I'm totally losing it

Dating is just too much for me right now, I should probably just take a break and work on my life/career/interests and just chill with the dating, especially the online dating. I've just been on edge the whole week about everything - my job, relations with my family, money, the women I've been dating. Also I've been talking again to my ex, just to say hi on a totally platonic basis since I still consider her a good friend even though she totally screwed me over, and now she's flirting again a little with me, telling me about how she is unsatisfied with this guy she's seeing now and how good it is to talk to me again - maybe that's what's got me so wound up but I tend to think it's even deeper than just that. My inner game is just messed up. I don't have my sh** together, spending all my free time trying to meet women on the internet or during Boot Camp, going on dates, calling women - these are just distractions from what I know I have to do.

I've dated about 4 women in the past month or so, about one a week - that's not bad for an rAFC. I can get numbers, I know that I am awesome on the phone, I know I can have great dates, I can kiss close, I've even gotten a little action, but *I can't get beyond the first or second date*. I'm guessing that this is because they eventually catch on using 'women's intuition' or something that I'm posing to a certain extent. I may be C+F and look cute, but something is off, I know they can sense that I have a lot of inner turmoil. Hell, I remember going out with this one girl - I thought I was being all smooth throughout the entire night, and she just looked at me and said 'you look so sad, like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders'. I wasn't fooling her. I'm just not in control and I don't have my life together right now. Women can sense that. And I'm living for the temporary validation of being involved with a beautiful woman - I'm not living for *myself*.

The first step was quitting drugs. I was so apathetic because I was just stoned all the time and all I wanted to do was play my guitar. I have a list of like 50 things I've been putting off. It's time I got to them - things like finish decorating my place, finish up a couple of outstanding projects at work, get my finances together. It will be easier to date once I have these things done. Hell I couldn't even take HB asian goth rocker back to my place last week because it was a frikkin mess and I was too ashamed of how much of a slob I am.

So to recap my 2006 so far:

-my LTR of 5 years broke up on new years, she had been frikkin cheating on me. Basically shattered my belief in love and relationships. I was a walking zombie at work - I would sit in my cube and just be miserable and stare at the screen, paralyzed with depression. Then I'd go home and I wouldn't know what to do with myself because I was so used to her being there and now she just wasn't, in fact she had betrayed me.

-so I basically spent the months of Jan-Feb in a deep deep depression.

-in March I started seeing HB french chick - turned out to be a total psycho attention *****. This one I royally screwed up by being an AFC - that's how I came here. But for a couple of weeks I had some awesome dates and I was happy again, that is until I totally screwed it up with some stupid AFC moves that caused her to lose all respect for me. What I learned from this one: don't be an AFC, no chick is worth your dignity, basically started to educate myself and reading a lot of DJ literature. Oh yeah, and if a chick is half naked writhing in bed talking about sex, even on the first date - then go for it. You only get one chance usually.

-a coffee date with someone who totally misrepresented herself, made absolutely no sense when she talked, was much uglier than her pictures. I basically flew out of there and never contacted her again. What I learned: not much, other than women misrepresent themselves online just like guys do.

-date with HB religious chick.
-date with HB asian goth rocker.
These two were ok, I wasn't that into either of them, the dates went fairly well though, or at least I thought they did. Convo went well, I even got kiss closes. It was still somewhat disappointing when they eventually started not returning my calls sometime after the first or second dates. I'm still not sure exactly why. I have theories: with the asian gothic rocker, she had just broken up with someone, she was whining about her ex cheating on her even on our date, she wrote me and said she just wasn't ready to date. I don't entirely believe her but whatever. I also think I might have kino'ed them both a little too hard. I was all over the asian goth rocker in the car, and she kept telling me 'no I don't know you well enough' and pushed me away as I kept kissing her. With the religious chick, I was really stupid and assumed from various things she said in conversation that she was a virgin, and when I basically let it slip that I thought she was a virgin in conversation - she seemed a little offended and said 'no I'm not a virgin'. I also kissed her at the end and she gave me this weird look, but then she told me to call her later. Who knows what happened with her. I met both these women online and I know both of them get a *ton* of messages as they're both pretty attractive, so I'm guessing that they're not too worried about it.

Today I asked out this girl I had been emailing with for the past few days and she basically told me that she'd like to, but is busy with a big project at work and let's just keep talking and maybe later we can go out when she is done. I took this as a flake/blow off, and I just lost it. I sent her this angry email - I was like 'whatever, don't contact me again then. you're probably ugly in person anyways'. Totally immature, no self control at all. I felt a lot of remorse after I sent that email and I deleted my online profile. I won't be dating online for a while. Then I decided maybe I shouldn't be dating at all right now - just work on myself for a while. Thing is, life is just more pleasant and exciting when there are pretty girls to think about.

So that's my plan. I'm not sure how long it'll take to get my sh** together - just from this list of things I've been putting off it looks like it will take me at least a few weeks. I was in the midst of a Boot camp, but looks like everyone's basically quit that anyways. I might continue the BC on my own though, or at least the part where I strike up friendly conversation with strangers. I actually found that part to be enjoyable, it actually brightened my day. And I will continue to read literature and listen to DJ audio books. When I am done with all the sh** I have to do, hopefully I will have a better time at dating. See you on the other side...
__________________

quote

Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.

-Honore de Balzac

another day in the life of my archetype

he is 5'11'' 160, and cut. he wakes up and takes the dog running. it is 30 degrees, it's 5 in the morning in October. he is wearing adidas sweatpants, new balance shoes, the red sweatshirt he got at usc, and a stocking cap. his dog is a chocolate lab, large, happy and healthy. he does all his cardio with the dog. he pops into the gym 3 times a week to do weights or attend a class. he eats healthy, but doesn't take anything more than whey supplements.

his girlfriend is sleeping when he gets in, he gets ready, she gets ready. she stays over at his place a lot. she has her own place in the city. they haven't talked about moving in together although he knows she wants to buy a place with him. they have been dating for almost a year. he has not taken her to meet his family yet.

he drives to work in the car he recently bought - a used bmw sedan. the car has an mp3 interface, you play podcasts and spanish language tapes on the way to work. at work, you work the entire time you are there. you work hard, are recognized as a hard worker and valuable contributor. you stay overtime frequently, but not excessively. you are satisfied with the balance between work and personal time in your life. not that you aren't constantly busy.

you have lunch with the web admins. you have several friends from work that you eat lunch with and are friendly with outside of work. you have met new friends from work, classes, the gym, meetups, family, church, lairs, clubs. you are always trying new ways to meet people. when you were single you were happy with your full social life, and having the ability to date a variety of attractive women. you never felt bored or lonely.

your girlfriend is the most wonderful woman you have ever met. she demonstrates unconditional and total love to you. she is brilliant, has a high paying corporate job, and is also gorgeous - 5'6" athletic and busty, light brown hair, tan skin, beautiful lips and eyes, great dresser. you don't want to be with anyone else and love her, but you are also aware that you don't need her, that you can be alone and be very happy, that many other women like you. you are first and foremost a man who is confident and secure in yourself. your relationships just flow like water. you recognize them as the variety and spice of life, but your primary preoccupation in life is your career, your future, your fortune, your education. these come before anybody else's needs.

your house is fully furnished and decorated the way you always pictured it. you have a parking lot in the building, and hundreds of thousands in the bank. every day you exercise, eat right, work hard at work, come home and do something enriching for your mind, spend time with your many friends or your significant other when you have the time. you like to read, work on your software projects, work on your websites and your music, practice guitar, record yourself, work out, write about philosophy and psychology, and party.

you are un self conscious. even around your family you are happy and content, you feel like you have direction and are going somewhere in life. you have no dependencies. you have made peace with your past. you feel lucky, in touch with god. you research vacations that you are planning to take this year to a foreign country, you use software to keep track of your investments and your cash flow. you make it a game with yourself to see how quickly you can double your money. you are always reading about real estate and finance. you have creative a very impressive cocoa application, and are recognized for being a brilliant programmer. you like where you work, you like the people there, but you also know that you could leave at any moment and find a much better job. t

o work you wear banana republic slacks, driving loafers, a nice button down shirt. you wear a casual jacket, suede or leather. your hair is stylish and dark. your teeth are immaculately white. when you talk to people at work, you speak with the authority of someone who is intelligent and really knows the subject matter. when you speak to people on a friendly basis you are decent, good natured, polite, well informed about politics, sports, business and world events, art and music. you love to speak spanish with new people. you are the king of your castle. work is a fulfilling intellectual challenge that you can handle. your social life and free time are productive, busy, happy, fun, exciting. you are living the life you always wanted, on your terms. and you feel like nothing can stop you, like there are nothing but good things in store for you in the future.

unordered list of things to do

ideas about everything i want to do as of right now regarding the above priorities, enough for the next couple of years - not sorted or prioritized:
teeth whitener
go to dentist
get contacts, new glasses
keep working out, watching your diet
rogaine - i am not bald, but i want to keep the hair i have
keep going to therapy
buy new clothes,more formal clothes
practice guitar/study music at least 20-30 hrs a week
record 5 songs this year
be well read: always be reading a tech book and a non tech (preferably non fiction book). you have the option of reading or using audio books.
always be reading the newspaper, listening to the news or watching the news on tv. be well versed in sports.
magazines: espn, guitar world, esquirec
all a. / finish it
go to work on time, do well at work
always be working on a tech side project, cocoa programming
get a credit card
set up thrash metal rig
get checkup
look into st. john's wort
redo online profiles, take new pictures
look into side business - possible side businesses: ebay business, freelance programming, side business is just to generate cash to quickly have money to invest.
fix home network, start your own website, organize file storage for all your disks, set up ftp server - this can be developed
go to church every week
check mail
clean apartment
throw away anything that is garbage, organize everything totally and finish furnishing your apt.
buy a parking spot
paint the apt.
track lighting
wood floors
redo kitchen counters
start travelling the world - really start budgeting for this and saving. do not waste any of your vacation days unless you will be travelling. - develop this
new cell phone
new digital camera
new ipod
tattoo
look for more meetup groups
classes at the gym
get a real estate license
come up with career plan
list of 50 essential classics, read them
become a film buff - collect classic movies, start with 50 classic movies
start collecting all pfork list mp3s, essential metal, some classical and jazz
get a new car - develop this
change passwords across all sites, get all passwords together in a gpg file
cataloging of all the books i've ever read
cataloging of all my albums and movies
learn languages - spanish
once you have hardwood floors - GET A DOG - this can be developed
redmilitante.com
get finances together - develop, probably your number one priority at the time of this writing
organize mail
read personal finance book
get isight, become a photography buff, constantly be taking pictures
get resume together for side business
hang out at bookstores and coffee shops all the time
go to bars alone even for a half hour
write philosophical works
favorite nonfiction reading material: psychology, tech, economics, politics
learn how to cook
fix the wall

cutting it off with a friend

i have a friend right now i'm probably avoiding from now on. he's hard to avoid because i work with him and he's always asking me to have lunch with him and this other guy. it's starting to piss him off a little because i've been saying no to lunch for the past week, and haven't returned any calls.

i'm still wondering if these are valid reasons for dumping a guy as a friend:

1. he is a 6'2'' 130 lb ultra skinny guy, and yet he is always talking the craziest shit like he is some kind of hardass. just because he has taken martial arts lessons in the past. we went to this one restaurant and he says really loudly with a lot of people listening 'you know sometimes you look around at all the people in the room and you just know you could kick their ass'. i mean, wtf kind of psycho just randomly says this like that?

2. he is even scarier when he is drunk. the last time we had a few drinks he turns to me and says 'i'd really like to get into a fight right now, like i'd pay you 50 bucks if you'd fight me'. again, this guys a little nuts. it's also kind of comical because he looks like a toothpick.

3. when he is dating someone, i always say stuff like 'hope your date goes well' and 'i'm glad you guys got along'. but when i try to talk to him about girls i am dating, he does his best to say something shitty about my current date:

examples:
-he found out i was dating this one girl who was really religious. he kept saying stuff like 'well i bet she is a virgin' and calling her stuff like 'the nun'. by the time i got close with this girl i had become convinced she was a virgin. and i asked her 'how's it like being a virgin?' during one of our conversations, and she gave me a weird look like - i'm not a virgin, why the fuck do you assume that i am.

-we were at a bar and this one girl kept calling me and asking me to hang out. he kept saying shit like 'you're not going over to that ugly bitches place right'. just being all negative.

-i told him i was dating this french girl and his first remark was 'aah. i always wanted to learn french'. why did he say that? fucking jackass, i'm learning the french not you.

anyways, this is another friend who is gone.

11 conversations with strangers

1. Girl who works with me, whom I never see or speak to, standing next to a bunch of empty boxes. Brief 2 min. convo about why she needs the boxes, turns out she's moving, and needs the boxes for packing stuff. She's also married, I found out.

2. Homeless lady on the street asking for change. I talked to her briefly about how she is doing, and how she's looking for a job.


3. Short 1-2 convo with a guy in line at the cafeteria in the building where I work. I saw he was putting cream in his tea and I made some comments about how most people don't do that. Basic chit chat.

4. Guard at the front door to the building where I work. I asked her questions about when the building will be open over the weekend and what I need to do to get in the building.

5. I stopped a lady walking on the street and asked her how do i get to such and such building on such and such street. Stretched the convo out by playing *really* dumb about street names.

6. Big breasted lady in the elevator of my apartment building. I made small talk with her about the lousy weather we've been having in Chicago. This one was close to being a HB/MILF.

7. Brief convo with a guy in the elevator of my building about what to wear outside and - yet again - the crappy weather we've been having recently.

8. Brief convo with a barista at my neighborhood coffee shop about the relative merits of the light and dark roasts. He even stopped by later on and gave me some free baked goods that they were going to throw out at the end of the night, still good.

9. Brief convo - again in the elevator of the building where I live. This time with an older lady - 40ish, cute for an older lady I guess, probably married with kids though - about restaurants. She was carrying this doggy bag from a restaurant downtown I had been meaning to try, and I asked her if she enjoyed her meal there. I'm really good in the elevator situation. There are some hot girls in my building, one of these days I'm gonna game em.
10. Lady in the elevator of my building - another discussion about the weather. She mentioned that she was sailing on the lake the other day. She seemed shocked initially that I started talking to her.

11. Guy in the laundry room of my building. I asked him questions about the new 'card system' that they recently replaced the coin changer with.

Some comments: I can't believe this seemed so intimidating at the start of the week. I would have finished easily I think, today, and I didn't even go out this weekend or deviate in any way from my regular routine (i.e., making trips to the mall or something just to talk to people). I'd still really like to develop a healthy social group whom I could party with in the bars and clubs on a regular basis, though.

I'm still a little skeptical re: whether or not the BC will actually produce HB's in my life. I do feel more confident, though. I'm beginning to realize that it's a lot easier to meet people than I originally thought - however, meeting people and being able to sustain a friendship/relationship with them without them pissing you off or vice versa is an entirely different story.

My approaches have been lame so far. I've only approached a couple of women that were even close to HB status.

On a personal note: I am quitting smoking weed today. At least for a long time - several years. I've been a daily smoker for a long time and it's time I clear my head a little and focus on getting my life together. I hope I don't have any withdrawls.

old online profile - i have to rewrite this, it seems to piss women off

Interests
Money Power Respect
About Me
I am a bad boy and an adventurer. I live for danger. I enjoy pushing myself in the pursuit of excellence in all my endeavors. I am prone to exploratory excitability, impulsiveness, and disorderliness. I am a novelty seeker, my motto is live fast die pretty. I enjoy forming deep connections with interesting people who will teach me new things about myself.

I believe that I'm destined for great things. I am goal oriented and ambitious. I own my own home, am a member of Mensa, have a master's degree, a good job, play several instruments, am an avid reader, and I also know many obscure and interesting facts about pop culture.

I am a rebel without a cause, a cool dude in a motorcycle jacket, a real life Huckleberry Finn, a wounded, moody, dreamer. A seducer, a daredevil. A man of mystery and a fascinating paradox. I'm both a lost little boy and a man with a dark side. I can break your heart with my wicked ways, and also make you long to rescue me from my pain. I may be hurtfully cruel, sometimes careless or self absorbed, you still can't resist the urge to give me your heart - at which point i will be gone with the wind.

If you have major baggage, are sexually repressed or have issues with men please don't contact me. Unless you happen to be Jennifer, in which case you owe me 500 dollars.

First Date
Video games or bowling. Maybe a root beer float at A&W.

Parking in the forest preserve and listening to Led Zeppelin in the backseat while we make out and drink beers. Sneaking you home way past your cufew.

A lot of kissing and some dramatic talk about how nobody understands us, and how someday we'll leave this town and never look back again.