I ring the doorbell in your mind But it's locked from the outside

So much of my life I felt as if I was cursed, that no matter how hard I tried to change my life I was doomed to constantly disappoint my loved ones, to fail, to never being able to enjoy anything in my life. I felt like my father put this curse on me, to hold me down so that I would never be as good as him. I know this is irrational, because my dad loves me despite all of the epic differences we've had over the years, my twisted mind would blame everything on him when in fact I never had anyone to blame but myself for my problems. This curse generally manifested itself in my life through my monumentally low self esteem, God I'm in my late 30's and I'm still struggling with these low self esteem issues. I'm a married man and a father, and I'm still struggling with self doubt at every turn - and this crazy self image that sabotages all of my successes. Some examples: procrastination about my final class for my Master's at Northwestern spoils the one good thing I ever did academically.

Lately I've started to look at my life in a different way. I like to imagine that curse is 'over', and now my baby daughter has cast another spell on me. This time it's a 'positive curse' in which I'm forced to live up to someone else's high expectations of me. I shouldn't project so many irrational thoughts on my dad, he was my biggest supporter for most of my life, even when I didn't believe in myself anymore, he doesn't deserve to be maligned in such a way.