Untouched

Just remembered my dad's going in for surgery tomorrow to have a cancerous area removed. I've been feeling really on edge yesterday, to the point where I was driving my wife crazy, this probably has a lot to do with it. I'm glad that all the holiday festivities are done, for the most part - I mean there's NYE tomorrow night, but we're not planning a huge outing to a nightclub or anything, I think we're either staying home or spending it with my mom and dad at the hospital. House is still a mess, even after K. and I worked on it for several hours last night after I pouted about it and gave her a lot of shit for not helping around the house, which I realize now was not fair to her. Feel so out of balance right now. Work is going slow, I have not had a lot of extra time to spend on getting caught up at work. I don't really believe in New Year's resolutions, if I did then I'd have too many to keep track of - really apply myself at my job next year, apply for a new job maybe, read a book a week, train for a half marathon, record 10 songs this year. Probably out of all of those the one about my job is most important, that's the only way I'm going to get some extra income, move my family out of our current house, and finally be happy about what I do for a living. Things seem very hard right now, very solemn and grim. Maybe it's winter, or this fucking recession. I took a look at what 2 bedrooms with parking are going for in my building these days - holy crap that was depressing. Maybe I should set aside a couple of hours later this week, do some meditating and a weekly review. Maybe I should go out running again - it's warm out again, I better take advantage of that.

Anyways, other than this relentless grimness, N's first Christmas went really well. She partied with her cousin C. at my mom's house, then we got up early Christmas morning and drove 85 mph to make it to Christmas brunch at the Inn with all our family in MI. That side of the family is really nice, they all love N. We also went on a sleigh ride with my mom in law's employer's family, which was really fun. They had a huge bonfire out in the woods with hot dogs and pasties and marshmallows, I've never done anything like that before. Me and the father in law also went ice fishing with some of the uncles, that was a blast. I'm just glad my wife and N. had a good Christmas, our first Christmas together. It's not surprising to me that my warm holiday cheer evaporates the minute I go back to work and remember that my dad's going in for surgery again. K. was crying a lot last night. I must be delightful to live with these days. I really shouldn't take out all my career frustrations out on her, she doesn't deserve that crap. God our daughter is so cute, she's talking a lot these days, it's hilarious to hear her trying to hold a conversation. Soon she won't be a little babbling infant anymore, but a little girl that runs around and talks, at that point it'll really seem like the 3 of us and not just me and K. and this helpless baby that we have to fend for constantly. I wonder what she'll look like when her hair grows in, what her first word will be - stuff like that. You worry about them so much, you never want them to ever get hurt, or frightened. You just want them to be happy all the time.