The still point of the turning world

Did I mention the lowest point of last year? This was in October - when the police officer took me into the room with the tinted glass on the walls, and he took my pictures and my fingerprints. Then he gave me one call, and I called my mom, who sounded more sad than hysterical. Then he told me to just sit there until my family came to pick me up. He closed the door and I took a look at myself in the tinted glass but I turned away quickly because I couldn't stand to look at myself, then I stared at a point on the wall and let my mind go blank as I started counting backwards from 100.

I never mentioned going to the police station because, well, it's not exactly 'positive fun', and I'd rather forget about it. When I opened my eyes, and was led out into the reception area, JCB and Effect were there to bail me out. Things were bad for a few weeks afterwards, but I eventually dealt with my problems and felt well enough by Christmas. I haven't really recovered the state that I had in the middle of the summer. I think meeting AHBRussianGirl around Thanksgiving brought me back to life, but I'm still not where I should be - because in my heart I know there are a couple of major problems in my life that are still unresolved. They have been eating away at me for a long time, and it's time I acknowledged them.

What I am saying is that, I may not write for a while, or I may slip again into depression, but it is for the best - these things that I refer to are the last remaining problems in my life I can think of that I have not completely owned. I need to face up to them in order to eventually, someday, be right with myself again.

On the coldest night of the year, as the city lies sleeping beneath a blanket of snow, I am preparing to take a hard look at some things that I've been neglecting for too long. I feel scared. Hopefully this will end a cycle of bad karma that began when I quit my old job, my ex girlfriend broke up with me, and I decided that I didn't care about myself anymore.