Sophia aka Shmoopie

Effect asked me why I am still hung up on my ex. I told him I don't know why, it has been about 8 months since we broke up and I am pretty much over her now. It's not like I am calling her or that I want her back or anything. Honestly, I think about her every day - but it's not like I'm plotting ways to get her back or I'm still in love with her. I just wish her the best and hope that she finds whatever it is that she is looking for in life.

We went back to Evanston today, walking to my car I took a quick walk around downtown and saw a lot of the familiar landmarks that were so part of my daily life back when we were together. I guess that, and the fact that it is fall again and people are starting school, brought on a lot of melancholy. I will always associate her with grad school and the city of Evanston. If I think about my ex these days it is only for a minute, until I push the thought of her out of my head - if I think of her at all, I mainly feel nostalgic for the past and I wind up missing someone that I shared so much of my life with over the past five years. Someone who doesn't exist anymore, at least not as she once was.

I'm a different person too these days. For a while I was really lost without her, and I was just drifting through life not caring about myself or what happened to me. I still feel this way sometimes and I have to constantly check myself when I get this way. Those days are gone, I have to get myself together and think about the future and what is to become of me. Those dreams I had of becoming a great man so that she would be proud of me, those are good dreams and I should want that for myself even if we are not together anymore. I was telling my therapist that it was weird how I felt so driven and productive when we were together - she made me believe in myself, and she made me feel unconditionally accepted. I'm learning to do these things for myself now, minus the baggage of the 'relationship' :P - so in the end it will be all for the best. I just hope she's happy out there, I don't answer the phone anymore when she calls but I hope she knows that I'll always be her friend.