Alone in the chain, it remains to be seen how well you can play when the pawn takes a queen now

I'm at the office early today, the boss just sent an email saying no managers will be around today, but feel free to leave early this afternoon to get an early start on the holidays. Feel bloated already and the celebrations haven't even started. It's been sub zero blizzard weather around here for more than a week. I've been trying to keep the faith with watching my diet and going to the gym, but the past couple of days it's just been too cold outside and difficult to walk in with all that snow. The other night K. came home from a 'holiday cookie baking party' with her girlfriends with a TON of delicious cookies and fudge. So I've been munching on those for the past few nights. We're going to be bringing the rest to my mom's tonight for Christmas eve. Our plan is to spend Christmas eve in Chicago, then we're going to get up early tomorrow and drive to Michigan. We should be in Michigan until the 29th, visiting K's family. I get so restless whenever we go for an extended trip to Michigan - I feel like I just sit there and there's nothing for me to do. The weather seems to be warming up today - precipitation was coming down as a mixture of rain and snow on my way to work. Yesterday I thought I might just take the week off from dieting and working out, lord knows I haven't given myself a break since June when I really started training hard.

This blog will be 4 years old. I feel like this entire year has been about me settling down into a domestic situation with my wife, becoming more connected with my family, and having N, while the year before was about my whirlwind relationship with K. and moving in together. It's not like I've devoted all my time to focusing on my career with a laser like intensity. I think about Balzac, who swore off women and even when he broke down and visited prostitutes lamented that 'there goes another novel'. It just seems to me sometimes that science, art, literature, etc. is accomplished by geeks sublimating their sexual urges for their art. I don't think I could do this personally, I mean I tried and it worked for a time, but I guess I eventually cracked. There has to be a way, of course the answer is 'balance' - but has anything great ever been done by someone who stops working at 5 o'clock, goes home and walks the dog, and goes shopping at Target with the kids on Saturdays? That's the stupid shit that I worry about as I waste another hour of my life on something other than learning new things, creating a piece of software, starting a company, updating my resume and looking for a new job.

My friend Paddock sent me a bunch of awesome burned albums for Christmas and I've really been digging them. I'm starting to get back into following new music again, after being apathetic/indifferent to 'hipster' culture for a long time. I just discovered Stereogum and have been downloading zip files of their top 50 MP3s as well as the Pitchfork top lists - I also brought my terabyte hard drive to my brother's house and stole my brother's and cousins' MP3s off their computers. I'm going to fill this terabyte hard drive with all my old shit also and finally get my music collection organized. It's funny, I'm like the 'hipster dad' who 'reads all the music blogs' that hipsterrunoff makes fun of. I just like music, I need tunes for running and driving around town with my wife.

It doesn't feel like Christmas, despite all the snow. The country is in the midst of a huge recession, I'm constantly worrying about money - not that we're bad off or in danger of losing our house or anything. I still feel the need to smile and keep up appearances. Last year felt more like Christmas and we spent it at the hospital with my dad while he prepared for his heart transplant. Honestly I feel really stressed out, every time I look at my wife and baby I'm reminded that their well being and happiness is my responsibility. The truth is they deserve a bigger house and only the best in life, but I'm not sure how I'm going to provide it for them. The answer of course is that I have to place the appropriate value on my life, concentrate on my career, believe in myself, and the universe will respond to the positive energy that I'm putting out into the world. It's very difficult though, I feel like all my free time is taken up with the baby. K. bought this 'christmas stocking needlepoint kit' - you know, the felt christmas stocking with embroidered angels or reindeer or something that your mother made for you when you were a kid. My mom made me one a long time ago with a picture of Snoopy on it that still hangs in her house every Christmas. Well I guess K. felt the need to make one for N., the thing is K. is very slow at things like sewing - so it's been almost a month and she has not finished it yet. But I have to hold N. on my lap and play with her and talk to her and feed her etc. while K. does her sewing. It's driving me batty. I can't even play freaking guitar, and I can't get extra stuff done for work. How am I supposed to be excellent at life when there's no time to do anything? I've found an answer, sort of. The past few weeks I've been getting up a couple hours early during the week - to get extra work done - which frees me up a little more in the evenings. It's a brutal schedule though, I get so tired, especially with all the exercising, last week with the blizzard like weather I guess I just gave up trying to follow this schedule. After Christmas I will try again. This is really my only option, otherwise I will never improve at my career/record more guitar songs/earn more money. Time is the most valuable thing you have in life, and I've squandered so much of it - I feel like I'm past the halfway point already in terms of living a vital life. But the thing is, you have to deal with your life now, especially now that I have my family to look after. There's enough time to do everything I ever wanted to do, I just have to find the resolve inside myself to make these things come true.