on top of the world, looking over the edge

Calgary - Bon Iver
New Theory (RAC Mix) - Washed Out
Cannons - YOUTH LAGOON
Cloudbusting - Wild Nothing
Cynthia - MillionYoung
Half Heart Full (Old Circular) - James Blake
Pulling Our Weight - The Radio Dept.
Dreaming - Seapony
Song in Three - Here We Go Magic
Kisses (Lake Heartbeat Mix) - Kisses
Outside (reprise) - Sun Glitters
Images From The Lighthouse - Porcelain Raft
Glass Jar - Gang Gang Dance
Albatross - Wild Beasts

Let's keep this party going

Climbing Walls - Strange Talk
Houdini (RAC Remix) - Foster The People
Young Blood - The Naked & Famous
Take Me Home - Germany Germany
Impressionable - Star Slinger
Rill Rill (Clique NewTrends Remix) - Sleigh Bells
Civilization - Justice
I Go Away (The Oos & Ahhs Dubstep Remix) - MNDR
ID (Levels) (Original Mix) - Avicii
Barbra Streisand (Fare Soldi Remix) - Duck Sauce
On A Train The Magician Remix - Yuksek

I knew this was always going to happen

I had a tough week last week - I was on call so I was getting paged late into the night for a couple nights. By Friday I was ready for a restful weekend with no thoughts of work. I did not do any overtime work over the weekend, as I had been for the past 4-5 weeks. I needed the break. We had a really good weekend, and I feel really good at work today, even though it's busy as usual.

I've been running again. I ran 19 miles last week plus one cross training day. I'm on week 2 of Hal Higdon's marathon training program. Luckily it's warm outside these days and it's pleasurable to go running outside. My new neighborhood is not as scenic as our old neighborhood, but I haven't explored every possible running route and it's cool to explore the neighborhood a bit. On Saturday my brothers and mom came over to watch the babies while K. and I took the opportunity to do our unpacking of the house once and for all. We didn't finish, but we made a lot of headway. Maybe by the end of the week we will be done with completely unpacking the house and setting everything up the way we want it. Maybe my mom will have to come over again and watch the babies for an afternoon while we do this.

I did two long runs over the weekend. Relatively long runs - I mean they're pretty short compared to what I was used to at the end of the marathon season last year when I was doing 20 miles runs. But I'm nowhere near the same shape these days - I lost a lot of endurance, strength and flexibility. I also weigh about 10-20 lbs heavier than I should. I basically did not train all winter due to the demands of having a new baby/new job/moving, and also because the Chicago winter is just brutal. I'd like to lose the 10-20lbs by L. and N's wedding. Maybe if I am dilligent with my training I'll be able to. One thing I'm also going to do this time is the military pushup and situps workout I found online, and also make sure I do my stretching every day. Also no cheating with my cross training and make sure to chart my heart rate and progress on the Garmin.

On Sunday I took N. with me to do my 7 mile long run on the lake. She loved it. I stopped a couple of times to let her walk by the water and pick dandelions. Watching my daughter play just makes me so happy, I can't describe it. After running we packed everyone up and went to to visit my grandmother, and meet up with M. and L. and give their son E. his birthday present. Nay loved J. I could tell he made her happy. I'm glad for that at least, seeing her always makes me sad - she's so old and frail these days. I don't know how long she'll be around. After visiting with the family we went to Ikea and bought some miscelleneous shelves and organizational things for the house. We also got Swedish meatballs.

On the way home we discussed ordering iPads, by the time we got home we logged onto the Apple store and ordered ourselves 2 new iPads:) I can't wait til they arrive. I know my life is going to change. As we hit the 'submit' button, the President came on the tv and told the country that Osama Bin Laden was dead. Today I got up early to read about Bin Laden and run 3 miles before work.

don't judge a man by his mix tape

What you need - The Weeknd
Feel It All Around - Washed Out
Abducted - Cults
Marriage - Gold Panda
The Look (Fred Falke Remix) - Metronomy
Please Stay - Summer Heart
Let Me Go - Phantogram
Blue Eyes - Destroyer
Lofticries - Purity Ring
Bizness - tUnE-yArDs
Little Raygun - Cloud Nothings

You know it's yours and noone else

So this is my life. I usually wake up around 5 o'clock. About half the time N. cries at night and crawls in bed with us - sleeping with that baby is very difficult, because she tosses and turns a lot, and she likes to pull on my ears while she sleeps for some reason. Lately I have been making it a point to get at least 6-7 hours of sleep at night, I just can't function on less than 5 hours of sleep, it's not healthy, it ages you, and I am too groggy and irritable to be effective at my job. Around 5-5:15am the alarm on my phone starts to go off, and I hit snooze a couple of times. I then go upstairs to my bathroom to take a shower and get ready for work - I usually play news on the radio as I get ready in the morning.

We have been living at this house for almost month and we have not finished unpacking. I still feel like we're living out of boxes. Some of the rooms are partially set up - but I feel like we need to leave the kids at my mom's house or something for a weekend while K. and I finish unpacking once and for all because I can't live like this and also, just doing unpacking for a half hour a night is not cutting it. So it's around 5:30 - K. usually gets up at this time, and after my shower I usually change J. and give him his bottle while I put my clothes on and shave. Sometimes I have enough time in the morning to take the garbage out, or get N. ready if she wakes up, or take stuff out to the car so K. doesn't have to carry multiple bags plus two kids to the car. At 6:20 I'm usually out the door, K. will have to finish getting the kids ready and take them to daycare on the way to her work. Her schedule in the morning is just as tough as mine, if not more.

I kiss my wife and walk to the train station, which is only a block away from our new house. I take a train and a bus to my corporate job in the suburbs - my commute is very long, an hour and a half. It takes just as long coming home - we can drink on the train and sometimes after a long day I grab a beer from the liquor store and drink on the way home. I've been working this job for about a month and a half. When I first started I liked the commute - I could study for my certifications while in transit, also taking the train with the other corporate drones made me feel good for some reason. I still feel that way sometimes. I'm doing really good at this job, I've been given a team lead type position, and I have several people to manage now. Noone in the group I've started has risen so quickly. I am definitely working hard though. I work on average 60+ hours a week - and when I'm at work I'm unable to take any time for myself, I usually skip lunch and don't really have time to answer personal emails or calls. It's just constant work, a constantly growing set of responsibilities. I feel like I can't say no to things that are asked of me, because certain higher up people here have put a lot of faith in me and it's just in my nature to not want to let them down. So I try as hard as I can to do a good job.

There is also a dark side. Why is it that every job eventually devolves into internal political struggles, jockeying for interesting projects, leadership positions, status within the team? I feel like that is the main motivating factor at work, even more than money, at least on a day to day basis. I'm as guilty of succumbing to this as the next guy. It's interesting that I still fall into this trap here at a consulting position. I get so tense with all the work. I don't want to be the tense type A guy at work - so I feel like I have to struggle against this phenomenon all the time. So I have to put this front on that I'm nice easy going relaxed guy. Is this normal? At work whenever I have a spare moment I look at pictures of my wife and kids on my cell phone. I remind myself that I put up with all the stress of work because of love for my family.

I could go on and on about work, maybe I will later. After work I come home taking the reverse route. I usually get home 6-6:30. There's really only enough time at night to help fix dinner, do some chores around the house, play with N. and J., give them their baths, clean up after dinner - then read N. some books before tucking her in for the night. It's usually 9 o'clock or later by the time this stuff is done. At this time I'm really tired, and I lay down with K. and we usually talk to each other, or watch something like the Daily Show on Hulu before falling asleep around 10-11. There's no time to work out anymore, or play guitar. I have to start training for the marathon next month, I'm not ready. Also my clothes don't fit well because of my crappy diet and lack of exercise. I haven't played guitar in like 3 months or more. And I promised N. that I would play some complex classical pieces at her wedding. I don't know how I'm going to do it - the wedding is in 3 months.

too fast to understand

Honey Mine (Memoryhouse Remix) - Korallreven
Talamak (Robot Science Remix) - Toro Y Moi
True Romance (Seven Saturdays Remix) - Teen Daze
Ungirthed - Purity ring
What a Pleasure - Beach Fossils
Lemonade - Braids
New Chain (Phone Tag Remix) - Small Black
2 Sunbeam Show - Candy Claws
hold me - Teams Vs. Star Slinger
Ash/Black Veil - Apparat
You Know What I Mean - Cults

Original

I used to love a woman, she was just a girl but I was old enough to know better.  We were together for seven years, longer than I've been with my wife.  What we had together was something pure, it was puppy love but that can be very intense sometimes.  Her love brought me through a lot of tough times in my life.  It still seems strange that were no longer in each others lives, like it never happened or happened to other people.  I don't miss her.  It just makes me sad to think about how fragile love can be.