Fourteen years is a long winter

Taking a sick day from work today, have a really bad viral something or other. N. came back from day care last week with a virus and I immediately caught it - K. however is immune so far, due to her exposure to all kinds of childhood germs on the job. Now is not the best time for me to get sick, but there's nothing I can do about it. Had a really bad temperature over the weekend, bad cough, bad congestion and allergies. Felt like my head was burning up and there were a million tiny allergy insects running around my sinuses. N. had a bad fever as well, the same symptoms, of course we were really worried about her. I'm laying around today with her, watching her sleep, playing her cartoon videos on youtube, feeding her bottle when she cries. She's sleeping right now and I'm watching a documentary about Nico on youtube.

Have been all over the place lately. Have been too sick to get anything done, no reading, no programming. I tried to record some stuff but I'd make it halfway through a take then I'd cough and it would be ruined. I'll try again when I'm better in a couple of days. No working out - at least yesterday. Despite my fever we went to Wishbone for brunch - God that was good food. Coffee, eggs florentine, lemon poppyseed pancakes drizzled with cream and blueberry preserves. I'm hungry right now, but there's nothing in the fridge unless I want to cook something. K.'s supposed to be bringing some stuff home for dinner.

Have been in a very dark mood lately, maybe the sickness has something to do with it - they come on at around the same time. I feel like I know a hundred songs but I won't really know them fully unless I record them. I feel like I won't be able to write a really good original song until I master the songs by other people that are in my head. That really has nothing to do with my dark mood, which has everything to do with frustration at my inability to change in the face of all the demands life is pressing on me. Noone loved Nico, and Nico loved noone. I thought that I was like Nico, for a while, a long while. And then I met my wife and I knew how easy it was to be loved, and how difficult it was to be loved unconditionally. I can never live up to it and keep tearing down images she has of me.

When N. is happy, she makes a growling noise like a small animal, like a baby bear or something like that. It's really amusing. Sometimes when she sits up she seems like a little meerkat. We wake up, I bounce her on my chest a little, feed her, we growl at each other, I carry her around the house while she growls at me. Funny stuff. K. just called - she is getting sick too, she says. So there's a chance we may all be laying around the house tomorrow. I made a photo slide show in iMovie about our recent trip to San Francisco. I had a great time on that trip, I'll always remember it.