Have a banana

Not a disastrous live performance debut last night, but not spectacular either. One guy got up and did a couple original songs that were really good, my performance couldn't compare to something like that. I don't have much in the way of songs, maybe it would be easier to do this like:

Write songs all along, make that the primary activity or at least spend a day or two a week working on originals. The sooner you have 10-12 originals the sooner you can play a 10-12 song show of all originals which is the goal anyway. Maybe avoid playing live until you have done so much else and are so confident in your playing and material that - not that you won't have any problems, but that you've already done so much else that you pretty much have to take on the issue of performing. I think youtube videos would be a good outlet right now. Maybe write originals, practice covers, make vids of performances - once you have 30 or so vids, then make sure you have 10-12 originals, or maybe around 5. Enough for an album or an EP although you won't want to finish the album until after you have performed live a few times and are really comfortable with playing live. Then maybe write a few more songs and call it an album.

I'm going to write a youtube artist I've been following for a while now and ask her how she did it. I was pretty down last night, I guess I expected to floor everybody I didn't anticipate there not being a mic and PA so nobody could really hear my fingerpicking, and I didn't work on any strumming type songs. I'm going to keep trying, I have a new class next week which should be cool.

Another idea - a blog as an album website.

How we're evolving

I've always loved music. At this point I just want to share my love of music with people through performance. I have one song at this point, ideally I'd like to have at least an album's worth of original songs - I don't know how long I'll have to keep writing songs until I have 14 or so songs I'm satisfied with but I'm going to spend at least one day a week trying to write more songs, I feel like 2-3 hours a week on this process is about right for me right now. I'm not even that great at music. I don't even know if I'm holding my wife and baby's attention very well. I should probably try to see if I can really impress them.

I play a lot of covers, none of them even very well as in I can do the song all the way through without mistakes at a steady rhythm. I printed out some lyrics sheets last week which should be helpful. I have to play at the G next week in front of my guitar class. That's pretty scary, some of them went off in class last week. Nobody in class is a bad guitarist really. Some have been blowing off class. My plan is to have two numbers ready - First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes and I Know You Rider.

I'm in a major Beatles phase, reading all sorts of books on them and jamming their music. Their music makes me happy. Otherwise I keep on doing whatever it is that I'm doing. I love my wife and daughter so much it's sick. This may be the happiest I ever get, I'm actually really happy all the time as long as I get to spend time with my family. Anyways, back to music. I'm just going to let it take over my life, despite my dismal chances of commercial success. And I'm going to recommit myself to being a good husband and father. God I feel like praying every day for this world, I feel like we're always on the brink of some catastrophe. It would be stupid to think there won't be any struggles for the rest of my life, it will take all of my energies to navigate life successfully - I don't know why I spend so much time thinking about the past.

I worry about being too skinny

Work has been arduous and draining. I took some Fridays off this month and am currently enjoying one of my long weekends. I don't think I have the emotional energy to really apply myself at my job lately, I'm probably going to request more vacation days next month too. Relationships with some people on my team are pretty good, I feel like relationships with certain people at work have been damaged unfortunately. I don't know how I could have reacted to certain situations and standing up for myself without making other people angry.

I got a new MacBook Pro, I'm stoked. I've been moving files onto it and installing stuff for the past few days. It's going to take me probably another week until I'm fully settled in with my new laptop. I have a new workflow plan that I plan to stick with on this new laptop - all work related stuff in a linux vm, all personal related stuff in the osx host, and another user account for warez and pron.

I have been playing a lot of guitar, but I'm not satisfied with my playing. My singing is improving but it's still not very polished or confident. I don't think I have any song totally down but I realized I have more than 10 songs at practice level for my repertoire. Sold the SG, that was another eBay ordeal, I'll have to go through it all over again when I get my amp back this weekend hopefully and I have to sell that beast. I have an Apogee Duet coming, soon I'll be fully prepared to start recording again.

Weather is getting colder, soon we won't be able to take N. to the park to play, but the leaves will be changing soon and fall will be nice in its own way. Another year is passing, which in and of itself is sad but this year has been a good year despite everything. K. just called and informed me that her parents were coming tomorrow. They should enjoy the race on Saturday. N.'s dressing up as a chicken this year for Halloween. I haven't called my mom up in a few days.

We joined Galter, which is an awesome pure class health club, but it's also expensive. I guess it's worth it - if I didn't have an indoor running track I wouldn't be able to run outside when it gets colder than 20 degrees or so. We're supposed to go there tonight, my wife's starting to work out again, swimming, yoga classes, and N. stays in the nursery at the club, the ladies who work in the nursery love her and by all accounts she really likes it there. 4 mile run tonight, I plan to listen to some Beatles tonight.

Guitar class is going good - I did a good performance last week, probably the best performance in the class although I'm totally biased. We're supposed to play this bar next week and we can play songs that we choose, I'd really like to have a few of these songs I'm working on ready for Monday night, but that might be difficult with parents in laws coming.

Another job posting

Just to get an idea about what types of skills you should have

Software Engineer - Chicago

This position is based in Chicago, IL.

The area: Software Engineering

's software engineers develop the next-generation technologies for which we've become world-renowned. In addition to revolutionizing search technology, we use our world-class programming skills to innovate in a number of other areas as well. Our projects include working on advanced information-retrieval algorithms, massive scalability and storage solutions, and large-scale applications that enrich the user experience. We also work extensively on networking systems, advertising systems and complex transaction systems in consumer applications.

The role: Software Engineer

Software Engineers have a passion for solving complex and interesting problems. is much more than search, and our mission has much greater scope. To handle information at the scale of the web requires ideas from just about every area of computer science, including information retrieval, artificial intelligence, natural language processing, distributed computing, large-scale system design, networking, security, data compression, user interface design, etc.

Engineers work on many projects that carry varying responsibilities. Below are some examples of the diverse projects with which you might be involved.

Responsibilities:
Write server-side code for web-based applications, create robust high-volume production applications, and develop prototypes quickly. You should also have a strong understanding of, and practical experience with, Java web application development.
Build our platforms, systems and networking infrastructure using your strong background in distributed systems, OS/kernel, network system design, and large scale storage systems.
Build internal systems used by thousands of rs around the world with your domain expertise in HR, Staffing, Legal, and all other corporate functions.
Specialist domains: UI development with AJAX and similar technologies, client application development for Windows/Mac (Chrome, Toolbar, etc.), embedded systems and mobile apps (Android), developer tools (IDEs, large-scale build systems, compilers), internationalization.
Requirements:
BS, MS, or PhD in Computer Science or related technical discipline (or equivalent).
A solid foundation in computer science, with strong competencies in data structures, algorithms, and software design.
Extensive programming experience in C/C++ and/or Java (strong OO skills preferred).
Several years of large systems software design and development experience, with extensive knowledge of Unix/Linux.
Coding skills in Python or Javascript/AJAX, database design and SQL, and/or knowledge of TCP/IP and network programming are a plus.

Self inventory 10/09

Self inventory 10/02/09

Pros
-------
1. Wife and baby. You are part of a loving supportive marriage and are raising a beautiful, wonderful baby girl. For the most part you love your family, are a good dad but you are lacking in some key areas.

2. You are in the best shape of your life, and are close to your ideal weight. You have good hair and clothes but that's sort of a given.

3. You generally have a good heart, you try to treat others with honesty and respect most of the time. This is true, I think, especially in the past several years ever since you started to try to sort your life out. If you have harmed anyone it was out of immaturity, thoughtlessness - you have harmed people deliberately but not in a long time. Most of the harm you inflict in this world is actually on yourself, but you may have caused unnecessary harm to people who care about you.

4. You appreciate music and art, and are close to sharing happiness through art and music with a larger number of people. Despite the amount of time you put into this pursuit, I honestly think it may take more time and dedication, and maybe something like renting out a practice space to work on your singing without feeling so self conscious about it.

5. You try to be a reasonably informed citizen of the world, and your political views are generally in line with your version of morality.

6. Praying often seems like talking to yourself. You still pray as a habit, even if it's just thinking about things in your life when you run which is a sort of prayer. You are skeptical about your faith but you have not entirely given it up, you probably should dedicate some time to sorting out how you feel about Christianity sometime, maybe reading a few books on theology.

7. You are humble, probably to a fault. Despite how proud and egotistical you can be about certain things. Honestly I think I may be at least partly confusing humility with low self esteem.

8. Despite your insecurities, you have the intellect and energy to accomplish anything you set out to do.

Cons
-------
1. You have lost your way and you are unsure about what you want to be when you grow up, or where your career is headed over the next several years and the next 30 years. You need to decide this once and for all, going after multiple outcomes at once is ok, as long as they are prioritized and don't interfere with one another (ideally they should support each other).

--Ok then, 3 things for the next year at least. I figure I'll have a better idea of what I want to do after I've lived with these projects for a while, I'll reevaluate once a year or so.

A. No more advanced degrees, let's just stop at the MS CS - at least for now. Spend your spare time studying about technologies that interest you by doing personal projects - all based around a book database would be a good idea, use goodreads as a model.
B. Try to get an adjunct professor job. It's also ok to pursue professional certifications. Start getting your resume and application materials together.
C. Play guitar live, write and record original music.

2. Let's get honest and say that you still have addiction issues, and it's damaged your relationship with your wife because she has caught you lying and has lost some amount of trust in you. This problem is very small, compared to the past, but it still exists. You desire to eliminate these issues from your life permanently, but it's just a bad idea and just feeds into your low self esteem. An extended period of sobriety of at least 10 years would be ideal, this seems difficult though.

I don't know what to say about this other than I'm going to have to follow through on promises I've made to myself. My success in other areas will depend on this.

3. You are lazy sometimes, feeling sorry for yourself triggers lethargy.

Job posting

These are the business skills I want, from an actual job posting

Business Title: Staff Software Engineer
Requisition No.
Work Location: San Jose
Shift: Day

Primary Job Responsibilities:
is one of , Inc.'s three revenue-generating business units, in addition to Marketplaces and . ’s mission is to build the web's most convenient, secure, and cost-effective payment solution. With more than 130 million accounts, presence in 103 countries and 17 currencies, and payment volume in excess of $40 B per year, is the clear leader in global online payments.>>>
Apply



Risk Management is 's key competitive advantage. Our ability to enable revenue, prevent fraud and manage credit and other risks in online transactions and markets makes us the largest and fastest growing online payments company in the world.

We are looking for exceptional, senior software engineers with a strong command of C++ in a UNIX/Linux environment to help lead the ongoing design and development of ’s core technology platform. The ideal candidate has a strong understanding of relevant web protocols and design patterns. Strong problem solving abilities will be critical for success.

You will:

Work with team architects to define requirements and approach
Drive both high-level and detailed technical design documents and conduct design reviews
Provide feedback on architectural and implementation enhancements
Provide technical guidance to other software engineers
Implement new, highly scalable and available architecture components using C++ and XML/XSL frameworks in an Apache/Linux environment
Enhance and maintain existing components of the core platform
Participate actively in team and company wide architecture discussions
Employ technical expertise to help team members overcome technical problems
Adhere to release/project schedule and milestones

Job Requirements:
Bachelors Degree in Computer Science is required and MSCS preferred
A range of levels is available, targeting engineers with anywhere from 4+ yr of experience to 10+ yrs of experience
Ability to self-organize and work effectively within a small team with minimal supervision
Experience developing secure transactional software products
Expert level C++ skills are required with demonstrated ability to resolve complex problems
Strong verbal and written communication skills are required due to dynamic nature of discussions with other engineering and product teams
Experience with refactoring in an object-oriented environment is a plus
Prefer expert level SQL skills with demonstrated ability to tune and optimize database queries
Prefer knowledge of Oracle RDBMS performance tuning and query optimization (or other large commercial databases)
Prefer knowledge of QA Automation processes and tools
Prefer familiarity with ClearCase and ClearQuest
Knowledge of HTML, XML, Java, UML is a plus
Education Bachelors Degree or Equivalent