I can stand to be a fixture in a faded family picture

So I practice guitar on average about 2 hours a day. Playing an instrument is sort of like learning a sport I guess, or developing as a writer. You keep trying to improve with deliberate practice, then you arrive at these sort of plateaus when you realize you have mastered certain things, and then you sort of coast for however much time just enjoying the level you're currently at. I notice as I go on that I recognize these plateaus much earlier and push myself to delve into another round of deliberate practicing. I feel like I went from being totally unsure of myself to striving to improve to feeling over confident to feeling like a beginner all over again. I also feel like I've given way too much weight to my musical endeavors over the past decade of my life, and it really hasn't gotten me anything. I haven't recorded much or performed much. I guess the most I've gotten out of it has been some enjoyment playing for my wife, the appreciation of various people who've heard me play over the years, etc. I'm probably still too insecure of my playing, and I don't have much desire to pursue songwriting.

What else. The iPhone is really rocking my world, I'm addicted to iPhone apps, especially the ones that are like little musical instruments. I started running, or training for races, in July of 2008 - since then I've lost about 21 pounds. I was losing weight at a pretty rapid pace but remained at the same weight for most of the winter. Lately I'm starting to lose again. I was thinking back to when I was in college, I guess I weighed about 5 to 10 lbs less than I do now, I lost even more weight when I lived in NYC, and I weighed about 15 to 20 lbs less than I do now. Part of it is diet. I'd skip meals all the time in my 20s, and these days I usually eat 3 meals a day. I don't take supplements, I don't eat 'six small meals' as it seems too difficult to pull off with my schedule. I just try to eat sensibly and I monitor my caloric intake. I just figure with all the running I do, I should be able to enjoy eating and not have to live like a bullemic model. 21 lbs in 10 months, I guess that's not very rapid weight loss. My metabolism is probably slowing down too, so it's harder for me to lose weight no matter how much I run.


My life is actually very narrowly defined right now - there is work, there's reading and blogging, there's running and training for races, there's guitar and music in general, and there's my family. Mainly family to me these days means my wife and baby, and my brothers and my parents. Honestly I feel distant from my brothers and parents, I don't necessarily like having to admit that but I also feel like there's not a lot I can do about it. We are after all, middle aged men, my parents are old, there's a lot of water under the bridge. I've spent 4 years blogging about my personal problems on this site, most of which are connected to my family in some way, I've went on and on about the various dramas of my family, imagined or otherwise - and I feel like I've only really scratched the surface. I think one of the things I'm starting to realize as I get older is that I may have to accept the fact that I may never resolve some issues that I've had since childhood. My relationship with my parents and brothers may always be frustrating and disconcerting. I may never be completely satisfied with my life - even if I go on to achieve everything I think I want to do at this point in my life. I've already come to terms with the fact that huge patches of my life - years, decades of my life - are gone, wasted on nothing. I'm growing old, and I'll never get that time back, and there are some people that I've lost as friends that I totally regret losing. I'll have to live with that.

I think about my wife and about married life, how it's limiting, and you wish you could do certain things, how you can't even go out drinking with friends anymore and thinking that those friends will eventually move on without you. Thinking that I can't be with another woman for the rest of my life seems a little unreal to me, even now that I've been with her for a couple of years. But married life is also comforting, and the thought of not being with my wife - I don't even like to think about it. Likewise if something were to happen to N. Life develops rigid boundaries but that's actually good for me because I was all over the place when I was a young single guy. The thought of these people depending on me seems to be keeping me in check a lot more than my parent's disapproval, or personal ambition ever did. There are some things I want to remember to tell N. when she is old enough to understand, she may not take them to heart but I feel like I must tell her:

When you are growing up, treasure the friends you make along the way and keep them forever. Reward any spontaneous acts of friendship with loyalty, they are a sign that you've found an important person in your life. Remember that the significance of someone may not be clear to you for many years.

Love your parents and siblings unconditionally, no matter what happens. It is inevitable that your relationship will be tested throughout the years.

Hard work is the key to success and hard work will always win out over talent. Often what most people see as talent is merely the by product of hard work. Everything is possible. When you are in high school and college, your reason for living should be to a) find out what you want to do for the rest of your life as a career and b) doing everything necessary to assure your success in that field. Usually this means grades are the most important thing, not your social life. You can always have a social life despite your responsibilities - and your social life will not be enjoyable anyways if you know that other areas of your life are being neglected.