friday

get paid today, have been writing an hb8 for the past couple of days, she lives a little far though (alsip? wth is that). just wrote someone, an hb9 filipina. fingers crossed about that.

guitar lesson tonight, i feel really restless. vague plans to go out to the bars this weekend. what i should really do: stay home and check off as many tasks on the list below as i can, take care of some of that nis stuff for work, practice guitar, work out. prepare for next mon - start of boot camp.

i probably won't last, it just seems too hardcore. i have to finish reading for it too. this restless feeling won't leave me alone. i keep thinking of this hb8.5 that i totally messed up with, listened to the wrong people and such. they say a mistake is worth more than a success because you learn a lesson with each mistake. too bad i'm so clueless because i really liked this one. i feel like i'm changing drastically every day for the better, this change can't come too soon for me. let's just try to think next time before you do something stupid.

goal setting workshop 04/06 + principles of inner game

my purpose: to continue growing as a person in every way, to eventually become self actualized

my top 5 priorities in order
1. my career, education and finances
2. dating attractive women
3. friends and family
4. guitar playing, writing music
5. health

3 things related to each of the above priorities which, when accomplished, will contribute to my overall self esteem, confidence, and personal fulfillment. I will make the accomplishment of the following things the number one priority in my life, as my purpose in life is to continue growing as a person. once i accomplish 3 tasks within an area i will reevaluate what needs to be done. i'm giving myself 2 months to accomplish this initial set of tasks:

my career
1. arrive on time every day, when you are on the clock work the entire time that you are there. deliver every project competently and on time. work overtime or do extra research if you have to.
2. continue to maintain good relations with coworkers. do some reading on improving your people skills.
3. take on more responsibilities whenever possible.

education
1. call akkawi, take care of this.
2. instead of watching tv, always be reading a book about: psychology, economics, politics. read the newspaper/rss feeds from news sites/podcasts.
3. once 1 is accomplished, decide what to do if anything about another degree.

finances
1. pay off outstanding debts, get financial aid situation straightened out, get checking account entered onto computer. get organized!
2. fill out 403b forms, schedule appointment with guy.
3. get tax info and file.

dating attractive women
1. continue to educate yourself.
2. do a boot camp and see what happens - continue to work on your skills especially inner game. remember your 'inner game' is largely tied to the successful completion of all the other items on this list.
3. do not listen to the advice of other people, especially women and your friends. trust only your intuition and your education. play the game. the goal is to be spinning multiple plates.

friends and family
1. continue therapy to sort out family issues
2. continue to be social - but remember to set your boundaries with other people, when in a social situation try to develop your 'observing ego', extend yourself towards other people to improve your confidence.
3. jennifer - package

guitar playing, writing music
1. continue weekly lessons + practice 25-30 hours a week.
2. goal is to have at least 4 covers recorded by the end of 2006.
3. focus on metal rhythm guitar and soloing, a little classical.

health
1. your weight is fine for once, maintain it. lowest weight should be 155-160. focus on diet, regular workouts at least 3 times a week.
2. no smoking, social drinking.
3. get contacts, teeth whitener, rogaine(? not sure if i need this, just to be safe), possibly a tattoo.

good luck. you have 2 months. see you at the end of june!remember: to improve your boundaries, improve your decision making skills in the face of ambiguity. to improve your observing ego, exercise 'the mental pause ala dale carnegie' before any action that could have potentially harmful consequences - do this always, the observing ego is your portable psychologist, to improve your confidence do something that requires courage. everytime you do one of these things, however small, you improve this area of yourself. these three things - boundaries, observing ego, and confidence - add up to your self esteem. the higher your self esteem, the happier you will be.

the inevitable flake

wtf is the deal with this crap. it's getting to the point where i just assume everything i hear is a lie, much easier that way. it's not even phasing me anymore - like if i hadn't sent that angry email telling her off i would probably still be trying to get with the customer service chick.

many lists, all subject to change

my top 5 priorities in order
1. my career, education and finances
2. dating attractive women
3. guitar playing, writing music
4. health
5. friends and family

(i find it interesting friends and family is last on my top 5 list).

3 things to improve each of the above areas of my life, which after accomplishing, will make me a self actualized person, at which point i will have to reevaluate this list again. if i get any of these accomplished, i will check them off and write about it.

my career
-arrive at 8:00 every day from now on. try to avoid staying late if you can help it, but work the entire time that you're there. websurfing is ok, but your work is first priority.
-always have a side project that you're working on, and always be reading a new technical book.
-resolve to be an expert in all technical areas related to your job.

education
-call nu about audit, fill out formz.
-evaluate worth of mba, decide if it's for you, pursue further steps if this is the case.
-if this is not the case, evaluate what type of education you would like to pursue.

finances
-get tax information together, file
-sort mail, balance checkbook, put checkbook on computer, make sure you always track it from now on
-finish forms for 403b at work, make another appointment and submit them. read his materials, he will give you more to read after you meet with him.

dating attractive women
-make more friends in general, be more social. remember to exercise observing ego, to have boundaries, and to have confidence.
-start asking attractive women out left and right. if you come across a good opportunity: always do the right thing.
-read more literature.

guitar playing, writing music
-practice at least 2 hours a day from now on, 6+ on the weekends. this is your number 3 priority in life. go to lessons every week. my style is thrash metal + classical.
-record at least 4 covers at the very minimum by the end of 2006. if you can - more covers, plus originals.
-read about music theory, keep at the classical.

health
-work out at least 4 times a week.
-low fat and carb diet.
-no smoking.

friends and family
-continue therapy, work on these relationships.
...

the type of woman i'm looking for, i'm going to get very specific:

looks
height between 5'3" and 5'8"
caucasian, latina or asian
clothes just have to be decent, not too concerned
long hair, any color
no acne or skin blemishes
pretty face
nice ass
breasts at least a b cup
nice legs and feet

location
has to live within an hour's drive

religion
not important, just personal integrity

education
at least bachelor's from a decent school

job, income
doesn't matter, as long as she's compatible

smoking
no preferably

drinking
drinking is ok

drugs
only pot

marital status
any is ok, but preferably never been married

any children
no preferably

wants kids
yes

personality***
sweet, playful, funny in a goofy and not overly sarcastic way, intelligent, horny, good natured, loyal, honest, confident, fully actualized

hopefully a date this week

this one girl from the dating site i'm on agreed to a coffee date with me. nice, she looks hot. i sent her my number. hopefully i will get some phone time tonight.

affirmations

Try these for every aspect of your life.

Three affirmations of purpose

1. I’M A CONFIDENT MAN, I TAKE NOTHING PERSONALLY.
2. I’M A GOOD AND DECENT PERSON.
3. I FULLY ACCEPT MYSELF.

Three affirmations of self-respect.

1. I COUNT.
2. I’M MOVING AHEAD IN MY LIFE AND GETTING MORE OF WHAT I WANT EVERY DAY.
3. I’M A GOOD PERSON TO BE AROUND.

Three affirmations of serenity

1. I AM AT PEACE WITH MYSELF.
2. PEOPLE ARE LOVING AND KIND TO ME.
3. I SURROUND MYSELF WITH GOOD PEOPLE.

Three affirmations of abundance.

1. I AM THANKFUL TO THE MANY PEOPLE WHO CONTRIBUTE TO MY LIFE.
2. I FOCUS ON MY MANY BLESSINGS.
3. I AM FINDING THE GIFT IN ALL EXPERIENCES.

Three affirmations of power and love.

1. I AM POWERFUL AND I AM LOVING.
2. I AM POWERFUL AND I AM LOVED.
3. I AM POWERFUL AND I LOVE IT.

Three affirmations for life.

1. I AM POWERFUL AND I AM LOVING AND I HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR.
2. I KNOW THAT I COUNT AND I ACT AS IF I DO.
3. I AM NOW TURNING INTO THE BEST OF WHO I AM.

technical death metal

there is a continuation to this story, which i guess is cool, but it is still not going very well. in fact, it's probably done and i'm in the friendzone now.

she calls me back this morning, we talk casually for a few minutes. i should have just kept talking casually but i just feel like i need to tell her 'i was disappointed. it took a lot for me to extend myself like that to another person and you didn't even so much as write me a quick email to say 'thanks i got the flowers'. she tells me 'i loved the flowers, but i'm not going to call just because you want me to'. this escalates, she tells me her friends told her not to call me but she did anyway because she thought i was interesting. she tells me that i'm crazy, that i piss her off, that i called her seven times in one day and that i have way too many expectations of something developing between us. she tells me that i'm probably not right for her and to stop calling her.

i figure, ok, i should just be upfront with her. i tell her i'm not good at dating, that i was in a relationship for six years and that was my first date in six years and i'm just getting used to dating again. i tell her i liked her and did the best that i could at the time, and that i wish i met her a few months later and that she wasn't the first date i had in that long of a time. then we talk some more, and by the end of the call she changes her mind from 'don't contact me' to 'we can be friends, you can call me, but don't be crazy about it'.

after banging my head on the wall for a few minutes, i drive to work and here i sit at my desk, contemplating all the bull**** mistakes i made. set me straight, i absolutely do not want to repeat this again. i want to date women and have fun - why is it that somehow i lose all my strength and wind up getting pushed around by controlling women?

i've been listening to dyd audio books, reading websites. i've met a few women online, none were very interesting. i have a lot of stuff going for me - but my game is basically nonexistent. this is what always happens - i find someone i like and basically throw myself at them. it worked with my last gf, but it generally winds up like this. if someone else comes along that i like just as much, i want to be ready. give me suggestions about stuff i should do or read.

when disaster strikes

here is my situation. i am an idiot and i don't know how to deal with women one bit. i think i set some kind of record of doing all the wrong things in the shortest amount of time. feel free to ***** slap me. this shzt will not happen again. ever.

met a girl on a dating site. i put her on my favorites, she messaged me. we emailed a couple of times. i got the phone number and a tentative coffee date for the weekend. we talked for hours on the phone for the days before the date. on the day of the date she calls and says she would like to meet later. i figure she is blowing me off so i go hang out with my buddies. she calls later, but i'm already out. i come home that night and call her again, and we talk a long time. we talk again a long time a couple days later, at which point i ask her out again, she says yes. i don't call her for a few days until the date. but i email her to remind her.

the girl has various issues with men (people in general actually) due to some traumatic things that happened in her teenage years, which i won't go into. she is not your normal girl, suffice to say. the day before the date she calls me to hang out, i call her back but get her answering machine, we play phone tag a little but i never reach her. on the day of the date i go to the place - she never shows and i go home later to find she had emailed me to tell me that she wants to reschedule for later in the day. i call her later and we talk for a long time again.

the next day i call her, leave a voice mail, she calls back. i say let's hang out. i go over to her house and proceed to have the best date i've had so far in my life. i feel relaxed, convo is great. we drink and listen to music, go for a walk. she made me a mix tape, and suggests we go on a road trip together. we hang out in her bedroom. she tells me, while stretching out on the couch 'i need to get laid'. i don't try to sex her, thinking there's a chance it may lead to not getting a second date. i wind up kissing her a couple of times, then leave. one thing that happened on the date - the phone rang, it was a guy - she throws the phone at me and says 'you talk to him'. she goes to the washroom, i make smalltalk with the guy - he is obviously really bummed out - and hang up. when she comes back i ask why did she make me talk to him. she says 'why are you scared to talk to him?'

i wasn't going to call til a few days had passed, but she calls the next day. i suggest we hang out that night - she tells me a 'friend' is coming over to pick her up to go get ice cream and then she hangs up right away. the next day she emails saying 'we should get together again'. a couple of days pass. on friday i see that she had called several times but not left a message. i go out to the bar with my friends. the bar is loud, i see she has called a few times while i was at the bar, i check my voice mail - she has left 2 angry/annoyed sounding messages. i call her - she is having a party for her sister at her house, there are a lot of people over, a lot of guys. she tells me 'your loss, my gain' then tries to get some dude at the party to come to the phone and talk to me. i tell her to have a good time and i'll talk to her later.

the next day i call - she asks me how was the bar, i ask her to hang out that day, she says she'll call me later that day but never does. the next day i call - she tells me about how that guy at the party tried to hit on her but she didn't like him, i ask her out again, i tell her i'll call her later. i call her but she's not home. i wind up calling her place like 10 times that night. i leave 3 really stupid voice mail messages: one telling her i'm going to leave her alone since it's obvioius she's not answering my calls, one making a really goofy joke, and one saying 'what about that kiss last week, that meant nothing to you?'

probably my worst move of all - i ask what i should do to my ex girlfriend of all people - she tells me to buy her flowers and write her a note. as if it could not get any worse - i call her the next day, she finally answers - she calls me 'crazy' but she is laughing so i think she is still ok with the stupid voice mails. she tells me she was gone all day yesterday, and then asks me 'how many girls are you dating' i tell her 'noone'. i tell her to forget the voicemails, she laughs. then i say 'also forget the flowers i just sent' she goes 'awww'. somehow i manage to screw up even more by telling her that was my first date in five years (after breaking up with my ex).

so now i have decided to send the flowers, like the stupid chump that i am. i send them, along with a stupid note. it has been 3 days she has not so much as emailed me to say 'thanks, i got them'. i left a voice mail on her phone but she has not returned my call.

and that's it. time elapsed: approximately 1 month, fairly average length of time for me. thanks for listening be sure to tip your bartender!