It pays to talk to noone

We had an emergency medical situation with the baby last week on vacation, it kind of spoiled the trip for me. We're back now, we're both still feeling jetlagged, the baby's fine - she just gave us a scare. Santa Clara was semi boring, but I learned a lot at the conference, felt inspired at the time but now I just feel really tired. San Fran - what we got to see of it - was really cool, I still feel like NYC and LA are cooler places to live, and I still kind of prefer Chicago although as I grow older I become more intolerant of the winters. I had to move offices the past couple of days so everything's been up in the air. Feeling drained. I found out today that I missed the registration deadline for my upcoming 10k race, so I'll have to sign up for another race that takes place in April. I'm just continuing on out of sheer habit, with my reading, with my running and training, with work. Still have faith that good things will eventually happen. Party at a friend's house on Saturday. Probably the few things in life that truly make me happy at this point - my wife and baby, playing guitar, music.

I remember being young but feeling old, not worrying about anything although I should have been worried about everything. Laying awake at night on a bed of clothes and unopened mail, not knowing what was going to happen to me, stuck in time while people all around me were passing me by, a joke to people who knew me but living this idealized life that existed only in my head. We are writing our future every minute of the day, what I wish I knew back then was that you can choose to stop at any point and declare this is the point at which I'm going to turn my life around, it's never too late - would I still feel this way if I was 60? My guess is yes but my goals would be different and have more to do with making peace with the past. I don't feel the need anymore to make peace with the past, I want to live fully in the present and conquer the future. That point came for me when I decided I loved my wife and we had a child. And it's been a gradual unfolding process as I unlock my mind. I feel my life turning gradually on its crooked axis. I had a dream that I played piano, and everything my hands did on the keyboard produced beautiful music. And our culture fills me with trepidation, not only for me but for my daughter.

I need to start recording myself again, it will be hard when J. comes to store my electric guitars, amp, and pedals at his place, so we can make room for N. And I really want to get a group together or at least start playing out again - and this time I'll actually be good. But older, and not so good looking. I go running and I play the same song on repeat for miles. I get obsessed with music that way, sometimes it's a song, sometimes it's an album. None of the cunts I grew up with would understand the things that I value, and what it is that I do. They've let public school, then college, then work, completely kill the creative process for them. I don't care if I never fit in, it doesn't matter anymore.