Right As You Run

I know this guy who is a friend of a friend of my wife's. He is a single guy who owned a 3 br condo in , kept that place while he bought another place in . In order to afford these two places he would have to make a lot more than me and K. combined. How does he do it on a teacher's salary? His parents spoil him, his parents are both doctors, and he is an only child. I bet if you talk to him he'll say that he's worked hard for everything he has. I have been thinking about this dude, who is even more spoiled than my brothers are. I always compare myself to other people, it's not healthy. Probably a lot of people would say that I have it easy, and I think that I have the hardest life of anyone that I know. Me and K. have to be smart - nobody is helping us.

It's been a weird week. I've been working from home pretty much all week, due to the second to worst blizzard in Chicago history, and snow 10 feet high piled up in the alley behind our garage. I've actually been enjoying it, it's an opportunity to spend time with my family, play with my kids, watch movies. People are rioting in Egypt, I keep worrying about the economy, and this constant feeling of impending doom that does not go away. I remember this documentary I watched said that to be modern means to accept the fact that you could be annhialated at any minute, I'm paraphrasing. When I'm with my family, all that goes away and I'm happy. Also, it's easier to worry about my tiny little world and my petty ambitions than it is to worry about these huge macro issues that I can't even control.

They say that everyone has his Mt. Everest - it could be writing an album, writing a book, creating your own business, growing the largest watermelon in three states - it's different for everybody. Everyone will forgive you if you don't reach your goal, but on your deathbed you will be left with an empty hollow feeling if you don't make at least one serious attempt in your lifetime to reach the summit. Is my Everest raising a family? is it writing an album? is it being successful at my career - and what does that even mean? I can see myself in 40 years on my death bed. Probably if I never make an album I will feel some remorse, if I never advance in my career I will also feel regret at all the time I wasted when the kids were young that I could've spent becoming better at my job. I am always yearning for something better for myself, yet I don't know what I want. I'm also paralyzed as I've always been by perfectionism, fear of failure, and fear of being judged.

It's getting late for me to still be dealing with these things, I'm already old. When will I not be trying to 'figure it out' and just be in the flow? One thing J. always tries to stress is that I need to go easy on myself, and keep in mind that I'm dealing with major life changes in raising two babies. Anyways, the past week has been nice, cozy, enjoyable. I'm glad we had this week before K. goes back to work next week - maybe we won't see a time like this again.

I've actually been semi productive at work, and I feel better about my job, more on top of things. I'm not performing like I want to by any means, and it's not like anyone's noticed that I'm working harder. I'm also not looking for any jobs although I've gotten a lot of calls and emails from recruiters, nothing looks interesting. I also haven't worked out in a few weeks, I really feel out of shape and bloated. H. has just signed up for the Chicago Marathon 2011 - it's time to start thinking about spring races again. I need to start seriously training again once all the snow in the streets has been cleared. I played a lot of guitar on Mon. and Tues. but I haven't felt like it the past two days. So far this year I have music for two fairly basic songs, no vocal melody or lyrics. That actualy doesn't seem like a bad level of productivity given the amount of time I've spent on music.