a lot for me since I am not a huge drinker. I usually only have one a night if that. First thing I do is check my email, my laptop freezes on me so I hit the power button and attempt to reboot. It hangs during the reboot process for several minutes and I realize that my laptop is busted. Losing my laptop is equivalent to the Def Leppard drummer losing an arm or Beethoven going deaf - so of course I freak. I spend the morning with a hangover, trying all kinds of repair maneuvres with the AppleCare guys on the phone, none of them work and they tell me to take it into the Apple Store and talk to the mac genius. So I take it to the Apple store, and the guy tries a few things before telling me I will have to try erasing and reinstalling everything, which means I lose everything that was on my computer. This wasn't a big deal I guess, I just had some audio books on this computer and some mp3's I hadn't backed up yet. I'm more upset that I wasted a day trying to get my computer running again when I had a bunch of crap I wanted to do today. It's back up and running and I'm typing this out on a fresh installation of os X on my laptop.

My therapist tells me that the psychological effects of alcohol can linger for days after the actual drinking happens. I am feeling a little run down, and today my state was all over the place. I still have a bit of a headache, and my body feels dehydrated. I totally didn't need this laptop crap to happen today. It's just been a crazy week and I wanted to get some responsible adult stuff done today, instead I have to drive all over the place and hunt down all the dvd's with my digital audio applications on them so I can reinstall my shit. JCB wanted to hang out tonight at this place Central, but I cancel due to this computer crap and my hangover.

I have a couple of nights of sarging, er - surging :P, in the words of Diva - to report. Me and Effect went out on Thursday to the old reliable Wicker Park. It was Thursday but the place just seemed dead. Hardly any people around compared to the summer. Maybe it's the change of seasons. Thursdays are usually good nights, though, I'm hoping this trend reverses itself soon. We decide to drive a half hour out to Rogers Park and pick up the Photographer to go to this place Morseland and hit on some Loyola girls. This was a huge mistake. The Photographer decides to be a massive pussy and stay home, and Morseland is deader than a doornail. By the time we decide to abandon Morseland it is already past midnight. We curse the Photographer for ruining our night and decide to just hang out at Clarke's and then go home.

At Clarke's Effect is ruthless and uses peer pressure to force me into opening sets at the diner, so I go table to table asking girls if they know any good late night clubs, and if they think a man having six cats is feminine. One of them is cute - she is in a 3 set at a table, and I realize one of the 3 is her mom, who is like 50 years old! I feel like a pedo, and eject, even though the girl is cute and volunteers the information that she just moved here from out of town and is a student at Roosevelt. I also open these two blonde sorostitutes who give me some patronizing attitude, so I eject. I didn't want to go the whole night without pushing myself a little. As I am fond of telling Effect, if you BAP and don't approach, you just wasted a night of your life and you haven't grown at all. In fact, you have regressed into BAP-dom.

Friday was a rough day at work and I drive over to Wicker Park and meet up with Effect immediately after work. We are excited about this new idea for a business venture. I will expound on it in this journal if it takes off past a certain point, right now it is in the planning stages. It has a lot of potential as far as both making money and meeting women goes, put it that way. The little gears in our brains are turning about all the money we'll make and company cars and so forth. I do a preliminary set of these 3 artsy chicks at McGearty's and head over to the Flatiron building for First Fridays at Around the Coyote. The place is semi dead, although there were some HB's there. There was a lot of free food and alcohol, which we helped ourselves to. We drank a lot and discussed our business plans surrounded by these art installations I didn't really understand and some hipster dj guy played stuff like LCD Soundsystem and Fleetwood Mac.

I am well on my way to getting drunk when we drive over to Life During Wartime night at Darkroom. The place is not very busy when we walk in, so I start up a tab and we continue our drinking binge. As we drink, more people come in, but they are mostly dudes. The girls that are there are mostly UGs as well. I don't know what's up with the bars lately, but, being process oriented rather than goal oriented, I have to get some approaches in. Me and Effect play this game where I point to someone at the bar and he has to go and approach her, then we switch and I have to do the same. I wind up approaching a few UG's - this one french girl I approached before, who seemed really shy and flattered when I approached her and asked her if I knew her from somewhere. This one blonde chick who looked good from the other end of the bar but up close was rather large. This two set of really tall but pretty black chick with an afro and her blonde friend who was semi fugly. And this really bitchy Indian chick who wasn't even attractive that totally blew me out.

Apparently JayDog is getting action from lovelypurdyflowers. I guess that's cool, but what about our surging?? Afterwards we went to (the other) Clarke's, and I drunkenly attempt to catch the attention of some redhead girl at the next table by asking her to pass the ketchup and pass the salt. I came up with some diner game, which I plan to use: Hey can you pass the salt/ketchup? and Hey, you gonna eat those fries? I think I will have to be really drunk to use these situational openers, like last night. Sometimes the game is a little frustrating when I'm not feeling it. This was just a night on the town getting drunk with my bud. I will not give up the game, though - those nights when everything comes together and I meet someone I connect with are what I live for. I also know that one day I will strike up a random conversation with someone, and realize that this may be the person for me.

234 approaches

Eat That Frog!: 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time

Eat That Frog!: 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time is a book about getting more things done in the (limited) time that you have. This book is written by Brian Tracy who is a self-made millionaire. The basic premise of the book is that to be more productive, you have to find out that one task that you need to do which will make a difference (and not the task that you feel like doing) and take steps to do it right away with urgency. The book has a lot of good ideas to help you find your biggest frog and eat it!

Recommended for the perpetual procrastinators (yes, that means you!)

Here is a summary of 21 ways to stop procrastinating and getting more things done faster:

1. Set the table: Decide exactly what to do. Write down goals and objectives.
2. Plan every day in advance: Think on paper. Every minute spent in planning can save 5-10 minutes in execution.
3. Apply 80/20 Rule to everything: 20% of activities account for 80% of results. Always concentrate efforts on those top 20%.
4. Consider the consequences: Most important tasks and priorities are those with most serious consequences. Focus on them.
5. Practice the ABCDE method continually: Prioritize tasks from A - most important to E - least important to make sure you always work on the most important task.
6. Focus on key result areas: Identify and determine those results that you absolutely, positively have to get to do your job well, and work on them all day long.
7. Obey the Law of Forced Efficiency: There is never enough time for everything, but there is always enough time to do the most important things. What are they ?
8. Prepare thoroughly before you begin: PPPPP Proper prior preparation prevents poor performance.
9. Do your homework: The more knowledgeable and skilled you become at your key tasks, the faster you start them and sooner you get them done.
10. Leverage your special talents: Determine what it is that you are very good at doing and throw your whole heart into doing those things very well.
11. Identify your key constraints: Determine the bottlenecks or choke points, internally or externally, that set the speed at which tou achieve your most important goals and focus on alleviating them.
12. Take it one oil barrel at a time: You can accomplish biggest and most complicated jo if you just complete it one step at a time.
13. Put the pressure on yourself: Imagine that you have to leave town for a month and work as if you had to get all your major tasks completed before you left.
14. Maximize your personal powers: Identify the periods of highest mental and physical energy and structure the most important and demanding tasks around those times.
15. Motivate yourself into action: Focus on the solution rather than the problem. Always be optimistic and constructive.
16. Practice creative procrastination: Since you cannot do everything, learn to deliberately put off low value tasks, so that you have enough time to do the few things that really count.
17. Do the most difficult task first: Begin each day to do the most difficult task, the one task that can make the freatest contrivution to yourself and your work, and resolve to stay at it until it is complete.
18. Slice and dice the task: Break large, complex tasks down into smaller pieces.
19. Create large chunks of time: Organize your days around large blocks of time where you can concentrate for extended periods on your most important tasks.
20. Develop a sense of urgency: Make a habit of moving fast on your key tasks.
21. Single handle every task: Set clear priorities, start immediately on your most important task, and them work without stopping until the job is 100 percent complete.

Back Into the Fray

I went out for Ethiopian food with the Lunch Crew from work and J.'s roommate Carrie. I really enjoyed it, although it is like Indian food for me in that I can already tell that I probably would not be able to eat it all the time. D. apparently eats Ethiopian a couple of times a week, but he has some of the more unusual eating habits I've seen.

I had a couple of Red Stripes at dinner and was feeling frisky. After dinner I meet up with Effect and we go out to Clarkes, where I inform him of my 10 year goal of becoming a millionaire. We then brainstorm about another possible business venture, a 'pivot girls' service - sort of like a non sexual escort service for guys who need social proof in the bars. I will write more about this when we hammer some stuff out further. It may not fly. There are no pivotgirls service in the Chicago area, but I know they exist in other parts of the country. We did the math, and even at $50 bucks an hour, there is potential to greatly supplement my monthly salary and provide a nice cushion for me to invest in real estate and stocks. Best of all, the business would involve things that I love - bars and clubs, women, and the game. Hopefully this pans out but, you know, I will keep plugging away at this 10 year goal of becoming a millionaire regardless.

Afterwards we picked up the Photographer, who is housesitting for this dude in the DePaul area. Apparently all of Effect's stories are starting to rub off and the Photographer is becoming more and more interested in the game. We drive out to the old reliable Wicker Park and hit Jazz Night at Rodan. Again, it is a sausage fest but there are workable sets there. We hang out for a little while and I get in one set - some redhead girl in a sixties mod dress. This was my first set since my emotional breakdown last weekend and I was a little nervous. I could feel my knees shaking a little. She was ice cold too. She shook my hand and was pretty friendly but in the end she blew me out to talk to her friend. Whatevah.

Afterwards we go for the 2 dollar specials at Sheffields, which the Photographer has been hanging out in quite frequently lately in order to accidentally run into this girl he shared a cab with but did not get a phone number from a couple of weeks ago. There are no sets at Sheffields, we sit there sipping out beers and talking about punk rock music for a little while. On the way out I wind up getting another set in: Some HB7 brunette opera singer from NYC, we bonded about the East Village and I started riffing on the homeless cats routine. I merged the Photographer into the set and even tried to close by inviting her to a party. This was semi rude of me because she was there with some guy - this weird looking guy wearing a green spikey wig, I don't know what that was about, but he started getting a little anxious looking when it was obvious that I was blowing him out. I think if I saw this girl when she was not out on a date I could have closed her. Who knows.

I have been doing a lot of work lately around the house - just totally cleaning everything out and getting my financial records sorted out and entered into this financial software I downloaded. I spent practically all last weekend doing this, it's starting to look pretty cool. I threw out a ton of junk and gave away a lot of old clothes to the Salvation Army. I have an appointment tonight after work to check out this filing cabinet I might buy from someone on craigslist. I also have a maid coming in this weekend to scrub the place down. My mind feels a bit clearer.

227 approaches

Reflections by nonchalant

It is raining when I leave my parent's house. I run into my cousin Manny on the way out the door, he tells me they are going for bloody mary's at some bar Sunday morning to watch football. I'm sick to death of football. The rain on my car is a baptism, or something like that. Well, not really. My state is just fucked. Being around my family always brings my feelings of inner conflict and inadequacy into sharp relief. I don't know how many times my mom needs to tell me she loves me until I actually believe it, maybe I never will. That's just not right. Of course my family loves me, they just don't understand me. I don't understand myself.

I listen to the radio on the ride home and I miss my stolen iPod. I call Effect and JayDog, both are indisposed. JCB calls, he's going to do something in Naperville tonight. I turn on the radio and listen to some rap music for a little while, then I turn it off. I would play this death metal mix Effect made me, but that would just be too brutal.

I'm in turmoil all the time these days, my moods fluctuate wildly. One minute I am filled with hope for the future, another minute I think of the past and I am plunged into a deep despair. I run some affirmations: Brave courageous noble beautiful brilliant Red, I believe in you. It is like I am talking to a friend who has just lost a loved one or something, trying to cheer him up.

It is Saturday night, I don't feel like going out tonight but I also don't particularly want to stay home. I tell myself all the time that maybe I am concentrating too hard on sarging, and that I am neglecting my other responsibilities - but when I finally have some free time to get things done, I just sit there totally unmotivated to do anything. It's like I can't handle being alone with myself and having to face my life. If I look at my life for too long, I start feeling intimidated. There is such a huge discrepency between the person I am now and the person I eventually want to be. I don't even have a clear idea really of the kind of person I eventually want to become, but he is definitely much better off than how I am right now. There are like a million little things to be done, and they all seem so vague and immense.

I think about Sophia again until I push these melancholy and nostalgic thoughts out of my head. I wonder briefly what she is doing and I wish her the best. I hope she is with someone who treats her better than I did. I wonder what is to become of me, now that she is gone and I'm faced with this uncertain future. There is the game that I am so obsessed about, sometimes it seems like a lot of effort just to meet some superficial women who ultimately are not worth it. Not that it hasn't been a lot of fun, learning to be more confident, having fun with new friends and such. I have always been searching for something that will save me, or bring me back to that sense of serene happiness that I've only glimpsed for a short time. Maybe that thing does not exist in other people, maybe it is to be found in mastering these chaotic voices inside of me, and this idea that time is always slipping away irrevocably. I am not exactly a young man anymore, but I've felt these things since as far back as I can remember.

My building is tall and white, with tinted windows, and an American flag outside that is being blown about in the rain. The doorman holds the door open for me and I say hello to him and the two ladies in the elevator when I arrive at my building. I've lived here for four years. I haven't grown very much in those four years, other than the fact that I've had some more life experience and I've obtained a Masters degree. I've seen people get married and have kids in that time, settle down, buy a house together and start a family, and I'm still out there trying to figure out a way to get the phone number of the cute girl at the end of the bar.

JCB tells me not to worry, that I'm on a path and more and more good things will come my way if I stay on this path. I tell him how I'm tired of being just an ordinary guy, and how I want so much more for myself. Sometimes I have a hard time keeping it together, this process of change seems so traumatic. Last week I messed up really badly at work, just some stupid typo error that got blown out of proportion and seen by the wrong people, I won't go into details - I thought very briefly about asking my therapist maybe I should take some meds to regulate my wildly fluctuating moods. But now I think that's just not necessary, I just have to stay focused on the future, develop an observing ego, and not be so hard on myself.

I saw this cool movie on Tuesday with Effect and Diva - The Science of Sleep. It was about guy who had trouble distinguishing dreams from reality. We went to Rodan that night and I talked to this cute emo girl who was eating there with her friends. We all hung out at McGearty's this week, but I didn't feel like approaching that night because I was worrying so much about money. Last night I went out with JCB, Effect and JayDog in Wicker Park. This one dude Dapper and some random guy from the lair I think were hanging out at Nick's with us, as well. The melding of the two groups - Effect and JayDog + JCB and lair guys, did not seem to go very well. Everyone was being less than sociable amongst each other. To be honest, my relationship with the lair guys just seems really superficial. We're just warm bodies to be seen with to each other. I really hate that. I guess other people have a higher tolerance for for this sort of thing, but I much prefer having a deeper rapport with a few people that I sarge with regularly vs. constantly being exposed to new people I have no connection with. Or maybe this is my problem and I'm just being unsociable. I had a thought today about such things: maybe the reason treat you stand offishly is not because they are writing you off as a nerd or an inconsequential person. Maybe the reason people treat you stand offishly is because they feel intimidated around you because you have certain things going for you that they don't have. I probably would care more about this if I didn't have so many other things on my mind.

I made some ridiculous approaches, I was basically practicing my disqualification. I told these girls I was gay but didn't bother to un-disqualify myself. You had to be there, it was actually pretty funny. God I had such a hangover this morning, and I only drank like five or six beers. I did one set at Nick's (stupid fat chick just for practice), Rodans (these girls who kept telling me to go to the Manhole), these Indian chicks waiting at the valet for their cat, and these two really drunk chicks on the street. I wasn't very serious, it was probably good that I was out at all considering this shitty state that I was in. Money is always on my mind these days, I really hate that. I have to get out of this shitty financial situation, and I have to make sure I never get this way again. And now I have these nameless anxieties about my performance at work. I don't know what else to do but keep doing what I should, keep trying to get my life together, believe in myself. Even if things seem bleak right now and there doesn't seem to be a way out. Ask yourself, when everything seems to be going wrong, will you give up? or will you keep trying? It's as simple as that, and what you decide, decides your future.

225 approaches

Warrior

So, I guess I'm a 'warrior', according to this - probably non scientific - test of the 4 Jungian personality archetypes. This is probably bullshit.


Warrior
I'm not telling your actual score. Hmph!
Warriors, like Kings, are often leaders because they possess the necessary mental abilities to hold such positions. Warriors see something they want and go for it. They don't hold back. They speak their mind. They don't sugarcoat. They don't fear. Like Lovers, they often have bad reps because they are misunderstood. They may come across as harsh, unforgiving, uncaring, or insensitive, but it is only because they are realistic and drive right to the core of the situation rather than beat around the bush.

The Warrior's complement is the thoughtful, artistic Lover.


My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on Confidence

You scored higher than 99% on Creativity

If you liked my test, send it to your friends!
The Medieval Archetype Test
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=5333684000587585060

ESTJ

I am still unclear how to interpret this, but here are the results of this Jungian personality test I just took

ESTJ - "Administrator". Much in touch with the external environment. Very responsible. Pillar of strength. 8.7% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

Ode to Laura's Sister

I am totally exhausted. It's one in the morning and I just got home, I probably could fall asleep right now but of course I am anal retentively documenting the past two days of sarging activities. I shouldn't have gone out tonight, I could've used a day off. So far I've gone out last Friday, Saturday, a day off last Sunday when I slept practically all day, day/early night game on Monday, last night at Rodan, and then tonight. The game never sleeps.

I got an email close off of some girl I met at Rodan last night. Some HB redhead experimental filmmaker. This HB I met last Saturday tipped me off that the guys from Tortoise played free jazz at Rodan every Tuesday night, and me and Effect decided to check it out. We met up last night and sat there drinking for a little while, watching the guys from Tortoise play their jazz. Rodan is such a cool bar, it's probably my favorite sarging venue at this point.

Effect makes this comment that everyone there is in 'the business' - meaning, that they are in the video editing and film industry. I found this to be a ridiculous statement, and decided to use it as my opener for the night. I ask this HB whatever with some dude if she was in the video editing industry, she wasn't. I segue into some other opener, I forget which one, and ask her about clubs in the area. I also open up the blonde HB whatever with some ultra skinny dude on the other side of me. I ask her - what do you think of a man who has five cats? Would you consider this weird or even effeminite? She viciously blows me out, gives me a harsh look and tells me that cats are disgusting, then freezes me out. Me and Effect sort of look at each funny and basically laugh at her. I hate it when mediocre biatches have all sorts of attitude. Brick. Palace.

On the way back from the bathroom I open a 2 set from out of town - Colorado or something like that. Nice set, cats and dogs opener, club talk, a lot of fluff talk and banter. Long. Kino. I eject, I should have stayed in but they were sitting next to us and I thought I could easily reopen them. Then some people they were with tell them they are going to switch venues. They say bye as they are leaving and I let them go, I don't decide to close because they are from out of town and they are not very attractive.

I then open a 2 set at the end of the bar. A good set, they are already making moves to leave when I open them, so I get as much of my set in as possible - ask for a cigarette, dogs vs. cats, effeminite guy with six cats?, masculing girl with a huge pit bull?, banter and fluff talk about youtube and the girl's website, I am pretty much on with these two but I know they are leaving soon, so I email close the redhead one as they are making for the door. I have emailed her and called the other one from Friday, but so far noone has responded. Effect mentioned that I didn't stay with the set after the close last Friday, which most probably has led to a flake/buyer's remorse. I blame it on damn Emperor for being in such a hurry to leave last Friday. I have emailed this redhead chick but so far no response. Maybe she is just playing games. I hate the waiting game after the initial contact. Mental note to read TD's article on phone game that JCB suggested.

The redhead is hot, I hope she calls. Today after work I meet up with JayDog and Effect at McGearty's. JayDog gives me huge props for closing so much recently. We have dinner at a falafel place. We go back to Mcgearty's tonight, where they are having this party with free booze and cigarettes. It is pretty happening. I open a 2 set of HB blonde marketing chicks with the usual - cats vs. dogs, what are the cool bars etc. I open a 2 set of chicks from Oak Park, long set with a lot of banter about how I rescue stray animals. Unfortunately, they are there with their bf's.

Effect sees this one chick that he apparently had a huge case of one itis for in college - name is Laura. He is like a deer in headlights and really wants to leave, he is avoiding her at McGearty's like the plague, he must have really got shot down hard by her. He tells me the full story about that particular dating debacle. It is not pretty and I won't repeat it here, suffice to say he would like to keep it in the past and would prefer to avoid her. I open this really cute hipsterish chick with short hair in a derby cap. This chick turns out to be Laura's sister. She is young, a sophomore at UIC. I reopen her a couple of times - what are the cool bars, do you work here, dogs vs. cats, did you go to Columbia?, how long you been smoking?, etc. My plan as I told JayDog was to keep reopening this hottie all night, but by this time Effect really wants to leave as he keeps bumping into this girl Laura he used to have one itis for who I guess completely dogged him back in the day. TFAF. We walk around a little, and decide not go to into Rodan, we go to Subterrenean, where Effect approaches these two indie chicks who are dressed like hobos.

We go back to Effect's place and hang out with Diva, who is acting like a diva. We head out again - to this place called the Underground Lounge, which is dead, then to Estelle's in Wicker, which is dead. I'm dead at this point. I need to go home as I haven't been getting a lot of rest and I'm not in the mood to approach anymore. The conversational themes of the evening were: how much of worthless AFC JayDog is, how bullshit it is that he keeps bragging about this myspace chick he has been blowing us off to webcam with, how I am going through hell waiting for these two chicks to call or email me, and how hot Laura's sister is and how Effect is a puss for not talking to this Laura chick and possibly hooking me up with her sister. It would be cool if we ran into Laura or her hot hot sister again, as I'd really like the chance to try gaming her again. Ok, going to bed. TFAF, children.

220 approaches

Sophia aka Shmoopie

Effect asked me why I am still hung up on my ex. I told him I don't know why, it has been about 8 months since we broke up and I am pretty much over her now. It's not like I am calling her or that I want her back or anything. Honestly, I think about her every day - but it's not like I'm plotting ways to get her back or I'm still in love with her. I just wish her the best and hope that she finds whatever it is that she is looking for in life.

We went back to Evanston today, walking to my car I took a quick walk around downtown and saw a lot of the familiar landmarks that were so part of my daily life back when we were together. I guess that, and the fact that it is fall again and people are starting school, brought on a lot of melancholy. I will always associate her with grad school and the city of Evanston. If I think about my ex these days it is only for a minute, until I push the thought of her out of my head - if I think of her at all, I mainly feel nostalgic for the past and I wind up missing someone that I shared so much of my life with over the past five years. Someone who doesn't exist anymore, at least not as she once was.

I'm a different person too these days. For a while I was really lost without her, and I was just drifting through life not caring about myself or what happened to me. I still feel this way sometimes and I have to constantly check myself when I get this way. Those days are gone, I have to get myself together and think about the future and what is to become of me. Those dreams I had of becoming a great man so that she would be proud of me, those are good dreams and I should want that for myself even if we are not together anymore. I was telling my therapist that it was weird how I felt so driven and productive when we were together - she made me believe in myself, and she made me feel unconditionally accepted. I'm learning to do these things for myself now, minus the baggage of the 'relationship' :P - so in the end it will be all for the best. I just hope she's happy out there, I don't answer the phone anymore when she calls but I hope she knows that I'll always be her friend.

JayDog = Huge Pussy + Some Random Approaches

This was Style Life Day 21 for me. The date was Saturday, Sept. 16th. I spent the afternoon laying around the house, playing guitar. JayDog calls me from this coffee shop in Wicker Park and tells me he wants to hang out that night. JayDog has been cancelling out on our sarging expeditions lately, and I found out why - he has met a girl on myspace, and he has been spending a lot of time at home, talking to her on webcam. This is unacceptable to me, if sarging girls on the internet is your thing then more power to you, but to me it is a lazy man's way out, and you are taking anything you can get instead of gathering the skill to be able to choose who you want to date.

Anyway, me and Effect meet up with JayDog in Wicker Park. We hang out at the coffee shop for an hour or so, we catch JayDog talking to the girl on webcam and give him a lot of shit about it. Afterwards, we go to Trevia, which has been renamed Debonair or something like that. There is an art show there, a bunch of painters are painting stuff that they will sell later on, and there is a hip hop dj spinning some crunk ass jams.

I open 2 sets at Trevia. They are once again really good sets full of a lot of unscripted bantering. I open this brunette HB8 with a pink beret on. Her name was Jen and she owned an indie hip hop label. She is hanging out with this guy but I manage to banter with the two of them and eventually isolate her. I have a long set with her but I eject and rejoin my friends. I reopen her later on, and I try to merge her with Effect, thinking that they may strike up some type of business relationship, since he directs music videos. I felt really good about this set, I tried to reopen her later on and try for a close but she is surrounded by too many people and it is hard to get her attention. She seemed to know everyone at the bar. What I think went wrong with this set: I should have tried to close earlier, I ejected for no reason, I should have stayed in there and went for a close before going back to my friends, I had gone far enough in the set to do so. I also didn't neg or disqualify. Me and my friends also spent too long standing against the wall, looking like wallflowers, demonstrating lower value instead of going around and acting social, and building social value.

I had realized that we were standing along the wall for too long and walked up to a cute blonde HB sitting alone at the bar. This girl was really cool, it was also a really long set where I was able to get through the majority of my routine and work in a lot of joking and banter. I felt like this would have been closeable too, if she hadn't mentioned that she was dating the bartender - who, I noticed, had been staring at me the whole time.

On the way to the car I open a 2 set on the street. Just a random street approach, mediocre chicks. JayDog says I screwed up when I asked them where they lived, this just came out of my mouth, I guess I can see where girl would think this was a little creepy. Live and learn. So anyway, we go to Clarkes for some greasy diner food, and call it a night.

Today I had the day off. I slept til noon, then hooked up with Effect for some day game. We went to the Old Orchard mall in Skokie, where I did a couple of random sets. I also did 4 set of sorostitutes at the Barnes and Nobles in Evanston, where we went later on. None were anything to write home about - day game is a lot harder than night game, I just look at it as practice, working on your confidence and so forth in preparation for the real game at the bars on the weekends. We were walking around the mall when this girl comes up to us and asks us if we would like to take a test drive in a new Lexus in exchange for a 15 dollar gift certificate, so we take a ten minute test drive in a Lexus, then use our 15 dollar gift certificate to go out to lunch at Mangiannos Little Italy. I love Mangiannos, I'm glad we stumbled onto the the Lexus test drive, it was like the universe taking us out to lunch.

213 approaches

Style Life Day 20

Better late than never.

So day 20 is all about attempting to close, and guess what - I closed.

This was Friday night. I was actually in really bad spirits too. Just work and family and me thinking about my ex and my financial situation and everything - it's not a horrible existence, I just have trouble appreciating all the good things in my life sometimes. This was definitely the case Friday night. I was close to calling Effect and telling him I didn't feel like going out but I changed my mind because, as they say

"However old you may live to be, you will never have any other joy in the world than these few hours. Savour them to the very dregs, because, after this, there is nothing left for you. This first spring on which you have stumbled is also the last. Quench your thirst, once and for all; you shall not drink again."

another thing that get me down sometimes - the sense of time slipping away irretreivably, regret over so much time wasted wallowing in apathy. I am determined to not waste any more time and really make something of myself.

The night starts out badly. We are supposed to meet Effect's friend, Emperor, at this house party. He doesn't really know the people who are having the party, he has only gotten an invitation via email. The address he tells us to go to is in a bad neighborhood on the South Side, it is obviously the wrong address because nobody is home. We are driving up and down the block when we call Emperor and he tells us he must have gotten the wrong address. We meet up with him and all 3 of us go to Wicker Park to hit some bars instead.

We sit at McGearty's for an hour, drinking coffee, and talking about bullshit. After a while we head over to Rodan. I open a set at the bar but she is there with her boyfriend, it turns out. Wasn't a bad set, I always get thrown off by the boyfriend.

I open a 3 set - 2 brunettes and a blonde with streaks in her hair. Target is the blonde. This was a really long set, half hour or so, which I leave and reopen periodically. I had her ROFL with my stupid DHV routine - a story about how I gave CPR to a cat. I think the sequence of events went like this - ask her about this bar we are thinking of going to, opener of cats vs. dogs, part two of opener - do you think it's feminine for a man to have a lot of cats and masculine for a woman to have a large dog like a pit bull or a great dane?, then I start talking about pets, how I had a hard time housebreaking this cat I used to have, how horrible the sound of 2 cats fucking is, I'm really lucky she is a cat person and owns 2 persians.

Her friends come back and she makes me tell them the story about how I gave CPR to a cat. They are also ROFL. I am in there for a long time, she and her friends meet up with other people - there is this guy in the group who seems to be all over her, so I excuse myself and rejoin my friends. Later I reopen her by showing her pictures of Effect's cat. Then I attempt to merge Effect into it. I think I screwed it up a little at this point by talking about how JayDog got his ass whipped by some dominatrixes at Exit.

Emperor wants to leave, so I go for a close with her before I leave - I say, we're having a party to celebrate my friend's oral surgery in a couple of weeks, give me your number and I'll invite you. So I get the number and the email. We drop Emperor off, then me and Effect go to Clarke's for some greasy diner food. I order the chicken salad and fries.

I am improving. My sets are getting longer and longer, I am more relaxed, attempting to close seems natural to me now. Most of all, it is fun now. I may have started with crappier inner game than most people - but now I really believe that if you stay on the path and don't give up you will keep getting better.

A couple of thoughts - Style talks about how he got good by 'chunking' his knowledge, meaning he focused on adding one piece of his game at a time - first opening, then negs, then disqualifying, then DHV's, then bait and release, etc. I am still forgetting to neg and disqualify half the time. Mental note to myself to focus on this one thing until I always do it, just like I always open and root and time constraint now.


208 approaches

On seeing the 100% perfect girl one beautiful april morning

probably my favorite short story

http://www.blueblanket.net/Steph/Make/Visual/Perfect/

by Haruki Murakami

So now we fly ever free We're free before the thunderstorm On towards the wilderness our quest carries on

I never wrote about last Saturday, but it was pretty cool. One of my best sarging nights in the last few weeks actually.

I went out with JCB to Hooters, where we met up with his two buddies Tom and Frank, then we all went to check out his martial arts tournament, which was brutal as hell and actually pretty entertaining. I made plans via text message to go out sarging with JayDog after the tournament, Effect had to work and was not feeling up for going out that night. JCB got lost on the way home so I was way late by the time I met up with JayDog at Salud. It was already like 1 am by the time we got there.

We're standing at the bar when two really hot blonde chicks come up to me - and one of them kisses me! I was shocked. Of course, I open her. Turns out it is a bachelorette party and she's getting married in a couple of weeks. You really can't beat that for a situational opener. Maybe if I was smoother - or if she had more to drink - I could have escalated.

We are walking around when we meet up with my brothers and my brother Lloyd's friends from out of town at the other end of the bar. It was just a really weird night, I couldn't believe I ran into them at Salud of all places. We're sitting around with the guys, just being rowdy drinking dudes, when jayDog decides to start opening the 3 set at the table next to us. He actually has a really good night, but that's his story and I'll leave it to him to tell the tale if he ever decides to do so.

There is a really hot but large set - a 7 set - at the other side of the room and I decide to approach. I open the whole group but wind up talking to a group of about 3-4 of them - I run my whole game, I even seed the fact we're going to this cool club called PJ Clarke's later on. I wind up hitting it off with this tall blonde chick. Talk about a weird night - turns out this 7 set is also a bachelorette party. I bullshit with them for a long time - about, guess what, cookie cake and jealous girlfriends. These girls are wasted and I'm getting all kinds of IOI's from this blonde chick. I wind up walking away and then coming back and reopening her a couple of times that night.

My mistake was going for the venue change and not the number close. Or not going for the number close first before going for the venue change. If I had more experience closing I would have known this, and how it's hard to get a consensus of 7 drunk girls to follow a strange guy to a bar on the other side of town. She tells me she'll meet me there but I never make it there to find out. Boched close, I'm going to totally regret this. I remember how this girl was like, massaging my back and shit.

Later on, I reopen the girl who kissed me, and I hang with her and her bachelorette party for a while. My bros and their friends are amazed, they've never seen me do this type of crap before. I was telling JayDog over late night food at Clarke's that, out of all the dudes there, we had the most game. JayDog had an awesome night and really impressed my bro's friends - one of them even came up to me and told me my friend has a lot of balls to approach girls like that. I felt pretty proud. We had a great night. We sat around bullshitting until like 5 or 6 in the morning about how we love the game, and how much better we're getting. I was really excited, and I had so much coffee to drink that night, that I couldn't fall asleep that night. I just lay in bed thinking about girls and all the fun we're going to have when we get really good at this.

Ever onward. I keep thinking about those blonde girls, but there will be more where they came from. I am counting this day as the day 19 seeding exercise from the Style Life challenge round 2. I've decided to finish it (again), even if it takes me longer than 11 days.

206 approaches

This guy I know is fond of quoting this

"However old you may live to be, you will never have any other joy in the world than these few hours. Savour them to the very dregs, because, after this, there is nothing left for you. This first spring on which you have stumbled is also the last. Quench your thirst, once and for all; you shall not drink again."

Summary of stephen covey's seven habits of highly effective people

stephen covey's seven habits of highly effective people®
habit 1 - be proactive®

This is the ability to control one's environment, rather than have it control you, as is so often the case. Self determination, choice, and the power to decide response to stimulus, conditions and circumstances
habit 2 - begin with the end in mind®

Covey calls this the habit of personal leadership - leading oneself that is, towards what you consider your aims. By developing the habit of concentrating on relevant activities you will build a platform to avoid distractions and become more productive and successful.
habit 3 - put first things first®

Covey calls this the habit of personal management. This is about organising and implementing activities in line with the aims established in habit 2. Covey says that habit 2 is the first, or mental creation; habit 3 is the second, or physical creation. (See the section on time management.)
habit 4 - think win-win®

Covey calls this the habit of interpersonal leadership, necessary because achievements are largely dependent on co-operative efforts with others. He says that win-win is based on the assumption that there is plenty for everyone, and that success follows a co-operative approach more naturally than the confrontation of win-or-lose.
habit 5 - seek first to understand and then to be understood®

One of the great maxims of the modern age. This is Covey's habit of communication, and it's extremely powerful. Covey helps to explain this in his simple analogy 'diagnose before you prescribe'. Simple and effective, and essential for developing and maintaining positive relationships in all aspects of life. (See the associated sections on Empathy, Transactional Analysis, and the Johari Window.)
habit 6 - synergize®

Covey says this is the habit of creative co-operation - the principle that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, which implicitly lays down the challenge to see the good and potential in the other person's contribution.
habit 7 - sharpen the saw®

This is the habit of self renewal, says Covey, and it necessarily surrounds all the other habits, enabling and encouraging them to happen and grow. Covey interprets the self into four parts: the spiritual, mental, physical and the social/emotional, which all need feeding and developing.

Another quote

Failure is not the only punishment for laziness; there is also the success of others.
Jules Renard

Beau's Sig on the Board

Another great quote.

'All game is inner game.' - someone, I forget

'Clean the inside of the cup, and the outside of the cup will be clean also.' - Matthew 23:26

Definition of a man

A man only concerns himself with his future and present quality of life, and not the Lack of quality in his past.

-this is from a post on some message board. It's semi incoherent, but the general sentiment is correct.

Everyone's BAPping

Friday night, everyone BAPped except JCB, who at least stuck it out in the field. After work I met up with Effect and we hit some galleries. There were some sets at the galleries, but we BAPped. JayDog was an enormous pussy and decided to stay home, we tore him a new asshole every half hour via text message and voice mail. We went out to eat at this vegan biker restaurant in Bucktown, Handlebar. Handlebar was filled with hot indie biatches, but of course we BAPped.

We had to meet JCB and some lair guys at Wrigleyville at 10, on the way over we stopped at a Barnes and Noble. I did a set there, some cute blonde trixie biatch. Lousy set, I bail after the opener. She got a kick out of it though.

I get a fifteen dollar parking spot and we meet JCB at Bar Louie. JCB is ready to game. Me and Effect are feeling crappy - Effect is mentally ready to go but he has been battling a case of the flu or something, I had to drive him over to Costco earlier to pick up some prescription antibiotics. After about maybe a half hour of standing around Moe's Cantina with the lair guys, Effect starts feeling sick and we bail. I was in a crappy state due to some personal shit with my ex anyways.

We decide to try one last time and head over to Long Room in Lakeview. We get in a situational set each using this one dorky girl as a prop - she had toilet paper hanging out of her pants after coming out of the ladies room. Effect said my set wasn't going well but I eject early due to my crappy state. What a night. I go home and pass out.

Tonight I'm checking out JCB's martial arts tournament on the South Side, I doubt I'll get any gaming in. I have Monday off, I plan to use the rest of the weekend to take care of some business shit. My dad's birthday is on Tuesday, I still don't know what I'm going to get him.

204 approaches

Appetite for TFAF

I wanted to get all of this crap done over the weekend and I wound up sitting around the house, playing guitar, and going out at night. At least I got the Sweet Child O' Mine solo down. I went to this cookout at my parent's crib on Sunday and ate a lot stuff that will make me fat. No cleaning, reading, or financial organizing got done this weekend.

On Thursday I met up with the JayDog meister in Wicker, where he had been doing his homework at McGearty's. We drove over to Evanston and picked up Effect and Diva from work. While we were waiting at the bookstore for them to get off work, we got a few sets in - cute blonde chick in the cafe, Japanese chick on the stairs, some chick with curly hair and glasses at the magazines who I hit with the Style Life Cosmopolitan routine. They kicked us out of the store at the end of the night and me and JayDog went looking for an ATM - I got an approach in with this blonde chick at the movie theater across the street.

We went to Exit where the below video was filmed. Holy crap is all I have to say. There were some stripper looking biatches getting whipped by the doms. Wow. I got in 5 sets, most of them inconsequential. But that's not the point! The point is, well, check out that video. Haha JayDog is a freak! Then, retreat to Clarkes where we showed off JayDog's back to a bunch of mortified people on the street. TFAF.

Friday night I got out really late from my fantasy football draft, I met up with Effect at Longroom and we went to Darkroom. We were both exhausted from going out all the time last week and decided to call it a night early - 2am, early for us. No approaches.

Saturday night I met up with JCB, we went over to Lincoln Station to watch the Notre Dame game - then we met up with a bunch of dudes - Masterpiece, Hostile, Hostile's friend, this dude Pablo and his friend, at MaxBar. I got in a lot of sets that night at the bar, some on the street - the best one was this short chick, a high school Spanish teacher, long set, I really thought I was in. Then she bails, I find her later but this one dude is all over her. Not a great night for me, I really should be closing for Style Life part deux - man, JCB was in a bad state that night. He was really out of it for some reason. I told him how I really admired his game but it didn't seem to help at all. We also went to this one really cool club called the Apartment, sort of this hip hop place. I ran into my cousin Jason Bryan of all people, he was wearing a shirt that said 'fuck me'.

9 approaches in all on Saturday night. On Sunday I got rejected at the door at Neo, where I was supposed to meet JayDog and Effect, due to my crappy ID. TFAF. It is Labor Day, Monday. I woke up late today, played more guitar, went back to bed. When I got up Effect called, and we went down to Wicker Park for some gaming. I got one set in on the street so far, I might get more in later tonight but that brings my total up to ...


202 approaches

Time is flying. The world turns and I am still the same person, only a little different. A little more confident, some new friends, a little bit of game, a cleaner apartment, some extra money in the bank. I'm not changing fast enough, I have to keep reminding myself to be process oriented and not results oriented, but I'm so impatient. Soon it will be fall, the days are growing colder. My bed is growing colder, I feel so alone sometimes and I just need the warmth of a sympathetic female next to me at night. Just to feel the closeness, and feel connected to somebody again. But then I think, you know, TFAF.

Another Thursday Night Starring JayDog

You ready for this?

Style Life Check

I'm thinking about the upcoming weekend and all the stuff we have to do for Style Life - something like 25 approaches. We have to close too. To be honest, I haven't # closed in a long time - more than a month. I've been telling myself that I'm just going to be process oriented and not results oriented, but it's hard not to be in this situation when it's either close or make a shit ton of approaches, and I really haven't been in the mood lately. I've been going out so much, I feel numb almost, emotionally drained. I don't really care about my approaches anymore except racking up numbers and making sure I get in a DHV.

I went out with Effect yesterday to do day 18 or day 19, I'm not sure - it's the 'seeding' assignment for the Style Life challenge. I got in my one approach with the seed, and seeded 2 more, one with this photographer guy who met us at Clarke's later on. Seems like a cool guy, a bit wacky. We did our early night gaming at the old reliable Wicker Park. The set I approached were thoroughly mediocre looking biatches. I did not care either way whether I succeeded with them, which is typical nowadays for me.

When we went out the other week with the lair and the lair guys were pushing me into sets, I felt like it was too much pressure. And now this pressure to close with the challenge. On top of this my inner game is still shit, I'm having a hard time getting back into it after last week. I don't know why I keep thinking about my ex, she pops into my mind at the weirdest times, and then this feeling of desolation because I know she is not the same person anymore and we couldn't go back to the way it was even if we wanted to, which I don't.

JayDog is actually getting more action than any of us - at least he has gotten to first base, although that wasn't really from an approach. He's also more in touch with his priorities than we are.

There are a few personal projects that I really should get started on, which I haven't had time to due to the Challenge. I believe in the idea of the challenge, but I really think that my problem is inner game, and a lot of fixing my inner game has nothing to do with being out in the field. On the other hand I told myself that I'd see this through. I'm pretty close to reaching my initial goal of 250 approaches a lot sooner than I had planned - I don't feel like I'm acquiring any type of mastery, I feel like I've improved greatly over how I was when I started, but I'm still not where I thought I'd be at this point in my career. Maybe this means I'm going too fast. Maybe this means I have serious inner game problems and have a longer road than most people. Maybe this means that something good is about to reveal itself to me. Rourke mentioned that he just kept plugging away at it, that his approaches just kept going nowhere and then one day he just started to click. I believe the same thing will happen for me, if I stay on this path, hopefully it will be sooner rather than later.

183 approaches