Random thoughts as I drift off to sleep

My plates are dropping. I feel like letting them drop and starting over. They were never really solid, except for HBPhoneSex, who's like in love with me or something, and HBRussianGirl when we first met. I felt like such a stud last Sunday, waking up from sex with HBPhoneSex in my bed, I go to check my email and there's this total HB9 who wrote to me on the online personals. So I write her back and ... nothing. That's happened to me a lot lately. I call that the 'email flake'. I don't understand what I wrote that could have caused the email flake. Honestly I've given up trying to figure it out. Women are spinning plates too, and as much as I hate to admit it, they oftentimes let my plate drop because they feel others are more important.

So I'm having a string of bad luck online lately. In person is not that great either, except for last weekend. HBRussianGirl keeps texting me. Last night I told her that I will hang out with her again if she pays for dinner. So far I have not heard from her. Right now I have no expectations, I have to remind myself to be positive all the time because honestly being out there in the dating world is pretty tough. One thing that is good is that I'm demanding better treatment in relationships these days, and I'm finding it easier to recognize when something isn't working out or someone is giving me second class treatment.

HBFrenchGirl used me. I don't know why she used me. I feel angry when I think about these women. I go into dating situations with an open heart, and a sincere desire to be a decent human being and friend. What do I get? Rejection, lies, evasiveness, manipulation. Maybe this is just standard behavior with women. In all honesty I haven't known any good women in my life. Every single woman has let me down, even Sophia eventually, and in the worst way possible.

I don't know what I'm going to do about HBPhoneSex. Last weekend shouldn't have happened, honestly. I just want somebody new in my life. I feel like I'm trying really hard to keep these quasi relationships going in the face of low interest level. One thing that is good is that it is spring again, and I will be going out more often. I'm much better at approaching than I used to be, maybe some good things will happen at the bars. God I feel kind of old to be bar hopping, especially at some of these places I usually go to.


I have been doing very well career-wise, and have been making strides financially, I've had a lot of successes outside of sarging. I'm having a lot of fun when I go out, even despite my women problems, and I'm getting along well with my family. I'm starting this really hardcore diet and exercise regimen - it should last two months, just in time for summer. Maybe it's time to not think about where love is going to come from next. Maybe it's time to let go of any expectations. I said before that my other priorities are more important than girls, it's much better in the long run if you are a balanced person with a variety of interests. I've been focused for so long on - what, sarging, partying, going out, figuring myself out, cheating the slow onset of time, chasing the illusion of beauty. I feel like my whole life I've been trying to recapture a past that never was. Maybe it's time to think about other things for a while.