In the world so many useless bodies, so much traffic

New Years Eve passed quietly, we kept my dad company in the hospital, then I went home to cook dinner for K. The next day we took N. shopping at Water Tower Place, I think it was her first time shopping downtown, she loved all the people and lights. Sunday of the first weekend of the year, I spent running errands for my mom, who was preparing for my dad to come home from the hospital - I had to run back and forth from Home Depot to get some supplies for this shelving system she was building with my uncle to surprise my dad upon his return. K. stayed home with N., preparing for her first day back at school. K. has been working out a lot lately, I'm pretty happy about that, it will be interesting to see my wife when she's back in her triathalon shape. I remember being very stressed out and anxious that weekend, but trying to keep it inside, as I've described previously in my journal. I think everyone in my family was on edge, waiting for my dad's test results to come back from the hospital. They finally came back the day I went back to work - I got a call from my mom at work, she told me that they found some more cancer in my dad's body, that this was due to his anti-rejection drugs after his heart transplant, and that he has to see an oncologist now and will most probably need chemo. I still don't know how to deal with this piece of information myself - I'm worried for my dad, he's already been through so much with all the operations he's had in the past year, I don't know how he'll manage to go through chemo. I'm worried for my mom. There's a real possibility that my time with my dad is very limited, and yet I still don't communicate with him very well. I think about my long and convoluted relationship with my dad - all our disagreements over the years, all the times I've let him down as a son, and I get so choked up. It feels like nothing I can do now will ever make up for all the bad times. And yet our relationship has been improving so much the past few years. I try my best to show him that I love him, hopefully he knows that. Hopefully he looks at the baby granddaughter every day when she's staying at his house and knows that I love him.