I'm totally losing it

Dating is just too much for me right now, I should probably just take a break and work on my life/career/interests and just chill with the dating, especially the online dating. I've just been on edge the whole week about everything - my job, relations with my family, money, the women I've been dating. Also I've been talking again to my ex, just to say hi on a totally platonic basis since I still consider her a good friend even though she totally screwed me over, and now she's flirting again a little with me, telling me about how she is unsatisfied with this guy she's seeing now and how good it is to talk to me again - maybe that's what's got me so wound up but I tend to think it's even deeper than just that. My inner game is just messed up. I don't have my sh** together, spending all my free time trying to meet women on the internet or during Boot Camp, going on dates, calling women - these are just distractions from what I know I have to do.

I've dated about 4 women in the past month or so, about one a week - that's not bad for an rAFC. I can get numbers, I know that I am awesome on the phone, I know I can have great dates, I can kiss close, I've even gotten a little action, but *I can't get beyond the first or second date*. I'm guessing that this is because they eventually catch on using 'women's intuition' or something that I'm posing to a certain extent. I may be C+F and look cute, but something is off, I know they can sense that I have a lot of inner turmoil. Hell, I remember going out with this one girl - I thought I was being all smooth throughout the entire night, and she just looked at me and said 'you look so sad, like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders'. I wasn't fooling her. I'm just not in control and I don't have my life together right now. Women can sense that. And I'm living for the temporary validation of being involved with a beautiful woman - I'm not living for *myself*.

The first step was quitting drugs. I was so apathetic because I was just stoned all the time and all I wanted to do was play my guitar. I have a list of like 50 things I've been putting off. It's time I got to them - things like finish decorating my place, finish up a couple of outstanding projects at work, get my finances together. It will be easier to date once I have these things done. Hell I couldn't even take HB asian goth rocker back to my place last week because it was a frikkin mess and I was too ashamed of how much of a slob I am.

So to recap my 2006 so far:

-my LTR of 5 years broke up on new years, she had been frikkin cheating on me. Basically shattered my belief in love and relationships. I was a walking zombie at work - I would sit in my cube and just be miserable and stare at the screen, paralyzed with depression. Then I'd go home and I wouldn't know what to do with myself because I was so used to her being there and now she just wasn't, in fact she had betrayed me.

-so I basically spent the months of Jan-Feb in a deep deep depression.

-in March I started seeing HB french chick - turned out to be a total psycho attention *****. This one I royally screwed up by being an AFC - that's how I came here. But for a couple of weeks I had some awesome dates and I was happy again, that is until I totally screwed it up with some stupid AFC moves that caused her to lose all respect for me. What I learned from this one: don't be an AFC, no chick is worth your dignity, basically started to educate myself and reading a lot of DJ literature. Oh yeah, and if a chick is half naked writhing in bed talking about sex, even on the first date - then go for it. You only get one chance usually.

-a coffee date with someone who totally misrepresented herself, made absolutely no sense when she talked, was much uglier than her pictures. I basically flew out of there and never contacted her again. What I learned: not much, other than women misrepresent themselves online just like guys do.

-date with HB religious chick.
-date with HB asian goth rocker.
These two were ok, I wasn't that into either of them, the dates went fairly well though, or at least I thought they did. Convo went well, I even got kiss closes. It was still somewhat disappointing when they eventually started not returning my calls sometime after the first or second dates. I'm still not sure exactly why. I have theories: with the asian gothic rocker, she had just broken up with someone, she was whining about her ex cheating on her even on our date, she wrote me and said she just wasn't ready to date. I don't entirely believe her but whatever. I also think I might have kino'ed them both a little too hard. I was all over the asian goth rocker in the car, and she kept telling me 'no I don't know you well enough' and pushed me away as I kept kissing her. With the religious chick, I was really stupid and assumed from various things she said in conversation that she was a virgin, and when I basically let it slip that I thought she was a virgin in conversation - she seemed a little offended and said 'no I'm not a virgin'. I also kissed her at the end and she gave me this weird look, but then she told me to call her later. Who knows what happened with her. I met both these women online and I know both of them get a *ton* of messages as they're both pretty attractive, so I'm guessing that they're not too worried about it.

Today I asked out this girl I had been emailing with for the past few days and she basically told me that she'd like to, but is busy with a big project at work and let's just keep talking and maybe later we can go out when she is done. I took this as a flake/blow off, and I just lost it. I sent her this angry email - I was like 'whatever, don't contact me again then. you're probably ugly in person anyways'. Totally immature, no self control at all. I felt a lot of remorse after I sent that email and I deleted my online profile. I won't be dating online for a while. Then I decided maybe I shouldn't be dating at all right now - just work on myself for a while. Thing is, life is just more pleasant and exciting when there are pretty girls to think about.

So that's my plan. I'm not sure how long it'll take to get my sh** together - just from this list of things I've been putting off it looks like it will take me at least a few weeks. I was in the midst of a Boot camp, but looks like everyone's basically quit that anyways. I might continue the BC on my own though, or at least the part where I strike up friendly conversation with strangers. I actually found that part to be enjoyable, it actually brightened my day. And I will continue to read literature and listen to DJ audio books. When I am done with all the sh** I have to do, hopefully I will have a better time at dating. See you on the other side...
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